This Thing That I Hate

I started cutting myself about 7 1/2 years ago.  At that time, i was really struggling with depression/ panic attacks/ suicidal thoughts.  I don't think I really knew what I was doing.  All I knew was that it made me feel better somehow.  I was cutting my arms and legs every night at one point. 

IN January 2000, the same time when I started cutting, I tried to commit suicide.  I took a whole lot of prescription meds that I had.  I was at a friend's house when this happened & she basically took care of me.  I obviously wound up okay, though I was pretty sick from the whole thing.  The cutting continued.

I managed to stop for a couple of years around 2001-2002, but started back up again when I had to move back home with my parents.  I was 25 years old & having to move home made me miserable.  It was at this point that the cuts became worse-- deeper and more frequent.  I somehow managed to go several years without any scars, but in the past couple of years I have acquired some scars on one leg-- they aren't bad.  They just seem to show that I cut in the same place over and over.  The skin just couldnt' heal.

Anyway, I know that cuttiing is not a healthy coping mechanism. I have been in therapy for 7 1/2 years and see my therapist once a week.  We have been working on the cutting issue for the past few years.  It is really a struggle. 

I want to stop, but it has become like an addiction.  Even when I don't want it to happen, I seem drawn to it.  The urges are so strong.

I really admire the first story-- that she managed to stop.

I know it has been harder and harder the longer I do it.

I just wanted to know that I am not alone & that someone else understands what this is like and what a struggle it is.

take care...
libby1027 libby1027
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 19, 2007

you aren't alone. my last episode was 35 stitches plus some staples and landed me in the psych ward for a week...<br />
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I never understood why I did it either, and have to see why I stopped. The urge come here and there, a couple weeks ago I elbowed a window and sliced my arm open.<br />
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Therapy never really helped me, but doing meditation and yoga and alot of mind-body work helped immensely. Mix it up with your therapist, try to find what they call a Somatic Therapist, they may or may not be ISMETA registered...but it unites mind with body.<br />
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I believe that what cutting served as....maybe you can look into it.<br />
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much love