Yesterday, December 4, 2009, was the first big day of Christmas shopping for me.  A long trip from home to a large shopping mall, as well as several other stores such as Toys R Us and Walmart.  I have this anxiety of being inside of a store for too long.  I don't know if it is the prospect of spending too much money, not being able to sit and relax, or the people, but after about an hour I begin to feel fidgety, uncomfortable, stressed...  and I have to leave the store immediately. 

Along with that problem, which I actually feel I did pretty well with, I had an anxiety attack over the money I was spending on Christmas gifts.  You see, in order to be able to buy Christmas presents, I had to finagle my bills.  Don't pay this, only pay part of that, oh we can catch up on this NEXT month...  And I absolutely HATE not paying my bills.  I feel like I will lose everything if I can't keep current.  I get afraid of loosing my home, my phone and internet, my car... absolutely everything...  I battled the anxiety attack all day long.  At around 3:00 p.m. I broke down. 

We stopped in at Toys R Us one more time because my soon to be brother in law said it was cheaper to buy something there, and I had gotten out of the car to smoke a cigarette.  My fiance went inside to use the rest room.  I sat on the curb and starting crying.  Balling.  I couldn't stop and soon caught myself rocking back and forth and almost hyperventilating.  I just couldn't get rid of the fear that I was going to loose everything.  I didn't want to be homeless again.  I didn't want to feel like no one wanted me...  My soon to be mother in law was the one to get me calmed down...  but I am afraid I caused her more anxiety over the amount we had spent on her and her family because of the way I acted. 

Now I feel ashamed...

ecbarre ecbarre
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2009

i am suffering from panic atacks i had one yesterday

EC-<br />
My heart goes out to you - please see what I wrote to you in your story about trich. <br />
You've got way too much going on inside of you, hence, panic and anxiety attacks.<br />
Please get yourself to someone to talk to.