I Am Growing So Tired Of This....

I can't remember when this actually began. But if I were to analyze my childhood, all the indications that I was a lonely child who was possibly unloved and not-valued were there. I was given away by my own father who now I know and accept as an irresponsible and selfish man who puts his own needs ahead of everyone else, including his own children. My uncle and aunt took me in, but my aunt hated having me around and she wasn’t afraid to make that known to me when my uncle wasn’t around. She was emotionally and physically abusive. I remember being slapped and spanked for the most unwarranted reasons. My biological mother came to take me back when I was around 5 years old. Being with her and my biological older sister still didn't give me the feeling like I belonged with them and so my daydreams were a way to comfort me. In my world, I was loved and appreciated. My world, in my head, made me feel good, really good.

Fast-forward to today, I am a young male with no real directions in life. Although, a part of me wants to succeed and grab hold of every opportunities coming my way, another part of me tries to sabotage all those hopes and positivity. On the outside, I look like your average and “normal” guy who goes to university, has a part-time job, and volunteers for good causes weekly-basically I look like a guy who is working hard and is heading somewhere in life. But I feel torn between my two worlds, reality and dream world. I find myself drifting away into my dream world often. I can go for hours a day and everything and anything in my reality can be a trigger for me to slip away into this other world that makes me feel so good.

MD makes me take a long time to get out of bed, get ready in the morning, get out of the house, makes it hard for me to study, clean, eat, sleep, hanging out with family and friends… Looking back on my life, I can see that without MD I would have been dead or lived a life where I would have been dependent on harmful substances like drugs or alcohol- I can say that MD is like an addiction for me, a safer alternative to the other coping mechanisms out there. This addiction takes its toll on the inside where other people can’t see it. Honestly, no one would ever believe or could guess that I have this battle waging on inside me daily. On some level, I am thankful for MD because it could have been worse. If I were to cover the MD aspect of my life, my life is pretty good. I have a good head on my shoulders. I am a responsible person who tries to help others whenever I can. I can say that I am proud of the man that I am becoming. But it pains me that I can’t shake my MD off now. I tell myself that it was a coping tool that helped me make it out of my sad childhood and it was a gift in helping me utilize my creativity that allowed me to use my imagination to develop ideas, understand people better on a deeper level, solve problems and so on but when I am making up story-lines and characters in my head where I was always the better version of the real me I feel like I am wasting my time indulging in these fantasies and I hate it. But it feels so good. It feels so good to drift away for hours on end as living as this better me with all these good things surrounding me. I feel ashamed for sometimes acting out these fantasies in my house or room alone. And sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to stop myself from showing facial reactions or make slight movements when I am out in public. Paying attention is extremely difficult. 3-hour long school lectures are so hard to endure but I try my best to cope. I make an effort to sit right in front of the professor. I make an effort to make detailed notes. I make an effort to snap back into reality often and pull myself away from my daydreaming addiction. I really want to shake my MD off. I want to use my time better. I want to be more focus in my life.

I feel upset and angry at myself because ultimately this disorder is in my own hands to overcome. It’s me versus me, right? I want to believe in the power of mindfulness and the ability to retrain your brain because ultimately all the psychology and biology knowledge that I have accumulated taught me that you have the power to shape your own life but I have had so many days where my daydream hours outnumber my real life hours that I feel that I may never be able to stop this addiction.
supplanting supplanting
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 7, 2012

Thank you for the link.