Apart From My Dog..pain Is My Main Companion..

Well its 3;30am,..and after rolling around pretty much ALL night,..i had to get up...Problem is,.this happens on a regular basis,..Mostly i try to avoid painkillers beyond the daily dose.  When i need more,.it means i also have to eat,.even if not hungry...Hmmm...this really is a pain!!..           Often i contemplate where all this is  leading.So far its lead to a general slowdown and changes in every aspect of my life...Plus side issues,.including insomnia,depression,anxiety,.loss of relationships and work..      Things have literally ground to a halt..Even the cost of a decent x-ray is beyond reach,and paying bills requires frugal living..and strict regimes..                    Every time i try to be normal,.and get some exercise,.i run the risk of worsening things,.with the constant fear of reaching the point of no return..       There are so many things i could be doing in life,.but with such a disability,..even small jobs seem near impossible...  Still,.i get to watch a lot of television..Only thing is,.due to the totally random schedule,i get a lot of favourite shows,.and am constantly missing a certain proportion of them...If i could regain my health,.i would gladly miss them all.           Its not really comforting to know,.that there are many people even worse off..Its frightening..  At least i can dream of stem-cells...even if i can't sleep!! At least i can type to some website and take more pills..At least i have a roof over my head and can walk and drive,.if its not too far....     Sometimes i think its all relative,.when i see physically healthy people,.struggling with their own issues...Like the couple crying on TV because they can't afford another child,..or the people who lost thousands of dollars to some internet scam,..all the way down to innocent victims of war,..and the usual starving millions..   Suffering it seems,..is  a part of life,.so much so,.that we often go out of our way to create suffering,.for ourselves and/or for others..It can be an indulgence,.or an inescapable reality....Watching the news,..i certainly do not feel so alone...

ecpc ecpc
41-45, M
5 Responses Mar 3, 2009

You sound a genuinely nice person,well balanced,i am sorry you are suffering so much.I wished i could impart the awnser,Garvan.

wow.. was impressed by some of your answers to other peoples questions but now I am simply impressed and slightly in awe of you. um... wow..

Do you know whats wrong? I also suffer from anxiety depression and insomnia. Switching the meds so they work. Its crazy. The pain. Go for a walk, and can't walk the next day.<br />
I feel for you. I do. I will pray that you will get well, but ultimately, if you believe in God, you will not suffer forever!!!<br />
God Bless uuuuuu