Sigh.

I am 21 years old, and I have not done a thing with my life.

I have worked, but I have never applied myself at work. I feel I am inadequate even for the most simple of tasks, as no matter how I've tried in the past I have received nothing but criticism from employers and co-workers. I did well in high school, but, let's be honest; who isn't capable of that? I didn't try at all, I did everything last minute... the only way to fail in high school is to not show up.

Now I go to school in Colorado where I barely apply myself and am working towards a psychology degree, for which I have no future plans. I don't bother trying to find a job in my summers because I will just get fired or become discouraged and quit as I have with any other job. I fear the inevitable fact that once I am forced to be independent, I will fail as an individual and likely wind up homeless.

In addition to this, I can't even bring myself to put effort into relationships. I have no friends, I'm distant from my family and only speak to them if I need something or if I'm spoken to. I have a girlfriend now but she's on the verge of leaving, because as in all my relationships, I get involved to prove to myself that I can and then put in no effort and wait until she gets fed up and leaves. I guess in a way I do it to show myself I was good enough for someone at some point in time.

I can't see a reason to pursue the life that everyone else lives. I find existence to be sad when it's always the same routine... wake up in the morning, go to a job you don't like to make money that you need for your basic necessities... get home too tired to enjoy any of the luxuries you may or may not have built for yourself and go to sleep just to wake up and do it all over again. How does anyone stay sane doing this?

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by sharing this, but maybe something will come of it.
theboaguy theboaguy
18-21
1 Response Jul 31, 2010

I think you may be the male version of me. Have you considered you might have adult ADHD? I've always had a hard time applying myself to anything, I constantly fight negative thoughts, poor self image, and find it really difficult to keep a job as well. I think some part of the job issue is confrontation issues, and most jobs I've had, I've had to serve people in some way, and people drive me nuts. Best of luck, I hope things go okay with your girlfriend and college!