14 years and still learning

I've been chronically depressed for the last 14 years, I try to make the best of it, at times I am successful, other times, not so much. But I hear that is normal. I remember the first time I truly felt depressed I was 9 years old. It didn't make any sense to me. I had a family that loved me, I had a good home, clothes on my back food in my stomach. But I was sad, I always felt so alone even when I was with others. I decided that maybe everyone felt this way I knew that if you ignored an annoying sibling they would go away so I tried to ignore this too. By the time I was 12 I was a mess. I was put on medication but it just seemed to make things worse. By High School things started to get better, I could at least function. I made a few friends and kept busy, but still felt alone. After High School things were tricky. I liked my new "freedom" but didn't know what to do with it. So I went out and got 3 jobs, kept busy, saved all my money and applied for College 8 hours away from home. I was accepted and away I went. I enjoyed parts but still just couldn't quite shake my sadness. After a year there I decided to come home. Things got really bad for awhile, I'm not sure what changed or when, but I knew I needed to do something different. Each day I wrote down something that was good about the day. I wasn't allowed to write anything sad. Only things that were good. It seems to help finding one good thing about each day. Now I try to find at least 10 good things about each day. It gets easier every day to see things that are good and happy. I think that that is the secret. Seeing the good and not forgetting but maybe moving past the bad. I still have a lot to learn. It's still really hard. But I feel different... sometimes even happy.

ImustbeSTRONG ImustbeSTRONG
22-25, F
2 Responses May 9, 2012

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I can relate here.