Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Live Like This

I have been depressed since I was a child. There have been moments when I have felt ok but for the most part I am beyond unhappy. I am a wife and mother to two girls both almost adults now and if it werent for the girls I believe I would have checked out long ago. My husband is not much help, he feels sorry for himself much of the time and acts as if everything that goes wrong in my life is another thing he gets to feel has happened to him. I am a survivor of extreme child abuse and sexual abuse. I also was born with congential hip displasia that went untreated for two years. After many surgeries I now have a hip replacement and suffer with chronic pain. I am exhausted ALL the time and in spite of all of this I am there for my family and do everything in my power to support them. My youngest has an eating disorder and as a result I was asked to quit a job I lOVED to monitor her 24/7. She almost died twice and helping her has cost us all of our savings, my retirement savings are gone, the credit cards are maxed out and we can't afford to do a thing. I was doing ok with all of this. I work at a really CRAPPY job that I hate but work for people that I love. I may not have a dime in my pocket but there is food in the fridge and the bills are paid (mostly). I am managing. Or I was. Three days ago my husband went on a rant. I was told that I and my daughter are a burden. That he he has nothing because of us. He told me how bad his life is and that he is entitled to have things and that he cant have them because of us. He even said that our sex life is bad and thats my fault. The man never touches me until 11:30 pm when I have to be up at 6 and I always make myself "available" but apparently thats not enough. I guess other women who are resented find that to be a real turn on. I am angry and hurt. The guy has the lion share of everything in this house but thats not enough. Today he says I want to apologize for some of the things I said. I said nothing. He can say hes sorry but those words didnt just appear out of nowhere. I never complain. I endure all of the pain and the mental health issues in silence and take so little but still have to hear about how rotten HIS life is. Honestly I dont know how much longer I can live with the constant pain. The only thing that kept me going was the misguided belief that I was loved and needed. Without that to keep me going I dont know what I will do. The only reason that I havent taken my own life is because of the girls. I wont do to them what my mother did to me when she tried to kill herself. I just cant imagine the rest of my life like this. I have NO joy in my heart. There is nothing that makes me feel good. I am sad 100 percent of the time. Thank God I am a good actress as I wouldnt want to have my kids know how bad it is.
jemslost jemslost
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 18, 2012

(BIG HUG!!!!)

Oh my gosh, woman, you really are going through some insurmountable ****. One thing you really need to do is give yourself a massive thumbs up to keep going! I mean I know a lot of people, myself included that suffer from depression, and they would never be able to do what you are doing. You are pure hero! I know so many people, myself included, that would have just capitulated into an even deeper depression, would have given up, would just say, screw it, I don't care what happens anymore, ya'all on your own, sick daughter included. Please try and see a therapist, not because you are acting crazy, but you need some support, sister. If you can't afford it, there are programs out there that can help you for no cost. But it sounds like you are firmly planted in reality, which is the first step. Now, you need to come up with a plan, a strategy. Come up with something that feels best for you. Don't worry about it failing. I used to not take action because I'd feel too overwhelmed and paralyzed to do anything, but now, since I have tried to tackle stuff, I've realized it's a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Sounds like you are doing the right thing, and when you do the right thing, things always turn out it in a way that you can feel good about yourself, even it may seem like you didn't get what you wanted. So with your strength and insight, I'm sure you can come out of this, just take it slow, get in a support group, like Co dependent, or Al anon, (even though this is not your situation, they can direct you to one that will help you) see the therapist and do your best, which you already are doing. Be proud of yourself. You sound like a really decent person.

I understand your depression because I am extremely depressed and it seem like no amount of antidepressants have helped. All I can really say is look at your girls for strength. I had a stillbirth last year and even though my twins are not here I still look to them for my strength and will continue to. No child is a burden I can't believe your husband say that to you. I may not know you but from what I have read you are a great mother and a gift to both your girls. Keep your head up!