something I have realized a while now....
I enjoy the pain of my migrains on some level. The pain can be unbearable and hellish at times, and I hate it. But just like other things in life, somehow you live with it.

I realized sometimes that there is a sort rush when you get migraine. Like... in the midst of horrible pain, the rush suddenly make you feel like the world is spinning out of control. Everything is spinning, even though you know your not moving. Sometimes it can make you puke, but just like with any roller coaster, it can be enjoyable to.
If your in the darkness and wait for it to subside, it isn't as painful, and thus the... "acceptance" and even "enjoyment" of the spinning feeling comes.

Somehow I wonder if it makes me a sadist.
Starting to enjoy my own suffering... kinda weird to think it can be enjoyable to get migrains somehow.

I wonder why I feel like this.
Maybe I should work harder to rid myself of this, but I wonder if it also make me fight harder. This migraine might be a gift to my mortal body. Something to give me reason to fight every day to live. A way to drive me forward because I always fight destiny, and migraine is like something sent by destiny to ruin my future. Pleasure of knowing fighting it gives me a will of cold fire. Relentlessly fighting to remain myself even amidst it all.

Might sound strange, and it might be my mind is somehow trying to make me adept more to this condition in some ways. But I do not resent this from happening to me. From the first time I experienced it and to now, I never felt angry about having it. All I felt was a will to fight on, to be myself more.

Maybe it's the rush of fighting to be myself that make me feel good about it? Even though it hurt, how can I not enjoy fighting to be myself? I will consider it fortunate I started getting migrains... even against all the pain, and everything it has done against me. If anything it inspires me to continue living. Continue to write.
I even started writing a book during migrains, because I wish to make a positive out of it. It's really weird.

Death, life, pain, love, joy... I wish I knew more of joy, but I don't mind to suffer if it makes me live for tomorrow.

It probably sounds twisted... but that's me.
Barlong Barlong
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 15, 2014

Hopefully it will lead you to where you need to go!........Perhaps you will get the answers you have been looking for.....