Now I know I had suffer from sleep paralysis all my life, since I was a little baby.
But it got so bad for me when I became a teen, I was so scared since I thought I could die, cause It felt like I couldn't breath during the episodes.
I tried to tell my father and he just told me, "Its only a nightmare".
So, after that kind of answer I didn't feel like sharing that to anyone, but things started to get ugly and fast.
I was barley sleeping cause I was so afraid that if I went to sleep this was gonna happen.
I had an episode at least 5 times a week!
My boyfriend at the time use to spent the nights at my house, and one night he got really scared for me.
He told me that he saw me with my eyes wide open and I was mumbling something, then he tried to wake me up, but he couldn't, and he became desperate, until he manage to wake me up, it was so hard for me to stay awake like something was pulling me back.
I told him what I was experience and the things that I saw, he told me not to worry that he would take care of me, cause he also had those experiences but for him was different, he told me that after the paralysis he felt like something was pulling him out of his body, and when he was out he could go around.
In that moment I didn't knew if he was telling me the truth or something to make me feel like I wasn't a freak.
One of the worst episodes of that time I got was at my mother's....let me tell you something about her, she is not the kind of person that would allow you to miss one day of school, even if you are sick.
That night it took me a while to fell asleep, and the vibrations came, but with so intensity I thought my head was gonna explode, and then I was paralyzed completely, I could see the door of my room wide open, but I couldn't see the hallway, it was pitch black, when I stare into that darkness, it felt like an endless void, with such agony, sorrow and pain, and I could even listen to some sort of music, then my mother came into the room, something was off, cause it didn't felt like her, then she approach me in my bed and told me, come with me now, I saw her, and I didn't even say a word, everything I said to her it was in my thoughts, and told her no, I have school tomorrow, and this thing that looked like my mother kept insisting that I should go with her
when I refuse hr face change and it grab my arm and tried to pull me, I don't know how but I woke up
It took me more than an hour to settle down.
This is when I knew that whatever was going on, it wanted to hurt me, so naturally I tried to stay awake as long as I could.
But I couldn't stay too much awake, and every time I fell asleep, the paralysis came, this kept going for many years.
sometimes it left me alone for weeks, one time even for months, but it always came back, and every time it came back was more intense than the last times.
and this shadow being kept coming back at me, I don't know how to describe him, only what it made me feel, and that was pure evil.
You see, I'm not the kind of person that gets scare easily, but this made me feel so scared for my own life, it was horrible.

So after all I end up telling my now new boyfriend, big mistake form my part, he was christian, and well, Christians what they don't understand call it evil, this guy want your normal peace loving christian he was the extreme kind of christian, so after I told him, he accuse me of being posses, cause I was evil so evil attracts evil.
Imagine how I felt, that after many years I was coming clean and asking for help, and this was my answer....
He kept insisting that I should became a christian like him; You see, in that time I was very depress, and I'm not talking feeling blue and that it, I'm talking about real depression here;
I didn't want to became a christian since it has never felt right for me, but so I did cause maybe that could help with all of this.
And something really strange (more strange) started to happen, I started to have 2 very different kind of episodes, one was very hostile and scary, and the shadow man was always there, and the other was scary cause I didn't knew what was going on, but there was this man, his face always changes but not his eyes, he has golden eyes,a and when he appear to me, his energy he felt like a friend not a foe, he started showing me things, made me remember certain things when I was a child.
Like one very vivid dream, not lucid dream, more than lucid, vivid, that I running through this abandon decay place and someone was with me helping me escape from whatever was going after me, and then I got shot in the stomach, I could feel the gunshot, I could feel I was bleeding out, I could feel I was dying, and HE was with me, this golden eye man, he was telling me not to worry, and thats how the story ended for me, he made me feel at peace, I felt I was dying, it was so real, but when I woke up, I was in my bed, and I started to cry, I was 8 years old.
Then it all came to me, the memories of this so vivid dreams, where I could feel pain, and the wind in my face, I had all my senses there, it was like I was in some other place and not dreaming.
So, when this golden eyes man came back and started making me remember, it also started showing to me certain symbols that looked like letters, felt like letters, but they weren't per say letters.
He and the shadow man came so often almost every single day after I "became christian"
When the shadow man came at me, I was told to tell him that jesus christ was with me and couldn't hurt me.
woke the first couple of times.
