His name is Joshua Renly and I've been dreaming of him since I was eight years old; during the day and at night, his life unfolds within the realms of my mind. For a time, I thought I was gifted enough to see life through another person's eyes, that Joshua was a real person that may one day cross my path. I was so convinced he existed - somewhere - and I thought there was a reason I was aware of his existence, a reason I saw him within my mind while everyone else saw no one. So I took his 'life' experiences and every word he said to heart; I learned from them, grew from them, and often times felt them extract very raw and very real emotion from within my chest.

He shaped my beliefs. Was my mentor.

When I was fifteen years old, I came to the realization that Joshua exists only within the confines of my mind; that his world was galaxies away from mine, in a vivid, technicolor realm so often called "non-existence". It took time but I came to accept that, for this reason, our paths would never cross - neither in my world nor his. Still I dreamed of him, thought if him, wrote of him. Still I craved his presence.

Two years ago, at twenty-one, I came to the conclusion that I preferred Josh's world to my world; that his world was so much better, brighter, louder than this dark, bleak reality and I would have done almost anything to stay trapped within my mind - within him. Sleep was the one time I could see him uninterrupted but even then he would fade to darkness and I would wake in disappointment; soon my fear of experiencing that feeling of disappointment overrode my need for sleep... A few months later, I started to see Joshua everywhere: while I was out grocery shopping or at a doctors appointment or, more horrifyingly, while driving until the incessant honking of the motorist behind me would drag me out of "non-existence" and back into reality. I stopped eating as my thoughts lingered on him - not intentionally, I would merely forget - and I started forgetting/subconsciously choosing not to run essential errands (like paying rent or dropping off time-sensitive packages) as Joshua's world took a priority over mine; he consumed me entirely.

My reality started crumbling at the doorstep of "non-existence" this past year... I was diagnosed with a schizoid personality disorder and was stuck with a diagnosis of maladaptive daydreaming shortly after. The medications started immediately and, while they don't completely pull me away from Josh, I can't help but miss him...
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1 Response Oct 26, 2014

Ah.. I know what you mean. I was so sure that I could see Damon's world and he was just somewhere else in this world that I searched everywhere. Nope. Didn't work.
and now I am having the same difficulties you faced. I just forget what I am doing randomly.
Crashed into a door today in front of my entire class.
It's fun isn't it?