This Is Ridiculous.

I can't stand it. No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, I'm constantly thinking about my body. I have this habit of laying my arm across my stomach, whether I'm sitting down or standing up, to hide it. Sometimes I start pinching my stomach, checking to see how much is there. I feel disgusting. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

About a year ago, I was on diet pills. They started screwing with me, making my chest hurt like crazy because of all the caffiene they contained, giving me zits...But I gotta say, they did work. As gross as I feel I am now, I know I was MUCH worse before. Sometimes I feel like I want to take them again. The urge is overwhelming; it's the ultamite lose-weight plan. You don't have to starve yourself, you have more energy...but whenever I feel like this, I research it and get a visual reminder that one of the symptoms of these magical pills is death. This snaps me out of wanting to buy them again, which I'm completely thankful for. But at the same time...No, I can't think that way.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you rather be fat or dead?" Is it sick that I hesitate in answering that? I feel like it might be.

I am not fat. I HAVE fat. There is a difference, and I realize that. But I FEEL fat. And it haunts me everywhere I go. It's always on my mind.

I exercise everyday. If I ever miss a day, I feel revolted by myself. I limit myself to 1,300 calories, which, I mean, doesn't seem like so little when you see other people on here saying they limit themselves to 500, but combined with my exercise it's not enough. I realize it's not enough. But I want to lose weight. If I eat anywhere over 1,500 calories, no matter how little over it might be, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not going to lose any weight, like I'm going to GAIN weight. It might be ridiculous, but it's how I feel.

It doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm not fat. I still think I am. My mom tells me I don't need to lose weight, that I'm so skinny...Okay, she's a mom, and it's irritating. I'm NOT by ANY means "skinny". She just belittles me and my struggle when she says that. I tell her that what she's saying only makes me feel worse, but she has this idea that it'll make me feel better anyways and continues to tell me things like that.

Sometimes, I don't want to hang out with my friends because I don't want to eat crap and gain weight. Sometimes, I don't want to hang out WITH MY BOYFRIEND because I don't want to miss my exercise and eat crap and gain weight. Once that started happening, I realized how ridiculous I was being. I don't not hang out with him because of it, but I still think about it and regret that I'm not sticking to my eating plan while I'm with him. That is so stupid, I know. But I can't help it. Whenever I go to his house for dinner, no matter how harmless the dinner would be, I feel like a failure for eating it because I don't know exactly how many calories, how much fat, how much anything else that I've eaten. It drives me nuts, not being able to keep track. I need to constantly keep track of how many calories I've eaten. I need to plan out my meals. I need to do all these things or I don't feel safe or secure with what I've eaten.

I know it's sick. But just because I know it is, doesn't mean I'm changing it. I've TRIED, and it's only gotten worse. I've become MORE obsessive.

I just hope that this is just a phase. I wish I could feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I could spend one waking moment without thinking about how my body looks. I wish and wish and wish, but it never comes true.

vanillalattedream vanillalattedream
13-15, F
Feb 23, 2010