But, you see, after I accepted christianity I felt into a deep hole in my life, I felt alone and guilty, like if I was betraying who I was.
I started to draw this symbols this golden man showed me, and a friend of my mother, this woman was a wiccan, and when she saw them told me with a smile on her face, Oh you like the viking runes.
I was n shock cause I didn't even knew what the runes where.
So me being me I started to look into what the viking runes where, and for my surprise the runes where the symbols I was shown, and the more I read about it the more it felt so right for me.
Later on I was given my coincidence if you may a Mjolnir, Thor's hammer, a symbol used n the old viking world as a symbol of protection, I was wearing it.
and that night the vibrations came, but they came with such intensity, they hurt so badly I remember I tried to scream cause of the pain
And when I open my eyes, he was there, this shadow man with red eyes, it felt like pure evil, he was standing next to my bed, so in my mind I started to cry for jesus christ, and this thing started to laugh at me, I was perplex I couldn't understand why it wasn't working, why this thing now is laughing at me, and wont go away.
and then he spoke, he said laughing "You don't know who you are calling" so in my mind I call Christ again, and then he said "You dont know who he is and yet you call him, He is my master my creator, and you are coming with me", I freaked out so badly but then something happen that has never happen before or after, my right hand felt loose, I could move my hand and something made me think about Thor's hammer, so I grab it, and I realize I could speak, so I scream at this thing, Thor is with me, he protects me, go away, and this shadow became so angry at me I could feel his anger, but it did go away, I couldn't wake up, and something told me, just breathe and relax....So I woke up
My hand was holding with such force that Hammer that I had it marked in my hand.
After that crazy episode I started reading and learning more about this Norse Gods that came to aid me.
After that I kept having this very vivid dreams, but now they where with this golden eye man, he has show me so much, He even took me to see my death grandma and aunt, at first of course I thought they where just crazy dreams, but one time talking to my grandmother she told me something about my father's childhood, I couldn't possibly knew that, I ask my father and he look at me like I was bad **** crazy, but then he confirmed the story, and ask me how I knew it I laugh and told him, well your mother told me
After that I became really close to my mother, since she knew about all of this crazy things, she introduce me to many different people with many different abilities if you may say, they explain me that those where not dreams, or my imagination, that the man I describe he is my guide and I should follow what he show me.
After that I became a heathen an Asatru, it felt like I was finally walking my path, after that I met this people that are like me and I haven't fell so hole and complete.
When I told my boyfriend he called me crazy and posses he hated me after that, then he started a campaign to turn me back into Christianity, he even drag me down to this christian church to try to convince me but I never did.
After a few years being a follower of the old Norse gods, I came across many stories on how many people had come into paganism, and every single one of them talked about a calling, someone in their dreams or something called them into all of this, it was like Oden himself was calling his children, but there was one thing, all of those people share Nordic blood, their ancestors where vikings, I didn't knew much about my family tree, until I started researching it, I came to realize that my ancestors where also vikings....
I haven't had another episode with the shadow man, nor my episode are scary anymore.
But this is my story, in this craziness I found my way, I had come to realize that sleep paralysis is something out of this material world, all of us that has experience this, we feel alone and miss comprehended, cause trust me I get the fear, the desperation, till this day Em afraid of going to sleep, even though that I hadn't have a bad experience in a while, I know one of this days I will, I had gone through hell and back cause of this "sleep paralysis", I get it, I have suffer so much cause of this, and today people are more open to this, and its more known than before, and having to go through all of this alone is hell.
Last night I was falling asleep, and you all know that its coming, you just feel it, I keep a bottle of whisky behind my bed and a bag of weed hidden in my closet, but trust me, none of those tricks work, I manage to stay awake through the night, I don't know if I even dare to sleep to night.
This shadow people we all have met, they feed on fear, that's why they are the way the are, we shouldn't fear them, we shouldn't feed them, its more easy to say than done, but maybe something wants us to conquer our fears, cause f we manage to pass through that, there is another world, the spiritual world, where it is rule by emotions, it can be beautiful or terrifying, but we need to confront our fears and fight them back, or else they will get us.
I want to say that you all can write to me, and I will try to help you all in the best way I can.
I'm here if you need me, no matter what, know this, you are not alone.
With love
Fenrii
Ravenskull88 Ravenskull88
26-30, F
Nov 7, 2015