I don't remember ever being thin. When I was younger, everybody thought it was just baby fat, and it was "cute." Now that I'm a little older, it's NOT cute. As I lost the baby fat, I grew in "adult fat." And it makes me ugly. My friends think I'm just self-conscious, but it's grown into so much more. Every time I have a social meal, I glance to the slowest-eating person and make sure that I don't have as much food as them, that I take a bite at the exact moment that they do. And whenever I'm eating alone, I try to throw up after my "meal". Most of the time I can't purge, and then I feel guilty afterwards.
Every so often, my friends start a "casual" conversation about how it's fine to be "any weight," as long as you aren't unhealthily obese or anorexically thin. I know they just say it for my benefit. I wish I could tell them, except that every time I try to, my throat closes up and my eyes water. It's still very personal and sensitive for me.
My only male friend tells me that he thinks I'm "cute." Sometimes it's "beautiful," usually just "cute." He lies, though. I know that my fat is disgusting. If I was thin, maybe I could be beautiful. I just...can't. I've tried restricting, I've tried purging, but neither have worked. And I know that that's unhealthy. I just CAN'T STOP thinking about it. Every time my friends give each other piggy-back rides, or want to go shopping at the mall, or want to go out for ice cream, or any other activity that normal teens do, it's sooooooo hard, and usually I end up blowing them off and hiding out in my room.
It's not much of a story, really. I just need to be heard by SOMEBODY. I can't tell anybody this in words, and I would die if my friends or family found out that I was this bad.
In the past year, I've lost ten pounds. I can only hope that my streak will keep going. Right now I'm 16 years old, 5'4'', and 130 lbs. I want to be 100 lbs, but my realistic goal is 115.
Pathetic, I know.