I Was Miserable and Still Am...

I'm 24 years old and I had my son at a young age.. at 16.

I alwaIys felt alone and empty, always wanted to run away from home even at the age of 10. Abusive father made it worst with his drinking. I hated walking to school alone or when I came from school I had to walk behind a crowd of other classmates, didnt want to be seen. It was 103 degrees and always kept my window, shades and curtain closed living on a fifth floor because I didnt wanna be seen by people outside. Missed half or 75% percents of my medical appointments. Even when I had my child I always had a rescheduling problem cause I would miss his appointments too. I hated cleaning, hated going outside. Sometimes I would give my son just water in a bottle cause i didnt want to go to the store and get him his food or milk and my mom would come home and buy it for me being so angry at me, not understanding why I was being so neglectful. I loved my son dearly, always had him with me but I just hated runnign errands outside. I hated summer. oh boy did I hate it. Felt so fat and sweaty. Not to mention I  have a sweating problem, my arms,my head, my breast...everywhere. I went to a shelter and had gotten my own appartment and it was crazy. It was all fun and great untill i got used to my apartment and losing excitement. I had made my old 66 year old dad bring me toilet paper from the store which was just below me..smh. i would lie to my dad saying that i wanted to see him but it was only because i wanted him to bring me something. Also if Iever have a appointment that i absolutely had to go to I would never go alone...it was a must to go with someone. if not then I would reschedule. I have lost my insurance and alot of oppurtunities due to my procrasination. Its all Ive done all my life. I go back and forth with school, once i see i cant concentrate i drop out. I can never keep a job cause im always late and also miss alot of days not only that.... I have interviews and  I get so nervous and doubtful that I dont go and loose the interview.. Ill either think.. I dont look good in this outfit or im too fat, they wont hire me. My son missed alot of school days cause of me. AQlways woke up late or still tired even when i had 10 hours of sleep. My body would feel drained and my head would feel foggy. I have so much backache all because all I do is lay in bed. My income is so low, when I did go to school which only lasted 1 month or two.. I took out a 10,000 loan... and supported myself with that. Then I had a terrible boyfriend who destroyed my home, broken walls and broke my laptop, boombox, dvd player, digicam, a window, and ect.... boy was I freaking depressed.. this was 2 months ago... My son hasnt been living with me for  2 years cause my sons father was giving me the chance to get my life together... but i tried and didnt succeed. I finally seeked help and started taking medication 2 days ago... ehh Im so impatient that I have to wait a couple of weeks for it to kick in. I had  a rough life... I feel like slapping the crap out of people when they say. " your fine, your just stubborn , or lazy.. you need to go out and have fun.. snap out of it!" I do want to go out and have fun!! But i cant! Cause I dont have the energy to get up and get dressed and have that live attitude. I last months without going foodshopping or even doing laundry, so I feel dirty all the time. I have a dog who I love so much an is so sweet and always play with her but I never walk her, shes my only company, I can go on for ages but i will stop here.. wish me luck..ty

s0empty s0empty
1 Response Jul 23, 2009

All will be well.