Pain

Hello, I am 49 years old and I have written many stories but never said who I was, I am sorry.
I have battled chronic pain for a lot of years, I was able to go on with a "normal" life for a lot of years. Those years of fighting through the pain, I really thought I was doing good. The truth has now hit me full force, the damage now permanent and not a lot can be done medically. 
Now I have to be on medications for the rest of my life. Untreated spinal problems led to failed kidneys a lot of medical issues, but the pain the one that stops you in your tracks.
This morning took hours for the medication to kick in enough to move. pain screaming in my body, tears falling against my will. And this morning  as I took my medications I wondered if I just took all of em if I could just sleep and wake up in another place. A place without so much pain, a place where I could walk again, a place where I could work again.
My life is no longer my own, pain is now my life, and it takes over everything, like a demon it controls the person you once were. I am so thankful that I can do what little I can. I have always been independent and made my own way, now waiting on disability to approve my claim. How did this happen? I have lost my home, now renting for the first time in 25 years, landlady waiting for disability  back pay for rent. I can't hold my head up anymore, I had to apply and got foodstamps, I thank God because would starve with out them.
I have always looked at the glass half full, what is happening to me,why am I scared and angry? Why do I think of taking my own life daily? Why can I not adapt to this life? I know we are not suppose to ask why, but I really need answers. My daily prayer has always been create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. 
I write to release sorry if complaining to much. I hope that any reading this is not in screaming pain today, Bless and good luck in your walk.
mommaceitta mommaceitta
51-55, F
2 Responses May 11, 2012

I also suffer from chronic pain. After my last baby, I began to suffer from horrible abdominal pain. I have had so many CT scans, bloodwork ups, tests, and surgeries, and I'm not any better. The doctors don't even know what is causing it. They think that I may have suffered nerve damage after the birth of my son since I almost bled to death shortly after he was born. I used to be so independant...now I can't do much of anything. I am on so many medications that they become hard to keep up with. I have to watch what I eat because even eating causes the pain to get worse. some days I am in so much pain I wish I would just die, or get mad in the morning when I wake up and realize I am still alive. My days are long and hard, I feel like I will never find peace. I'm struggling with graduate school. I fell behind with all the appointments and surgeries that I feel I will never get caught up. When I feel like giving up, I look at my kids (I have 7 beautiful children) and they give me the strength to keep going. :)

I hope you find your strength to keep going. :) You are in my prayers

I am so sorry that you must endure such pain, and 7 babies to raise, I can only imagine I only had 2 but got em grown and they are wonderful people. On those days and I know they are many if you need someone to listen I will be here, I will listen. God bless you my friend

Its Hard very hard! I know but you must fight through it. Your going through a rough patch but things will get better they always do! It realy scares me when people talk about taking there own life. I just had my best friend commmit suicide a while ago. And youve got to think of all your family and friends because if u chose to do that you are destroying those people i still can not get over it that my best friend did it.. i still cry all the time and wish he was here i just cant get over it and its only been a year. So just remember not only is it you that your hurting but leaving permanent scars on every one around you that theyll never ever get over! And im sorry this is all hapening but you will be ok soon enough i promise

Thank you for the kind words, after I wrote this morning, I went to the ER my pain was out of control. They pumped me full of morphine and gave more pain medication. But while I was waiting on the shot, my hubby looks at me and says "please don;t let this pain make you take your own life, don't do that to me." I don't know how he knew how close I have come this week, I haven't because of the ones that I love and love me. I don't want to be weak, its really really hard.

He knew because hes also in pain not physicaly but mentaly my girlfriend always told me that when i hurt she hurts and we will go through this like that forever. So he knows and understands the pain and what the limits are so he wants to re asure u that he loves you and he realy wants to be around you forever and if lost you he will be in way more pain than even we can imagine