My Pain

It all started about the age of 11 I hit puberty and started to gain a little weight, It was nothing though I weighed like all of 75 pounds at the time.  People made comments about how little I was, and I loved it.   Two years later I was 13 I had gained more weight because of growing but I did not like it I weighed about 95 pounds I was still under the weight for my age but I was mad, people still made comments but not as often.  I started to not eat, I would go several days without food, but I did not have the power,  I would always give in and eat, a lot.  I purged two or three times but did not really get into it.  Then I got sick really sick I had pneumonia and because of the fluid in my lungs I would cough constantly until the point where I would throw up.  Thats when it really started.  After I was better I realized how much weight I had lost.  I started to purge once a day in the shower at night, I would make myself cough until I was sick, but it made my throat hurt really bad from coughing so much.  Then one day I decided to use my fingers, and that was all it took, just that once.  I am now 15 years old I have had bulimia off and on for 2 years now. I started soccer for high school this past year and made varsity so I had to cut back on purging so often but the past week I have been purging almost everything I eat. If I keep half of a full meal in me by the end of the day its a lot.  I hate my weight, I think I am fat.  I look in the mirror and all I see is fat.  I hate my body with every fiber of my being, I run everyday and eat less every minute.  My breaths are more shallow, and I have almost passed out a few times, but I can't stop.  There are two people who know, they made me promise to get better, but I crossed my fingers.  Who was I kidding when I told them that?  There is no way I am giving up now as hard as I have worked. 

lehu349 lehu349
13-15, F
2 Responses Mar 9, 2010

Thank you Lisabel that did help its nice to know that someone is there and is going through or has gone through the same thing... Thanks =]

I can totally relate to this; a very similar thing happened to me. A little while ago I was in exactly the same position, not wanting to give up because I had worked so hard to be thin and I was happy. I really was happy, but not for the right reasons and I missed out on a lot. I lost friends because I had either lied to them so much about my disorder or because I had isolated myself so much from them in order to protect my disorder. I lost my health. I stopped menstruating too. You may not have started yet, but losing that can be really bad and might even make it so that you can't have kids later in life. Sorry if that freaks you out, but it's the truth. It's not pretty. I'm finally eating pretty normally now and not purging and you know what? I am not happy all of the time. Some days I am completely miserable. But I know I am getting there and that at least when I am happy now it's for the right reasons. It's because I have fun with my friends and I am experiencing life rather than because the number on the scale was lower than the day before. Anyways, if you're reading this, I hope it helps you see that there's more to live for than your disorder. You don't see that now but you will if you get better. I hope you can find someone to help you, especially being so young and that you recover soon. Best of luck :)