From A Whisper To A Scream... The Silence Is Deafening

I wake another day, exhausted by another sleepless night, a sound, a noise, a blast, jolts a memory to the surface, I panic, I’m anxious, I am distressed. I check myself, push the feelings down, repress them, I remind myself I'm safe.

The smell of pine disinfectant stirs a fear, a dread, a terror, I’m fearful. I catch myself, ram down my feelings, repress them, remind myself again I'm safe.

A cry, a scream, a shriek, I’m anxious, I’m frightened, I’m alarmed and upset. I fortify myself, suppress the turmoil, steady the confusion, contain the uncertainty again remind myself I'm safe.

Happy smiling children playing with joyful, cheerful parents upset and unsettle me, stirring within me emotions, extraordinary sensations deeply buried, of wanting, a longing, a need to feel loved, an unrequited love from hard to please parents.

Another day over, another day traversed, another day negotiated, I return afraid to my bed, uneasy of what sleep will bring yet wanting, needing to sleep. Wanting to sleep, needing to rest, wanting the fatigue of the day readying for tomorrow.
badbear69 badbear69
51-55, M
9 Responses Aug 7, 2010

Again thank you - I have to remind myself that people can be kind too :)

I am thankful to God! though days are tough but in night most of time I get soundless sleep. I know, how one feel and undergo after so many sleepless nights day after day, year after year. I just forget to be yourself. I really appreciate your strength and look forward hopefully in life. I will pray for you for sure.<br />
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lv,<br />

Damnn you captured my life exactally, just in a more poetic way.

Thank you all for your kindness, things I know can and will get better.

hey i think i have a solution to it which will help u permanently listen it happens to me too so i found a path of my own at nights i carry a photo of my god while sleeping i love and trust god whenever pain comes i held it tight and i feel i m with god i m protected by my god,u can do this too and listen to nice music share u r pain here tell what u faced and go for a trip in beautiful places all sad will end...if require help message me or come at i will help u i m sure i will be helpful to u as same pain facing.....k take care keep faith in god.....

I remember when I used to live on the very edge of anxiety and I hated it. It's gotten a wee bit better over the years but sometimes I will spiral back down the rabbit hole <br />
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But to have to live with this for 50 years? I can't imagine and I am so sorry for your pain...but can I tell you something?<br />
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The fact that you're still able to breathe, still able to live, still able to think and right that only shows how strong your are. 50 years you've been able to still survive and not cave in to your worst demons. That takes a lot of strength, and I hope you realize just how strong you really. <br />
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I think Karen said it best. Change can happen - it can be done.

I know what you mean, it's really, really hard not to let current events dictate your thought process, but if you don't limit those thoughts they will attract more of the same. I know, it's easier said than done, but still, it CAN be done.

Thank you for you kindness, I do what I can to mange my feelings, I had hoped that after 50 years that things would have got better, but events in my life have stirred things up once again. I will and shall emerge a stronger person.

Man, that's awful. All I can say is what I'd do if it were me going through those feelings everyday. I'd count on the law of attraction to change things for me and I'd start listening to music that makes me feel happy, I'd watch funny movies, find funny things on YouTube, daydream up plans for what I want my life to be like now, use self hypnosis to change my thinking patterns, etc... whatever it takes until I put out a happier vibe to attract more happiness. Bless your heart, I hope you're able to turn those sad feelings off and flood your mind with peace and joy instead. Good luck.