Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
3 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Well, sweetheart, few things in this life are certain. One thing that is certain, however, is if your ex-wife walked out on her daughter, it's her failing not yours.

There are plenty of women in this world who have been denied the joy of childbirth. You have that in common with other women.

Another certainty is that it is always harder finding someone to love you until you learn to love yourself. Easy to say, hard to do. Try to not be hard on others who don't quite understand you until you understand yourself. Until then, find joy where it is and worry less where it's not.

easier said than done but I am trying.

Hi Rose. Thank you for such a heart felt story. It is indeed a difficult road, and for those of us who are transgendered in some way, there are many different paths one can travel. Take heart, as I believe there is someone out there for you, who will love you for who you are.

Thank you, This site has been such a plus in my life with so many kind people.

No easy answers are there. You have to live your life as what is comfortable to you whether it's as a male, female or in between. Many of us here struggle with our sexuality and it's a very supportive group. However that's all it is. You ultimately have to make your own decisions. Life is not easy. It's a struggle most of the time. There is always a problem to solve in some way shape or form. Accept what you can't change. I have a panty fetish and am attracted to transsexuals. If I throw my panties away am I cured? No that doesn't work. I also can't change who I'm attracted to either. I love being a sissy but others think that is perverted. I have children that don't know this. It would break there hearts. So I don't force it upon them. Maybe you're alone now but that doesn't mean it will be forever. Heck we are all alone to some degree or another. