I'm Still a Dork...
I remember when I was 6 I wanted to run away and realized, I didn't have anyplace to go, so I stayed. I've always wanted to escape my life and just didn't know how.
I was that kid, that dorky kid that everyone hated because I was funny looking. When I was in elementary school I was actually too thin. Mostly because I was allergic to all kinds of foods and things, so I barely ate anything. Everyone hated me. I didn't have any friends at all. I was very lonely. Everyone made fun of me. No matter how much a tried to be good friend, I was always rejected.
When I was 14 I saw a picture of myself sitting on the back of a pick-up truck. I thought, I have a cute face, but look at those thighs, eek, they're huge.
When I was 15 I had made a friend who owned a horse. She said the only way I could ride her horse was to loose 20lbs. I wasn't obese, I was just flabby. I had gone through allergy shots and I was able to eat more items, I had gotten a little pear shaped. Since I really didn't eat very often anyhow I wondered how I would go about loosing weight. I tried exercise. I became more muscular and stronger, yet I was still "fat". I really wanted to ride her horse. I wanted to learn all about equestrian activities and I didn't want my weight to hold me back.
So that's when I began my 6 year starving diet. I only ate once every other day and that was a salad with no dressing. I exercised at least 2-4 hours everyday. After 3 months I began to "look" thinner, so I was finally eligible to ride her horse. It was great. I learned everything I could about horses, their tack, food, etc... Though when I weighed myself I was still the same weight. I hadn't lost that 20lbs. Over time I began to get really strong. I could lift those 50lb bags of feed with no problem, in fact I could carry 2 at one time. People responded favorably toward me and I really felt happier when I was with other people. Yet, on that scale, I actually weighed more (good thing my friend never made me get on a scale in front of her). I just pretended I was loosing all this weight. She would ask me, how many pounds have you lost, I would lie, lie, lie.
This is a tough diet. I was always tired, in pain, hungry and depressed. I pretended that everything was great when I was with other people. It felt nice to have people WANT to be my friend. So I kept my struggle to myself. No one was interested anyhow.
After 6 years I was so "attractive" I even did some modeling. It felt good to be liked. Then that fateful day came. The day I made a very bad decision. You see I had met a friend for lunch, no I never ate, I was just going to have a diet soda and sit with her. I was really hungry that day, so I stood by the trash can waiting for her to get her food. I thought I'll look at all that disgusting half eaten food, it'll gross me out and I won't be hungry anymore. Well that's not what happened. Someone had left a 1/2 eaten slice of pizza. I hadn't had pizza in a long time. It looked delicious. I don't know what came over me, but my hand reached over and I almost grabbed it and took a bite. Ewwwww! What was I doing? Yuk!
The bad decision? I decided to stop my starving diet. It spooked me. I thought maybe I shouldn't be doing this anymore. I've never lost control over myself like that before or since. As I gained weight, my friends disappeared and no one wanted to spent time with the "fat" girl anymore. About a year after I had stopped I tried to do it again. I was so lonely. I liked it when people treated me with respect. It felt so good. Unfortunately, trying to go an entire day without eating was much too difficult the second time around. I got severe migraines and I would always give in and eat something. Then I would feel guilty and cry. I felt so weak. What happened to my will power and self-control. It was gone. That's when I stopped exercising the 2-4 hours a day. I realized the exercising wasn't going to do any good if I can't do the diet too.
Now as I look back I realize I just didn't have the emotional strength to deal with that fateful day at the trash can. If I could do it all over again I would've never stopped my starving diet. My life was so much easier then. I would've never gone a year looking for work. Nope I could get a job within 5 interviews. Thin will always be in. So now I'm stuck with my "natural" body, the one that's pear shaped though a lot heavier than when I was 14. It's okay I guess. I preferred my size 7; but, I'll never be able to go there again. I'll just have to accept the body I have and it's hard.