Yesterday, December 4, 2009, was the first big day of Christmas shopping for me. A long trip from home to a large shopping mall, as well as several other stores such as Toys R Us and Walmart. I have this anxiety of being inside of a store for too long. I don't know if it is the prospect of spending too much money, not being able to sit and relax, or the people, but after about an hour I begin to feel fidgety, uncomfortable, stressed... and I have to leave the store immediately.
Along with that problem, which I actually feel I did pretty well with, I had an anxiety attack over the money I was spending on Christmas gifts. You see, in order to be able to buy Christmas presents, I had to finagle my bills. Don't pay this, only pay part of that, oh we can catch up on this NEXT month... And I absolutely HATE not paying my bills. I feel like I will lose everything if I can't keep current. I get afraid of loosing my home, my phone and internet, my car... absolutely everything... I battled the anxiety attack all day long. At around 3:00 p.m. I broke down.
We stopped in at Toys R Us one more time because my soon to be brother in law said it was cheaper to buy something there, and I had gotten out of the car to smoke a cigarette. My fiance went inside to use the rest room. I sat on the curb and starting crying. Balling. I couldn't stop and soon caught myself rocking back and forth and almost hyperventilating. I just couldn't get rid of the fear that I was going to loose everything. I didn't want to be homeless again. I didn't want to feel like no one wanted me... My soon to be mother in law was the one to get me calmed down... but I am afraid I caused her more anxiety over the amount we had spent on her and her family because of the way I acted.
Now I feel ashamed...