I Won't Give Up On You; I Need To Give Up On You

If you have come across this you may be wondering, 'What on earth is a savior complex?'

Well, don't feel bad. I didn't know that there was a name for it until recently. To be honest, I wish I hadn't discovered it because now my.....'oddity'...has a bizarre name:P Savior Complex...bleh....Basically, it differs from person to person, but to sum it up it is a person who is obsessed with helping people who won't help their selves.

I can't really explain when it began. I believe it was early in high school...9th grade most likely. That is the earliest case I can recall anyway. The guy was so pitiful, barely had any friends, came from a rough family, had bad grades.....He was just lost and needed someone. At least that was what I thought at the time. You see, the problem with a person suffering from a savior complex is that they become so obsessed with helping this other person that they can completely neglect their own life.....even hurting their self just to help this other person. I don't really want to go into the whole story about what went down....it's pretty depressing....The scary part of it is, I probably never would have stopped/given up if this person hadn't truly run me through the ringer and then slammed the door in my face. I would probably still be by his side today, trying to make his life better even though he would do nothing to better it for himself.

You see....it's really complicated to explain. It makes me feel like real dodo to even admit to any of this anyway. It's a very personal matter that goes on in my brain and I tell no one about. I suppose if you really want to dig deep, I do it because it gives me a purpose....I've always been the type of person who wanted to make the world a better place, even if it was only one person at a time. When I see someone who's world is falling apart all around them, my heart goes out to them and I just want to help! Sometimes all it takes is for a genuine friend to come into your life and give you hope and to help you make better decisions. I always get this stupid idea in my head that perhaps, even though they're obviously making TERRIBLE life decisions that only bring them down, down, doooown....maybe if I hang around them enough, encourage them to be confidant in themselves, and help them to see that anything is possible if they just believe and take action for their lives, maybe somehow I can help them turn their lives around for the better....maybe I can help them find happiness.....maybe I can save them from the destruction they're bringing upon themselves.....maybe I can rub off on them somehow....Simply put, maybe I can save them from themselves.

I can get so wrapped up in this, it's frightening. You would be amazed how much some people will use you...especially these sorts of people. They're desperate.....For example, I'm drowning myself right now with a certain person's problems. I keep trying to pull away because I KNOW this is bad...this is really bad. I've helped some pretty self-destructive people in the past, but this person....it's just a nightmare that goes on and on and on. They keep calling me and texting me....they need me practically every second of the day....and I don't mean for this to sound like I'm unwilling to help or that I just find them a nuisance. It's the fact that I've tried to help this person before, they hurt me terribly, and now here I am trying to help them again even though any other normal person would have avoided them like the plague....and no matter what I do or say, they just keep complicating things....and they're trying to pull me down with them. No matter how much I see this happening, I just don't have the heart to tell them what I think or to simply ban them from my life. I know that I should....it would be the smart, healthy thing to do. I'm barely sleeping because all hours of my nights are going to this person.....my thoughts are plagued because they're trying to place doubts in my head, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for all of that......my husband is wondering why I'm spending so much time and getting so stressed out over someone else....This person is literally insane and unpredictable...a danger to their self and I'm worried it's developing into a danger to me as well. Still yet, I can't bring myself to do anything about it! With this complex, all I can think of is the repercussions of what that would do to them. What if they tried to kill their self? What if my actions would cause them to lose all hope and give up the rights to their children? I just can't bring myself to hurt anyone who is relying on me so much. I want to help them!

Why is it so important to me though? Seriously, every single day someone out there has to turn their back on someone or else their whole world may come crashing down as a result of their recklessness. So many people can easily say, "I'm done with you" "I don't want you in my life"....there are a million ways to say it. Nice ways, mean ways, neutral ways....I just can't do it. I feel like I HAVE to help. Even when I know I need to avoid them. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm going to end the drama, when it comes right down to it all I can bring myself to say is, "I'm here for you."

I don't know what provokes a person to develop a savior complex.....or what can help them to get rid of it....but I need to get rid of it. However, at the same time, the idea of getting rid of it makes me feeling incredibly selfish. I just don't know what I'm going to do....but I need to do something. I don't to be a cold-hearted, inconsiderate, failure though...And yes, not helping them makes me feel like a failure.

Ugh, the end. I know this post sucks....but if you were in my brain, you'd be amazed it even came out THIS clear.

UPDATE: I'm very proud to say that I have not talked to this person for 4 whole days. I do worry as to whether he is ok....if he's trying to kill himself or anything...but in the end, I know it doesn't matter what I do. I have no control or influence over him. He will do whatever he insanely decides to do. I hope he sees the light and starts righting his wrongs....
cherryxblossom cherryxblossom
26-30, F
Aug 5, 2010