Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Live Like This
I have been depressed since I was a child. There have been moments when I have felt ok but for the most part I am beyond unhappy. I am a wife and mother to two girls both almost adults now and if it werent for the girls I believe I would have checked out long ago. My husband is not much help, he feels sorry for himself much of the time and acts as if everything that goes wrong in my life is another thing he gets to feel has happened to him. I am a survivor of extreme child abuse and sexual abuse. I also was born with congential hip displasia that went untreated for two years. After many surgeries I now have a hip replacement and suffer with chronic pain. I am exhausted ALL the time and in spite of all of this I am there for my family and do everything in my power to support them. My youngest has an eating disorder and as a result I was asked to quit a job I lOVED to monitor her 24/7. She almost died twice and helping her has cost us all of our savings, my retirement savings are gone, the credit cards are maxed out and we can't afford to do a thing. I was doing ok with all of this. I work at a really CRAPPY job that I hate but work for people that I love. I may not have a dime in my pocket but there is food in the fridge and the bills are paid (mostly). I am managing. Or I was. Three days ago my husband went on a rant. I was told that I and my daughter are a burden. That he he has nothing because of us. He told me how bad his life is and that he is entitled to have things and that he cant have them because of us. He even said that our sex life is bad and thats my fault. The man never touches me until 11:30 pm when I have to be up at 6 and I always make myself "available" but apparently thats not enough. I guess other women who are resented find that to be a real turn on. I am angry and hurt. The guy has the lion share of everything in this house but thats not enough. Today he says I want to apologize for some of the things I said. I said nothing. He can say hes sorry but those words didnt just appear out of nowhere. I never complain. I endure all of the pain and the mental health issues in silence and take so little but still have to hear about how rotten HIS life is. Honestly I dont know how much longer I can live with the constant pain. The only thing that kept me going was the misguided belief that I was loved and needed. Without that to keep me going I dont know what I will do. The only reason that I havent taken my own life is because of the girls. I wont do to them what my mother did to me when she tried to kill herself. I just cant imagine the rest of my life like this. I have NO joy in my heart. There is nothing that makes me feel good. I am sad 100 percent of the time. Thank God I am a good actress as I wouldnt want to have my kids know how bad it is.