Always This Way

I am not sure where to begin. I should start by saying that I am a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. I should, in theory, be able to figure this out and know what to do about it. I have felt for most of my life as if nothing was real. This obviously gets more intense in times of increased situational stressors. However, there is always an underlying current of not really being in the moment. My first experience of this was about the age of 3. I was very ill with Still's Disease and spending a lot of time in a children's hospital (with a fever of 106). I remember getting out of my hospital bed, walking to the door, and seeing nurses running to the room. My memory from that moment was that I felt like I was in a movie..or watching a movie. As a child I had OCD symptoms that were not treated. It didn't keep me from doing what I needed to do, but was very distracting. As a teenager, I had panic attacks that were untriggered. I started taking Paxil as a teen and eventually felt completely numb/apathetic which I can assure you did not decrease the feeling of depersonalization. As an adult, I have struggled with my anxiety. I have had a lot of difficulty explaining to other's how I feel. In college, I like to drink a lot. Alcohol seemed to blur the edges in a different way.. Edges have always been blurry for me, but that was a more tolerable blurry. I have a hard time experiencing life and often feel like I forget important events ever even occured. Someone else will bring something up and I struggle to recall it. I was very active in high school and was even a cheerleader which was very hard for someone with my anxiety. I tried to fight the feeling and wanted to feel connected. I am comfortable around my Husband and feel like the strange sense of not being real is less intense when I am with him. I find myself touching his hair or leg to remind myself that we are both present.. in the moment. . .When it is extremely severe I feel like I am going "crazy". I don't feel like the wheels are touching the road when I am driving and I question if what I am seeing is real. I was having a particularly bad experience one evening and went home. The house was dark and then an ambulance pulled up to a neighbor's house. The sirens and lights intensified the symptoms. I have a friend that I can talk to about this. She helps me to "see something, feel something, smell something, hear something, and touch something". This is usually at least somewhat grounding. I read a lot which is the only thing that helps me to sleep. I think the key for me is reminding myself NOT to worry too much about it. I try to ignore it as much as possible. The more attention I give it the more it grows! Just wanted to share a little about how I feel.
mrsrosered mrsrosered
31-35, F
5 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Its not easy to grasp the concept but i believe we are souls having a human experience. I rejected the idea much at first. I too had feelings like you i chose to ignore them. I read at least 4 or 5 hours before i would sleep. Then i went to alchol becuase i didnt want this feeling to grow inside me if i rejected the idea then it would go away. It didnt, i couldnt reject a part of me i had not yet come to understand part of my true self if you will. I embraced the disconnect through meditation and if i feel i cant control it to sleep a little weed helped me relax enough to sleep. I guess all im really trying to get out of this is i believe you have a gift much like i do and it be a waste to hide yourself from the world. Its a lonley place out there and we need more people like you to help others through it.
Much love
A fellow traveller

Thank you for sharing. How does it affect your work? And do you notice when others try to taunt you or upset you by bringing up painful memorys do you have trouble attaching "feelings" to sed memorys even if you can recall them?

Thanks so much for reading. It means a lot. :)

Oh and I took Lexapro once and the apathy was pronounced. I was unable to cry or feel really anything. I would stare at myself in the mirror for hours at a time trying to figure out who I was. Never again will I take those drugs.

This is amazing. I feel like I wrote this down to the part about being a cheerleader and wanting to be connected and touching your husband (though I'm not married, I have to see and touch someone that I love). I'm so happy to have found EP. Thank you for sharing.