I have a high pain tolerance, but chronic pain just wears you down. I constantly push it down and get on with my life and hide it from people. I still do things I shouldn't, but I'm a big guy and I can't say no when people ask me for help, whether it be moving something heavy or helping them move house. It is incredibly embarrassing for me to have to say "no, sorry..I can't, my back hurts" So instead I do it, knowing it might cost me a week on my back unable to do anything.

Right now though the pain is winning, I once read someone elses explanation of chronic pain which I thought was extremely apt. "it's like putting your hand in a pot of boiling water on the stove..and when you ask when you can take it out you are told..never!" There is no fixing what I have, I just have to work around it. It makes things that "normal" people put up with seem trivial. I don't mean life's problems, we all have something. But a simple argument is incredibly hard, I am scraping the very bottom of my endurance and my self control to push this pain down, like forcing a over packed suitcase closed..every fiber of me is pushing it down, so I can function as a normal person.

But it's tiring, and then when I am dealt other problems that are nothing in the scheme of things, I don't have much left to deal with them and over react, or snap, at people..ever tried to concentrate on an incredibly busy highway with traffic everywhere, the roads are wet, the light is between light and dark and you are having trouble seeing, and every part of you is focused on not having an accident..and the kids are in the back seat fighting, and you just can not deal with them and you snap at them to cut it out or you will turn around? it's like that times a million, and it never stops.

I am writing this for my own benefit right now, I just need to. Also to apologize to the people I do talk to, who have dealt with me at my worst.And who knows, maybe this will help someone with chronic pain or who is dealing with someone they know in chronic pain. Now, I don't care what other people say, if you tell me to suck it up, or how to do better, or tell me how badly I am doing things, well, unless anyone has walked every single step of my life then you can't judge me. I don't judge others for the way they live their lives, I know I have no right to. So if you are still one of those people who think they know everything, kindly f off.

To those who know me, and were unlucky enough to deal with me, I am sorry. In order to get through life occasionally I take pain medication, and all pain medication has side effects, for me, they make me say things without thinking. I get extremely low and seem to lash out at the world and the people I need more than ever. It is not a matter of simply "doing this instead"..no..I can't..or I would! I have zero control over it, zero. I do not want to be this, but I sometimes need a break from pain. I don't get it, but the medication does take the knife out and make it bearable.

So, my apologies. I would leave EP so as not to risk upsetting people, but then I'm left with nothing to distract me, and I don't think I'd last very long. EP lets me focus on something else. It's a great distraction. Every person on here has been a blessing in one way or another, reading stories, talking to people briefly, and meeting some fantastic people. Thanks, and my sincere apologies one more time. We all have too much to deal with, I am sorry if I added any more pressure to anyone elses life
Bushmanoz Bushmanoz
51-55, M
4 Responses Jan 29, 2015

My heart goes out to you. I know it's a great suffering for you. I think people who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis are very brave. I hope that one day there may be a better medication or solution to bring you relief.

Thank you for your post. Your analogy of the pot of boiling water is one that I plan to use. I have degenerative disk disease and have been in chronic pain for about 13 years, and people don't understand how debilitating it is.
A friend heard me make a noise when I tried to get up out of my chair and I said it was my back pain acting up, and his response was 'yeah, i worked in the garage the other day and my back was sore' like that was the same thing. I would give anything to work hard and just have a sore back that would go away after some rest. Then you'll get those giving advise like, you need to lose weight, or do physical therapy. I've been there and no amount of either will stop my vertebrae from deteriorating and causing pain.
I hate taking narcotics for the pain, but it's a necessary evil and keeps me working. One thing I want to try once the stupid government makes it legal is cannabis tincture. It's high in CBD (pain killing property), but low in THC (psychoactive). I have 'high' hopes for it because it's not physically addictive. Maybe someday that will be legal or they'll figure out how to stop pain without side effects.

My life is like you described almost verbatim! Have been living with leg and back pain now for 15+ years and hate taking pain pills but have to. I have a family to support with kids to put through school! No one seems to understand exactly what it's like to live this way. The pot of boiling water analogy is one I will use as well. Good luck and hope you find a way to get rid or help cope with the pain. Maybe the cannabis legalization can happen soon! I'm all for anyway to help deal with pain!

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. And that I can relate. I've dealt with chronic pain a few times before in my life and you're right...it does wear you down so much. It makes you not yourself anymore. I sincerely hope you feel better and find some relief soon! Please take this next bit as advice with the intent to help...but there is no shame in saying no to people/things you know will not be good for you. You gotta take care of yourself first and foremost! Any and everything you can possibly do to cut down the pain level is good to do! I know it's aggravating and frustrating, but so is losing it when it all gets too much to bear. I'll be sending positive vibes your way and hoping for healing, good health, and wellness for you... :)

Thanks, I will try to remember that. I always assume I will get over it later and don't like to say no.

I'm so sorry Mate . I didn't know you were struggling with such a horrible condition .
You have been nothing but a pleasure to chat with and I would never have guessed that you were in such pain.
I wish there was an easy answer for that , chronic pain is so cruel.

Thanks mate!, I'm doing ok, we all have something.

Yes we do .
Fingers crossed your new love will take your mind off it more often . Lol

Ha, well that sounds scandalous! I am enjoying the new hobby though, it does help

Lol . You knew what I meant .
Glad it's both enjoyable and a distraction . Little costly , but your set now . Lol

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