Body Image and Eating Disorder

Growing up, I would look in the mirror and find every flaw about myself.  I thought that if my outer image was perfect that they wouldn't see the turmoil going on the inside.  In high school I would throw up after every meal, take a bottle of diet pills a day and then a handful of sleeping pills at night so i could sleep.  I'm surprised that I'm still alive.  I got down to 100 lbs before graduating.  I loved that people thought I was too skinny.  But still they didn't see the cellulite in my butt when i got undressed.  I got pregnant shortly after high school and my weight went up to 185 lbs and my eating disorder got pushed back in my mind.  I didn't care I was a happy mom.  5 years later, I got pregnant again and my weight rose to 222 lbs.  I really didn't care how big I was at the time.  I had to beautiful girls.  My weight went down to about 165 for a year or so.  My youngest is 2 1/2 and I decided it was time to lose some weight.  Especially before my 10 yr HS reunion.  It will be this August.  I cut out fast food and Starbucks coffee.  I lost 15 lbs really fast.  People started complementing on how well i was looking.  But the more weight i lost the worst  I felt about my body.  I lost 23 lbs and then started to plateau.  The control i had is gone.  I ordered some diet pills and was really  good about following the dosage...until I started feeling hungry throughout the day and then started doubling up on them.  The past was coming back to haunt me.  I don't want to be that same girl that i was in high school.  I have 2 beautiful daughters and the perfect husband that loves me for who I am.  But I am the one that hates myself and what i look like.  Counseling is probably the only thing that will help, but I don't want to go there yet.

drained drained
Mar 16, 2009