Still Struggling.

Right now, I need this group.. and maybe just for a little bit. I might be the most frequent poster. Maybe.

I, am closeted. Sort of.
I am out to my mom, and my younger sister. and to the majority of my friends. But not out to my brother and dad/step dad

If all these people know. how am i still closeted? Well, my family is religious. They know of my relationship with current on again off again gf, but they don't approve.
My relationship with my girlfriend is tenuous as is, but only because of my indecision on making a real commitment to her.

Its not that I want to play to field, or even explore my sexuality with men, or anything like that.  I simply... am struggling with the edicts of my christianity, as well as with the wants, desires, and expectations of my family.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not one of those children who live their entire lives  following the whims and desires of their parents. If I truly believe in something then i will fight for it. I can stand up to my mom when I have a strong conviction in something.

But the fact of the matter, is that i am not sure of myself. I know what i feel, i know what i want, i know what makes me happy; but i don't know if those things are 'good enough'.

Being a raised a conservative christian girl, and growing into a young lesbian woman... its a difficult transition emotionally.

Whereas i am confident in my relationship with my girlfriend. I am not confident in how my God sees it.

God, Family, Friends/Lovers, Has always been my thing. Those were the things that were important to me. They Still are. But now, when the first two are clashing with the second two.... I don't know where to turn.

I can deal with out my families acceptance. I love them but we will not always agree.

But God? Well, i am a lot more beholden to his whims, and approvals than anyone else. If he is not for me, than nothing else matters.

Because of this, though all know my preference, my decision to love women as i do ( for me personally it WAS a choice), am still as scared and as lonely as someone in the closet.
In this situation i am my own worst critic.
I want to believe that God will accept me passed all of this, but it's hard to over throw the doctrine you have held to be true for so long.

I LOVE my christianity. It fulfills me in ways no other thing or person can. But i am IN LOVE with my girlfriend, she makes me happy, and enriches my life in ways that i don't want to part with.

Right now, for me it's a struggle. I haven't met anyone else who understands my plight, although i KNOW there are others. Hopefully here on e.p. I'll find someone who can encourage me. In love, compassion, and understand. Hopefully i can find someone who will relate, and better yet. Maybe my ramblings will encourage someone else.

I have no idea at this moment. Right now i'm just wandering in the dark.

MissVenom MissVenom
22-25, F
10 Responses Aug 14, 2010

Hi to MissVenom and Lostagain88.... I guess I should be thankful for my unsuccessful relationships with women, since I know that right now, if I had the choice between a woman who I loved and loved me back and God, I would choose the former... I hear what you both are saying and I totally empathise. I pray that as you read these words God would pour His love into your entire mind, soul, body and spirit - that it would cast out all fear... Even when we let go of God, He never lets go of us - He loves you unconditionally - same yesterday, today and forever! Trust God; he knows your situation and He will work things out for YOUR GOOD and His glory.

It made me really sad to read your story. As a lesbian myself that has faith, I have to say through my experience that I know God loves me for who I am why else would he continue to bless me if he didn't? I don't mean this to offend anyone because this is just all my personal opinion and what I've learned through my experiences but I've grown to hate organized religion. All it ever taught me was to hate people who are different than me, hate myself because I'm not good enough, and to throw stones at glass houses if you know what I mean.Once I sort of drifted apart from that and formed my own relationship with God away from church and any sort of labeled religion, I felt peace. I feel closer to God now than ever before. I don't think God would have put your girlfriend in your path if he didn't want you to be happy. You love her, be with her. God will still love you no matter what. I hope this helps you sweetie. I know its a hard thing to go through.

We are humans and we can choose our path. every secon and move that we make it's our decision so we are responsable for what we are.<br />
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joesdog, it's time for you to grown up and learn that you can change your life with just 1 thought...<br />
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God bless you!

MissVenom, I am sorry that this is causing so much difficulty and pain in your life. There was a time when I was in your shoes... I have walked that proverbial mile in your moccasins. <br />
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The point is this: Being a lesbian, or in my case a gay man, does not go away. It is not a phase, it is not a condition or an affliction, it is not a pathology that can be cured. It is a facet of you, one piece of the great and shining complexity that is MissVenom... or Joesdog. The fact is, it is a still, quiet little thing until we impose greater significance on it than it ever should have... we worry it and bother ourselves about it, and it gets bigger and scarier by the moment. Eventually, we come to terms with it and it shrinks in a moment and slots neatly into that empty place in us and fits with a little 'click!' and suddenly we feel in balance again, or maybe in balance for the first time ever.<br />
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Long before I was an atheist, I was a pretty dedicated christian boy who wanted to go to divinity school and become a pastor. I know the myth, and speaking from within the fr<x>amework of the christian perspective, God doesn't hate homosexuals. God loves love, and he doesn't give a rat's patootie who is feeling the love or what their gender is. It's all about love, MissVenom.

@ Gheata and lostagain88<br />
Thank you for your inspiring comments

Love is a passing feeling, but faith is a path. A path that you must follow! Love God more than you love yourself or others. He will help you!<br />
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God give you strenght and willpower!<br />
Amen!

i'm right there with you girl! I never knew I would find myself in this place! I did not grow up as a Christina, but I found Christ when I was 12. He did AMAZING things in my life and transformed me completely!! I fell madly in love with Him and decided I wanted to go into missions to tell of the work that Christ had done...then i met a lesbian. She asked me out and I prayed about it. i though God wanted me to share Him with her. Long story short, I fell into sin with her, and now I am having the hardest time getting out. I KNOW with everything in me that it is wrong!!! I hate that I even struggle with it at all. I feel like i'm spitting in God's face everytime I am with her. Sin does feel so good sometimes. I'm sure Adam and Eve would have agreed; but it's just not worth it. I don't feel His presence anymore. I am ashamed to talk to Him. I hide my eyes from His creation and try to forget about His beautiful love so I can live in sin. i keep making decisions to turn from my sin. I do alright for a while then fall again. I'm praying at the moment that God would save me from this. i know He is big enough! our God is bigger than sin!! We can overcome!!! I keep hanging on to the verses found in I John 2:3-6. If I truly know christ, I will not live in habitual sin. If I claim to know Him, i need to walk as christ did! and I will!!! Please join me! We can do this!

Oh, this is hard.....<br />
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I had and still have sometimes homsexual orientation.<br />
but you must not let the feeling overcome you!<br />
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Pray to God, and pray generaly much. go in a place with no humans or with few humans.<br />
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you must remember who you are! It is better for you to run alot and make exercises. You can make this! YOU CAN!<br />
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Don't be defeated by your body excitations! Just fight with yourself and establish order!<br />
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Don't eat sweets. Eat descusting foods or ordinary food like rice (but not sweets!) and stay near nature.<br />
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It is hard, but you can!

@ Christiancowboy, Thank you for your comforting comment.

Do not confuse God with any Church or it's rules. Jesus died on the cross to relieve us of all wrong doing. The Cross is a symbol of God's forgiveness and acceptance of us. It is our assurance of eternal life and a place in God's kingdom. Murderers, thieves, liars, the worst of the worst have been forgiven and accepted by God. <br />
Why would you believe how or who you choose to love would ever keep God from loving you. GOD is not like that, he loves us all. God knows his plans for us long before we do, believe in him and trust his plans. I believe God loves you and your girl friend, it is only man made religious rhetoric that says otherwise