Lacking In Sleep.

I hardly sleep anymore it seems. Maybe it's the overwhelming sense of stress that has been on my shoulders for the past few months. Maybe it's just a forced habit during the summer time from high school.

Either way, I am laying here thinking of all of the if's in my life. Like 'What if I never find a lover who sees me and not my mask?' or 'What if I never walked into my cousins room that day and stumble onto a long five year sentence of suffering?'

I think about my grandma's, who are both decesed as well as my questions. I think of the cancer that aborbed and destroyed them both. I think of my grandpa that my dad discovered dead when he was only ten; And I think about the man who raped and beat my mom until she ran from home at the age of seventeen and how I call that man grandfather.

I think of the possibility of acquiring night vision and growing deep brown wings from my back; joining the pack of owls that lay sleeping in a blanket of trees behind my house to get away from the word lazy.

I don't think I'm lazy. I do enjoy sitting down and playing video games for long periods of time but when it comes down to it, I love to satisfy others. Meaning, I love to do anything for the sake of others happiness.

I think of the if, 'What if the man I marry and fall in love with has none of my morals?' This scares me more then the spiders creeping above my head, waiting for their meal to fly by. Mainly because I have choosen to avoid anything I consider illegal to the body and have kept my legs closed tight. My mother was that way but she married a man of little to no moral senses who was married seven times before her.

I don't want to be what my mother was.

I hope sleep comes to me soon, or my eyes will go bad from staring at a white computer screen in the pitch blackness of the country I live in. It's an interesting trip though, to see everything that is and couldn't be. It's the only thing good that comes out of my restless nights.
krunkenstein krunkenstein
Aug 4, 2010