I don't remember ever being thin. When I was younger, everybody thought it was just baby fat, and it was "cute." Now that I'm a little older, it's NOT cute. As I lost the baby fat, I grew in "adult fat." And it makes me ugly. My friends think I'm just self-conscious, but it's grown into so much more. Every time I have a social meal, I glance to the slowest-eating person and make sure that I don't have as much food as them, that I take a bite at the exact moment that they do. And whenever I'm eating alone, I try to throw up after my "meal". Most of the time I can't purge, and then I feel guilty afterwards.

Every so often, my friends start a "casual" conversation about how it's fine to be "any weight," as long as you aren't unhealthily obese or anorexically thin. I know they just say it for my benefit. I wish I could tell them, except that every time I try to, my throat closes up and my eyes water. It's still very personal and sensitive for me.

My only male friend tells me that he thinks I'm "cute." Sometimes it's "beautiful," usually just "cute." He lies, though. I know that my fat is disgusting. If I was thin, maybe I could be beautiful. I just...can't. I've tried restricting, I've tried purging, but neither have worked. And I know that that's unhealthy. I just CAN'T STOP thinking about it. Every time my friends give each other piggy-back rides, or want to go shopping at the mall, or want to go out for ice cream, or any other activity that normal teens do, it's sooooooo hard, and usually I end up blowing them off and hiding out in my room.

It's not much of a story, really. I just need to be heard by SOMEBODY. I can't tell anybody this in words, and I would die if my friends or family found out that I was this bad.

In the past year, I've lost ten pounds. I can only hope that my streak will keep going. Right now I'm 16 years old, 5'4'', and 130 lbs. I want to be 100 lbs, but my realistic goal is 115.

Pathetic, I know.

aerli aerli
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 24, 2008

You are not fat. Not even close. Not even remotely.

i know how you feel. but let me tell you, no matter how much weight you lose, you won't feel better about it. this is because you are misinterpreting other feelings about yourself into how you feel about your body. you are at a normal, healthy weight. if you get compliments, try to accept them as real. i bet you are cute like your friend says. i hope you can find ways of loving yourself like you deserve to be loved!

WHAT????? You think you're fat? Oh My Goodnesh Child. Who told you this? Yoo are perfect weight at 130 pounds and 5'4. I am 5'9 and weigh 189, want to trade places? Did I mention I am deaf with vision loss, Neuropathy, Asthma, Dandy Walker Varient- Shall I go on?<br />
Honey, God made us the special person we are, but He did not make us with a hateful, disrespectful attitude. Purging is not an answer. If you want to lose a few pounds eat fruit and veggies and drink more water and less soda and tea. I am blessed if and when I get to poop every 2 weeks because of this Irritable Bowel Syndrom. That is why I gained weight back. <br />
None of us are better than the person who stands next to us. A model is only another person walking along a catwalk trying to make a living. Do you think those models are happy with themselves? Think again. They are told when to eat, what to wear, where to go, what time to be up, when to go to bed, how much they can eat, you name it. Have you not heard about Naomi Cambell? Her attitude has gotten her into jail. She is one of the world's so called famous models who starves herself and starving yourself will drive you crazy. These models have got into so much trouble. It is not healthy trying to be like them., and I agree with your friends. You are healy as long as you are not anorexic, obese or purging. By the way, did you know purging will tear the lining in your throat and make you bleed? Your parents will find out when you start bleeding so you need to stop now.