Something Is Broken!

I used to be very self confident, cocky even, I lived for 27 years with very little self doubt and felt righteous in almost all my endeavors. 4 years ago my heart was broken, my life was turned upside down, I lost what I had come to be used to and comfortable with, I was ******** of my confidence and mental clarity, something inside me shattered and fell to pieces and I haven't been the same since.

 When I was a 19 years old I met and fell in love with a girl whom I spent the following 9 years with, I was happy, I had a good life,I had a good job and I was content. I never really contemplated the meaning of any of it, I just lived from day to day, I suppose I just assumed that life would progress however I wanted it to, or that my life would be the same for as long as I wanted it to be. I was very sure of myself and was absolutely positive that my girlfriend was never going anywhere, after all I was the only love , the only touch she ever knew. I had control of the relationship and virtually every aspect of my life, I did what I wanted, when I wanted and I answered to nobody, not my family, not my friends, not even my boss and least of all the girl whom I was supposed to love.I was content.

Then, all of that, the life I had built, was gone. My girlfriend and I had been arguing more and more during the last year of the relationship, I had begun to doubt my love for her, I had begun to see other women as potential replacements, I had begun to contemplate the possibility and even probability of a better life being single and just playing the filed for a while as I saw fit.I never thought of the possibility that I would lose any measure of control and was sure that I would always have all the power. One day "she" and I got into one of our usual fights, over of all things, a bath towel. As we were yelling and screaming at each other we both almost simultaneously shouted at each other that we were finished, that the relationship was over. After a day of cooling off I had regained my composure and, assuming that it was just the usual nonsense, tried to make peace with her and return to normal. She was not so inclined, she actually was done, she actually was over it and did not wasn't to be with me any longer. Little did I know at that time, she had been seeing someone else for at least a couple of months prior and the fight we had was the turning point, she had absolutely every intention of replacing me with this new "dude". I tried every thing I could think of to change her mind, having realized my error and what I was losing, I could not effect her decision, I could not sway her.

 Needless to say this was a profound loss for me, it absolutely crushed my spirit, destroyed my self confidence and shattered my emotional and mental stability.I spent an entire year in self pity and self loathing, in a complete state of depression, inconsolable. I was permanently changed, different, I had seen and done allot of bad things in my life and experienced the loss of relatives, the loss of friends from accidental deaths to murder and none of that could compare to this pain. I was depressed and disheartened and felt utterly hopeless for the next year solid. I had realized at that point that life was not a joke, not a game, that the decisions I make have dyer consequences, that I'm not the center of the universe, that at any time the things that I hold to be of importance can be exposed to be mere foolishness.

Since then I have not been able to regain my confidence completely, I have not been able to see any worth in myself, any real point to life.Perhaps I realized that it is, in the long run, futile. I will never be able to return to that kind of life, I will never be able to have that kind of life again. I have tried to grow and mature, I've realized a better way to behave, a better way to relate to women, a more clear path to happiness. Which is love, respect and a true partnership, not control, not power. I fear though that I'm too late, I fear that all the years I spent in control, coupled with the time I spent in so much pain has caused me to build walls which can not be scaled or broken down, that no woman of any real worth who has what I'm looking for would ever be able to see past the B.S. to get to the real me.

And so I sit, day after day and wallow in my self pity and longing for something to bring meaning to my dreary existence, knowing that the answer is out there somewhere but unable to find it or even to know where to begin looking.

ike1 ike1
31-35, M
1 Response Mar 14, 2010

This story hits home! This is happening to me. I dont see myself ever being the same except I have very little will to live. I am losing things I can not replace and don't care. Irresponsible was never an option but now it's all I've become. Even though Im embarrassed at some of my actions, majority just doesnt care enough to work it out. Thanks for expressing your story the way you did. Seems as if you had the words to speak that I'm lost to find.