I've had MDD since as far back as second grade. I've never told anyone else about it, because it's probably the most embarrassing thing I do. I don't have the kind of relationships where I tell others everything about myself, even my best friends, because as all of you know, this is some pretty weird sh*t. Just to give you some context, I’m not super shy or anything, I have a decent amount of friends. I am an introvert, but I do go out once and a while and have fun.
For me, maladaptive daydreaming is not only an escape, but something that I NEED to do every day. I'll get this feeling, sort of like a gaping hole in my heart, and everything in me is telling me to do it. Usually after school, especially if I'm a GOOD mood, or after a party, I'll put my headphones in and usually listen to some EDM, but any genre will do. It's more the song that matters. There are certain songs that really trigger the daydreams, usually my favorite songs, and when I listen to music, I “just know” if I've come across such a song. During, I’ll turn the volume up subconsciously when I hit the peak so I get a better “high”, to the point where it’s at the highest setting. I’ll come out of it and turn the volume back down when I realize.
So the content of the dreams. I don't have an attachment to any of the characters I make up in my daydreams, but they all share one thing. They are always people I wished I hung around. Attractive, loud, popular, funny are the characteristics that surround these faceless entities. The "spotlight" is the core of the dream, usually being the guy I like at the time, who will always be present and watching a better me interact with these new friends. It changes every day for me, and it doesn’t have to be a guy. It can be just whoever I’m trying to impress, and I feel the need to impress them because in real life, I didn’t do a good enough job of it. Sometimes I'll just be dancing in front of them, sometimes I'll be crying about some drama. A common theme is usually there's some huge amount of drama centering around me. And here's where it gets really messed up. My parents aren't physically abusive, and I know that they love me. They have been verbally abusive in the past, and I think that my MDD might stem from that, but nothing serious. But in my dreams, I'll imagine that they're bat sh*t crazy. That they do drugs, they're physically abusive, etc.. and I'm crying the next day with my perfect friends that I have to support my siblings with my modeling career or some high status job, in front of whoever the real life person I’m trying to impress is. I feel like it shows how superficial I can be as well, since I think people value how much of a big deal you seem like versus what you are actually like.
I'm lucky I don't suffer from severe MDD, as I only do it for about 15 minutes before getting kind of a disgusted feeling. Sometimes I'll come off of it feeling motivated and happy, other times I'll be crying and wondering why I'm doing this to myself. And that depends on what I'm imagining. It's after dreams like the family drama ones where I'll come off crying versus when I'm just dancing or laughing I come off feeling better.
I would be able to deal with all of this if it were just a short once a day thing. However, my MDD has gotten so bad over the past two years, that whenever I'm supposed to do something productive, like studying or doing homework, I’ll just get up and do this instead. Even if it’s not for long time periods, it’s destroyed my concentration and energy to the point where I can’t do anything anymore. I’ve been doing poorly in school because of it, and has caused so much unnecessary drama and pain in my life, to the point where I’ve developed mild anxiety because of my bad grades.
And I want to quit so badly. But the most I’ve managed is about a week without it. After almost ten years of doing it every day, it’s almost impossible for me to quit. If anyone has any tips or something that has worked for them, PLEASE share it with me, I would appreciate it so much. If anyone wants to talk, you can reach me at (954)-378-9872 :) <3
daydreamer4166 daydreamer4166
18-21
1 Response Mar 23, 2016

I honestly didn't know there was a name for this. I'm in tears right now bc Ive been doing this since I was a child. I kept thinking something was wrong with me bc I some times cant focus at all. I think the only difference between you and I is I don't have to have music. I can be doing anything and I zone out. My body would appear like I'm reading. I may or may not turn the page. Ive caught myself reading the same sentence 5x that I know of bc I'm trying to get the information but I cant bc I was in a 5, 10, or even 20min daydream. It does alter my moods too. This is crazy. I never knew this was a thing. I just thought my brain was like "this sh!t is boring" and I would just go on Vaca in my head. Sometime I can control what happens sometimes I cant. Sometimes it is a repeat of mistakes in my life or alternate ways of how I would have handled it. One of my college professors seen me zone out right in front of her while she was teaching. I don't know if it was something she said but I came back to reality with her still teaching but looking at me weird. Crazy thing is she is a psychology professor and works with the real insane people. PM this is scary.