Bdd

My BDD started the day I woke up from surgery. I had cosmetic surgery on my thighs... I just thought I could look a better and I probly had BDD. but it didn't really effect my life. But when I woke up from Surgery and saw the scars and the way my thighs looked... well I wanted to die... thats the only way I could describe it. I truly wanted to die. I remember going home and getting on the phone and calling the suicide hotline...... Fast forward a year and a half... I have spent my life savings going to therapists and depression clinics...filled for bankruptcy... lost my job... could not concentrate anymore.... my husband wants a divorce.... my sister will not talk to me anymore... I have not felt joy or happiness or curiosity or excitement since I woke up from that surgery. I get these anxiety attacks wondering if I will feel this way all my life. When ever I look in the mirror at my thighs I feel horror... my soul feels nauseous. I am going to speak with a woman tomorrow who survived facial cancer that left her disfigured... and yet she leads a wonderful life and thinks she can help me. She inspires me ... I hope can learn from her because each day gets harder and harder and I seem to be going down hill fast these past few weeks. I don't want to leave the house or go anywhere... the depression is really setting in. I hope this woman can help me. I know I need to do the work to turn this around. But when I look at the scars... long purple red scars on my thighs... I feel the horror and don't think I can bear it any longer. I want to feel better so badly... want my life back so badly. It is so hard to live this way.
winteryspruce winteryspruce
51-55
Dec 6, 2012