I'm Still a Dork...

 I remember when I was 6 I wanted to run away and realized, I didn't have anyplace to go, so I stayed. I've always wanted to escape my life and just didn't know how. 

I was that kid, that dorky kid that everyone hated because I was funny looking. When I was in elementary school I was actually too thin. Mostly because I was allergic to all kinds of foods and things, so I barely ate anything. Everyone hated me. I didn't have any friends at all. I was very lonely. Everyone made fun of me. No matter how much a tried to be good friend, I was always rejected. 

When I was 14 I saw a picture of myself sitting on the back of a pick-up truck. I thought, I have a cute face, but look at those thighs, eek, they're huge.

When I was 15 I had made a friend who owned a horse. She said the only way I could ride her horse was to loose 20lbs. I wasn't obese, I was just flabby. I had gone through allergy shots and I was able to eat more items, I had gotten a little pear shaped. Since I really didn't eat very often anyhow I wondered how I would go about loosing weight. I tried exercise. I became more muscular and stronger, yet I was still "fat". I really wanted to ride her horse. I wanted to learn all about equestrian activities and I didn't want my weight to hold me back. 

So that's when I began my 6 year starving diet. I only ate once every other day and that was a salad with no dressing. I exercised at least 2-4 hours everyday. After 3 months I began to "look" thinner, so I was finally eligible to ride her horse. It was great. I learned everything I could about horses, their tack, food, etc... Though when I weighed myself I was still the same weight. I hadn't lost that 20lbs. Over time I began to get really strong. I could lift those 50lb bags of feed with no problem, in fact I could carry 2 at one time. People responded favorably toward me and I really felt happier when I was with other people. Yet, on that scale, I actually weighed more (good thing my friend never made me get on a scale in front of her). I just pretended I was loosing all this weight. She would ask me, how many pounds have you lost, I would lie, lie, lie. 

This is a tough diet. I was always tired, in pain, hungry and depressed. I pretended that everything was great when I was with other people. It felt nice to have people WANT to be my friend. So I kept my struggle to myself. No one was interested anyhow.

After 6 years I was so "attractive" I even did some modeling. It felt good to be liked. Then that fateful day came. The day I made a very bad decision. You see I had met a friend for lunch, no I never ate, I was just going to have a diet soda and sit with her. I was really hungry that day, so I stood by the trash can waiting for her to get her food. I thought I'll look at all that disgusting half eaten food, it'll gross me out and I won't be hungry anymore. Well that's not what happened. Someone had left a 1/2 eaten slice of pizza. I hadn't had pizza in a long time. It looked delicious. I don't know what came over me, but my hand reached over and I almost grabbed it and took a bite. Ewwwww! What was I doing? Yuk!

The bad decision? I decided to stop my starving diet. It spooked me. I thought maybe I shouldn't be doing this anymore. I've never lost control over myself like that before or since. As I gained weight, my friends disappeared and no one wanted to spent time with the "fat" girl anymore. About a year after I had stopped I tried to do it again. I was so lonely. I liked it when people treated me with respect. It felt so good. Unfortunately, trying to go an entire day without eating was much too difficult the second time around. I got severe migraines and I would always give in and eat something. Then I would feel guilty and cry. I felt so weak. What happened to my will power and self-control. It was gone. That's when I stopped exercising the 2-4 hours a day. I realized the exercising wasn't going to do any good if I can't do the diet too.

Now as I look back I realize I just didn't have the emotional strength to deal with that fateful day at the trash can. If I could do it all over again I would've never stopped my starving diet. My life was so much easier then. I would've never gone a year looking for work. Nope I could get a job within 5 interviews. Thin will always be in. So now I'm stuck with my "natural" body, the one that's pear shaped though a lot heavier than when I was 14. It's okay I guess. I preferred my size 7; but, I'll never be able to go there again. I'll just have to accept the body I have and it's hard.

4vrUnique 4vrUnique
9 Responses Jul 22, 2009

Awww, that's so sweet destiney24 and true. A gorgeous face and body won't make up for an ugly soul.

True, I do have all my limbs, senses, coordination and cognitive intelligence, so its not all bad. Thank you for your comment rachynymph.

I can totally relate to this, except for the whole modeling bit. Even when I was somewhat thin I never had the self-esteem or courage to try that. Kudos to you...<br />
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It seems body image is something we'll always have a battle with, what matters is how we manage it and what we do in reaction to it. I'm glad you're not starving yourself anymore. As you know, it's so rough on your body, and it never really makes the underlying issues disappear as much as you'd like it to.<br />
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I'm proud of you for realizing you have to accept the body you've been given. I'm still struggling with that. I try to remind myself of how lucky I am to -have- a functional body when there are so many others who would give almost anything to have one- regardless of its "flaws."

I wish I could do something better than those around me. It just doesn't seem possible. They are all over-achievers. I'm not. I'm just trying to do my best to live up to my potential. Which is always very hard. <br />
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The things I do well don't seem to really matter anyhow. Thanks for your encouraging comment ;~)

People in real life dont acept me as a friend,cause im also classed as a "dork" for no apparent reason.<br />
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Just do something they cant,I can run very very fast.<br />
Which sorta makes them angry because they cant catch me Lol<br />
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;-)<br />
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Kind Regards<br />
King Fluffs

That's right zillaron, the physical me changed but my old self image was still there.

I was teased for being a fat little kid and also for being the "smart kid". I couldn't fix the weight problem but certainly "dumbed myself down" to fit in better. When I was a bit older I discovered speed and the weight melted away. The physical me changed but the old self image is still there.

Wow, that's amazingly similar. Thanks for your comment!

I am the exact same way, except the pizza thing though. I was always the one kids picked on because I was short and skinny. Then I was diagnosed with epilepsy and put on meds that made me gain heaps of weight. I became "that fat freak". Heck even my dad made fun of me, so I reduced what I ate and all was semi-good for me. Then I had kids and now I am fatter than ever. I am trying to accept this is how I am going to be, but it does get depressing sometimes.<br />
If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.