We've all got a hang-up or two, minimum. For someone like me, there are a few (or more) scenarios/reasons why I have a hard time opening up. I mean, really divulging what's inside and what has to get out before it eats me alive. Experience Project has been good at providing an outlet for me to rail in word form. Here goes another.
The main thing is embarrassment. I've always had this complex like who I am or was just does meet other peoples criteria for a man. I don't work hard enough, I don't try hard enough, I don't envision my future. I don't provide beyond bare minimum. I don't dress like a real man should. I don't have any assets. I laugh at the wrong time. Clearly, I'm less than a man. Every choice I make, even when it is opposite of the ones listed above is wrong in someones eyes. Caveat: I never really have cared too much, but I hear and feel it all. I'm still a person and it does hurt. A lot.
When every choice and path you roll with is wrong, why would I open my heart to you? You just laugh at me, Call me a 'loser'. Never so blunt, for fear I might dot your eye, but in so many words, you call me a 'loser'.
I can not tell you my dreams, you'll dismiss it. You always do. I've heard people tell me tales of having good people around them. I want that again. Had it once, or did I? To be able to tell Someone how if feels when you see a great big old family at Thanksgiving and you are jealous. Jealous, because you have no one to spend it with anymore. You can't talk like that to people in real life. If you do, you look and sound like an ***. Like somehow you were cheated. I don't feel cheated, I just want to tell someone. Maybe, just maybe, they can make me feel better. Is that now why we open up to someone?
The embarrassment aside. Abandonment is the other issue that keeps me bottled up. I have to paint a very ****** picture of myself (true or not) to create a low expectation. You can never really be disappointed by a used 1980 Datsun pick-up truck. It is what it is. You don't get into an old Datsun and expect luxury. I want to open my heart and I like to think it is worth more than a rusty truck no one can remember. If I open up the real me, you would be let down. I'm nothing special. Just a dude. Easily replaced and always tossed aside. Like the truck.
Intrinsically safe. Inherently in need of someone to talk to, someone to open up to. EP helps, but it is not her. It's not my friend. It won't hug me (though the gestures are nice). I don't have an outlet (my mediocre stories not withstanding) to say anything. It's a safe guard of sorts, but when you think on it more...
How is it helping? You still end up wanting to tell someone why you are so self- conscious and how it has affected the genesis of the real you. How you wish, just once, you could take your shirt off without feeling like a circus freak. She says it's a non issue and the ex-wife always said it was more in my head than anything else. Eric is scarred. Literally. And opening up... uhh...apparently.
You might as well open up right? Damn the nay-sayers! I can't. You can't! They will laugh, they will mock, or worse yet; be dismissive. I wish not a soul on this earth was dismissive. It's the most hurtful thing, to dismiss someones feeling or thoughts.
I so desperately want to tell you why my mom still makes me cry. How I really got most of the scars on my back and my chest. See? You don't want to know things like that. It's ugly. That does look like a cigarette burn on my arm...but it's just my uhh...It's ugly and it can't interfere with your perfect little life.