Hopeful Cynic

I almost forgot I have complex PTSD.


are you kidding me?

why is it necessary to add the word 'complex' to my PTSD?

oh. right. that. ok. i get it.


I invited denial to sit at my table

i recently revoked that invitation

as its time to face it, have mercy

i keep denial at arms length or is it within arms reach?

the toxic people have reappeared

i find it all washing over me again

severe panic and anxiety that renders me frozen? wtf.

trying to steal my itsy bits of joy...

i wonder if this isnt what i need to face it and overcome

i kept telling myself that i need to get some help

seek counsel...just as soon as I am ready

but i realized that if i waited until i am ready that day might not soon come

so i am trying my very best to accept this as another opportunity to make it right for myself

the anger that has been kept locked deeply hidden wants out.

that kind of scares me. and if those that care for me were to see that or know the truth

it would likely suffer them very much. so, still i keep it all in. but at what cost?

surely life is a balance of good and bad.

a good thing is that i have the best boyfriend in the world. he really is and oh boy does that ever freak me out.

i cant possible have any good thing come  to me...oops...sorry, wrong part of my story...

where was i ? oh right. k.

if it werent for the current circumstances with my ex being in jail and about to lose everything all at once

(I cant stand to see a slug stealing my garden suffer) i wouldnt allow his toxic family to contact me. (they are about to get the boot again)

its odd how the one who i let do the most damage to my well being is being more considerate than his family

who have done their big share to threaten and abuse. I see where he got his mind **** thinking from. poor guy.

 I wouldnt wish his family on themselves.

i believe things happen for a reason. I believe they will get their due and feel sorry for them.

the poor bastards.

I will make it. i have thus far. i want for peace and joy.

I strive. I cope. I stomp my feet. i try to remember to breathe.

i am thankful for the blessings, thankful for the painful lessons.

and if i read this crap months ago...there is no way i would have thought i could make it for facing it.

the very thing we need is the hardest thing to do. i hate that part.

to face it and to share our story. that is frightening isn't it? it really is.

not many can handle our stuff. not many would cope half as well.

so no matter what ...please try to know that you are strong.

you  will rise above this and will be a force not to be reckoned with

love conquers all. learn to love yourself...

i am so far behind in loving myself that just the thought of loving myself or taking care of myself scares the **** out of me

those of us who have PTSD are not suffering it for pity sake

we are good people. decent kind and loving, sensitive  and compassionate.

we are to be proud of ourselves. knowing and somehow coming to terms with

the fact that god trusts us enough with this plight  (rolls eyes at god, can you imagine that?)

its hard to see how or why but there is a purpose for our suffering.

likely to teach or to help others...huff it all.

this is what i say to toxic energy vampires...

"dont make me pray for you"

and as the song GHOST DANCE  says:

you dont stand a chance against my prayers

you dont stand a chance against my love.


remember to breathe.

remember to breathe?

how messed up is that?  

i know that at times it feels like you might split wide open if you allow yourself to breathe.

i struggle with this too...even though i understand  breathe healing in- exhale toxins out

people suggest yoga and meditating, focused breathing...all intentions good.

but OMG there is now way i was going to do that. every time i attempted to relax, or

to feel I felt it  washing me far and away...dont be hard on yourself...please. it will come when you are able

another thing i need that i struggle with is feeling my feet on the ground. to feel the sensations in my body

is some pretty scary stuff. its hard to find someone to trust. dont settle for counsel  that you do not feel somewhat safe with

sure you wont feel safe with yourself  and likely dont trust yourself...so trusting anyone is a real chore.

but keep trying. we need you. we need your story.

 i feel better for having shared some of my feelings

be damned if i  go into details of story  just yet

(see how i set myself up to be damned?)  crap. that part sux. 

and i was doing so good there for a bit....its frustrating damn it.

but time and time again i strive because i got plans

 being traumatized, living in full on fright is not in my future plans.

thanks for taking the time to read this

sorry its so long... apparently not sorry enough to delete half of it  ..

hope it helps in some small way

if it doesnt now

it might later...

I can not be there for you in person

i am there with you in spirit.

we shall live again

love love love and more love....just be love.

shikoba - a hopeful cynic.

complex indeed.

shikoba shikoba
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 3, 2010

wow!<br />
<br />
so humbled and grateful for you to have shared your story shikoba :)<br />
<br />
I have ptsd too and did have complex, not sure it`s entirely left me ..O_O<br />
<br />
please take good care of you.<br />
<br />
you are right we are so very deserving of all the goodness and joy, <br />
and i have to try to learn to breathe deeply too :))