The Beginning

Three days ago I broke down in front of my boyfriend for the first time. Two years of detachment and withdrawal from myself,my friends and family. He took me to a doctor and told my story, a story I wasn't even aware that I had. Abuse, work abuse, family pressure and time constraints along with low self esteem took its toll. My mind was in a constant battle with itself, the rational side wanting help and the non-rational side seeking release from the world in every way possible. Only when I was with others was the rational side present. When I was alone the darkness would consume me and obsessions for death would control me. I was rushed to emergency and after having my story repeating four times it made it easier to speak about my problems and my past. Finally I saw the psychiatric registrar: the most helpful and caring person I've met. She wanted to admit me to the psychiatric hospital which carries a stigma of its own: crazy person house. I broke down in front of her and asked her to let me go. She decided it would be best for my health to be around the people I love rather than kept in a hospital room under 24/7 surveillance. My parents were angry at my on my return home for having a problem but they are getting better. This is the first time I feel cared about however the suicide ideation takes over when I'm alone. I want the pain to go away and I want to feel warmth and happiness once more.
EmLouise14 EmLouise14
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 9, 2012

keep searching for happiness <3