Just How I Feel.

Today is a bad day. I'm on two different types of antidepressants. I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin (I might have messed the spelling up). I have Xanax for anxiety. I take my meds as prescribed. Xanax is on a as needed basis and I'm careful to only take it when I absolutely need it. I feel like I'm over ******* medicated. Excuse my language.

Lately this is what's been going on. I broke up with a guy that I love because I felt like I couldn't handle his pessemism and attitude. And he could be really difficult to deal with. So after fighting with him all night long and him saying all kinds of mean and nasty things to me I just stopped. I thought that it would be better for me to stop arguing than to risk saying things that I didn't mean. He kept going, I stopped. I was already feeling some kind of way about the whole argument and the things he said to me. My depression was already bad. The next whole day I spent trying to pray and ask God to help me to focus on what I need to focus on and to get the whole scenario out of my head. I even tried to talk about it with a friend or two. It just wasn't helping. I felt like no one understood my feelings or understands me.

The next day I got a phone call on my cell that went to voicemail. It was one of my best friends calling me to tell me her father was at the hospital that I work at and he was dying and had told the medical staff that he didn't want any treatment, he didnt want to be resuscitated. She was panicked. I'm good under pressure, I was able to stay calm and get to work and go right up to see her and her father.

I can't explain the feeling of watching someone die AND feeling their physical pain as well as everyone else's emotional pain in the room. I couldn't walk, I couldn't move. It was hard to breathe. The nurse came in and asked him if he was in pain; he couldn't answer. I wanted to yell YES HE IS! I wanted to tell them that I can feel other ppl's physical and emotional pains. I wanted to tell her to give him the liquid morphine so that he could stop struggling. But, how do you explain to people that you can feel things like that? How do you explain to people that you can sense things that they can't? Sometimes that gift is overwhelming, although it has helped me in my medical career and my personal life in helping people deal with physical and emotional pain...it's hard. And when it's on a personal level like it was yesterday it's harder.

I left my friend and her family to go back to work and went back to her father's room on my break. And when I got there the pain was overwhelming. I had to lean on the wall for support. And then it stopped. He died. I can't explain the feeling of watching someone die. I can't explain it. And I also have the feeling of I could have helped and I hate myself because I know I could have helped BUT I also know that it was his wishes to not be resuscitated.

All of these feelings from her father dying and my own personal drama are just overwhelming. I can't distinguish my feelings. I can't think of anything. I already have struggled with self hatred and I'm just hating myself right now.

I don't feel like I help anyone. I don't feel of any value. I don't feel like I helped my exboyfriend in his life. I don't feel like I can help anyone. I don't feel like I can help myself.

I feel like I just want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up. Or I feel like when I go to work tonight I want a car to hit me and kill me instantly. Or I feel like when I go to work tonight if I hit the accelerator and hit a tree or a telephone pole, that could be the end of it all.
Miluna Miluna
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

I can understand some of what you are going through and would like to help in any way I can. I hope you realize that you are a very special person in my life even if we arent in a relationship I still want the best for you and will always be there for you. Also as far as you feeling helpless that is the farthest thing from the truth. You are the most helpful person I know. Ever since I met you those years back I have know this to be a fact and have always respected you for it and have been on the recieveing end of your kindness and generosity on a few occasions. Death is never a easy time for anyone and i know when i was in the hospital room with my grandmother before she passed away I felt the most helplessness i have ever felt before in my life watching her sleep and thinking the last breath she just took would be her very last and then watching her take another breath and thanking god she wasnt gone yet but then in the same thought thinking atleast she wont be in pain anymore and to this day whenever i think about being in the room with her a day before she passed from this world i cant help but think how helpless a feeling you can get from watching someone you know or love pass away it is never a easy thing for anyone to witness first hand. I have told you before that i believe in your abilitys to feel emotions and pain from other people. I cant imagine what that brings into a situation like that but i know how much it hurt you to be there when he passed away but you did do everything in your power you could do, you were there for your friend when she needed someone just like you were today. There are many small ways in the last few days that I know you felt helpless but you never were to the ppl you were helping even if you were just there that was helping her probally more than you think. These last few days I know that I have been busy with work but you have always been in my thoughts and prayers so remember I am here if you need or want to talk and also never forget there is one person in this world that will always need you so if you ever start thinking that your helpless or not feeling wanted or needed just remember that one person and think what it would mean if that car did pull out or if you stepped on that accelerator when you shouldnt. Please never forget beside that one special person I am talking about there is me aswell that truly does care for you and would never be the same if something were to happen to you. <br />
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With Love,<br />