I remember when I was about 13 years old and my father walked into my room and caught me staring at a picture of a boy glued to my wall only and inch away from my face. He thought it was funny.. to him I was a teenager, having my first celebrity crush.
My head was spinning... I did not giggle.... I did not even realize when he had entered the room, I did not notice him until he was right next to me. Oblivious... distanced... somebody else in love, I was miles away from my room.
Up until tonight I have continuously ignored the issue I have. I am 22 now. It has been 9 years of imagenary love, harship and victory. I alway knew it was wrong, but I never had the guts to google it. What a world I lived in up until 30 minutes ago, where I was scared to google. I was actually afraid of finding nothing. Just me, a social invalid unable to love.
You know, my frineds have real realtionships, and I have MD. I will be completely honest here, since tonight I am being completely honest with myself. The only thing I am afraid of right now, is that I will not be able to go back to the photo of this perfect man that I randomly found on the internet, and that has for the last five years served as my perfect... escape? Well... I would not say so. It was not an escape, MD never felt like the only way out for me, I never said no to friends or my obligations because of the MD. My MD is not even completely imaginary, it is part real, since I have a real photo... the man is not completely constructed in my head.
I hope that somewhere on this site there is somebody that can tell me I am not alone, because that is sure what it feels like. You see, I can take up to 2-3 hours staring at the computer screen at a photo of a man that I find attractive and make up stories and scenarios, which are mostly romantic. Furthermore, my MD is fueled. Yes, fueled. What I call it in my head is ˝creative fuel˝. I have a period during which I daydream a lot. Looking at this photo daily for a certain period of time I will use up the fuel, and that for some time the prospect will not excite me very much. The more I stay away, the best it is to come back to it. The daydreams are close to many of yours as I have read. Romantic, heroic, true? Ofcourse not. Why not? Why me? Why does this indispose me so much? Am I compensating? I think I might be.
My childhood was traumatic in some of it´s aspects, that is for sure, but I have only started daydreaming at 13. 13, ah, 13. When girls turned pretty and I turned awkward, when girls´ boobs grew, and mine practicaly inverted, when other girls bloomed and I... I did not understand. (Even know when I am happy with myself I cannot stop!)
There was not a person in my town who saw me and found me attractive, and if there was, I would not be able to see it beacuse of my weird, ˝fat˝ childhood, that was not lonely, but then at times it felt like I was a completely other species. You know what, I have always lied to myself and said I did not care, that they were all stupid anyways. There was only one reason why I said that... because the boy in the photo cared, and now it is the man on the photo who cares. So in reallity I care. I always did.
Ironically, maybe if I did not excell in other aspects of my life I would have worked this out much earlier. I fear the disappointment of my friends who find me smart and successfull, I fear it even though they will never know. So in reality I disappoint myself with having MD. I am ashamed. I am worried this might mean that the only love I will experience will be the one I imagine.
I am sick of it. It feels like I do not really know myself. This problem is two fold, I am obviously a lot more fragile than I was willing to admit, and I have a problem I do not know how to solve. I would like to live the life I dream (except from the war ones ofcourse ), and I would really like to hear a voice or two of those who kind of get it.
I appreciate if you have read my late night thoughts all the way till the end.
I hope there are some fingers crossed for me out there because I could sure use some, and so could my 13 year old self with inverted boobs :D.
I sure hope you guys learn how to hadle your problems, and ironically, do not stop dreaming. Dreaming of life were you are you, and you are good enough, and you learn to find the good enough in other people. The people who will make your everyday a dream.
mrwoman mrwoman
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 21, 2016

This is a pretty late reply,but I just want you to know that you are not alone. And you shouldnt consider this to be a "disease" or an "ailment". Its a slight obstacle. But nothing you cant overcome :D

I was totally freaked out when I found out I have MDD. I am self diagnosed, but it was so obvious when I read the definition of MDD. But right now, I think I have found a few tricks of the trade. Googling MDD shouldve shown you a few suggestions on how to tackle it. For me the most effective one is on how to analyse the triggers. My triggers are music and alone time. If there is music playing, its gonna take a lot to make me wanna focus on reality. Also, when I am alone, I tend to start losing grip on reality and fall straight into any one of my many alternate universes where I am the most legendary person around :') it helps me to be around people. I do all my work in the living room at home, so that I am constantly jolted back to reality by my family. They dont realise it, but they are helping me alot.

I suggest that you try to find your triggers and work to eradicate them from your life as far as possible. Its hard, but you can do it.

I hope I helped even a little. Best of luck, not that you need it ;)

I know how you feel, im 24 and have been daydreaming since i was around 8. I would stare at pictures for hours (and I still do) If you want too talk just send me a message. Just know that you are not alone!