It's My Only Escape From The Painful Reality

as soon as i get off the bus, i go straight in my room , turn my music on and start to rock back n forth.....i create a story out of my daydreaming. like today ...i will dream about going to school...just a regular day and meeting a guy. when i meet the guy we talk..go into deep conversations about how i feel and how he feels ..somehow we just kiss and i get scared from the kiss....and he comes running back to me saying all this sweet stuff....he asks me out...i say yes ...and i dream about our everyday relationship...like the difficulties of it...the fights....betrayal...and how the hard moments bring us back together..making us stronger. when i daydream...i will daydream for about 2 hours non-stop....i once daydreamed from 9 in the morning to 7 at night. while i am daydreaming...i listen to music to help me get the mood of the situation...when i stop daydreaming....i kinda feel empty ...i go to the computer...and when my dad comes through the door ....i just go right back to daydreaming because i hate my dad...i have never liked him because he only puts me down ..and i am not accepting a father like that. they say it's because prior trauma or abuse.  but  i mean i think the only prior trauma i had was on my 15th birthday when i felt it wasn't my birthday ...just another boring day....the day after my birthday ..when my dad was at work...i was alone...at the table...and began to cut myself...i cut myself for a month. my sister found out and told my dad....we had an intervention because the reason i began cutting was because nobody would listen to me...about anything....my day at school...my poetry that i write ..and so my dad said i will go easy on you...i'm sorry...so when my sister went back home to Raleigh...my dad came in my room and yelled..."i will tell you what...you think you can blackmail me into making me feel guilty..you got it wrong...you can cut yourself a thousand time i don't care...you can cut your head off....but you will not blackmail me young lady"... and that's when i began to daydream longer ...to get away from the words he said...he never said sorry even when i asked. but everyday i continue my story...like yesterday i daydream about us going on a date ...coming home and talking...and today i will continue the conversation i left off. i sometimes create story's where i am abused or when i am homeless....because i never been in that situation and i never will...i just try to myself in that kind of situation because everybody says your ungrateful and i never said i wasn't so i create story's of pain and misery for me so i can have pain and bad words ...even though i will  never ever feel the real pain that comes through different people with different situations....i try to create so i see what they have to go through by putting myself in their situation. i get real emotional with come of the situations that i create ...like i created i still cut myself during an abusive relationship....and in most of my stories....during the dream...the hard crying parts of it  ..i go in the bathroom or bedroom and cut myself in the dream that i create....because i am not allowed to cut myself in reality...but in my daydreaming time...i can still feel the pain being released when i visualize myself cutting...it's my way to get away from my dad...sister....and the painful words that might hit me later on
meris24 meris24
18-21, F
Dec 17, 2011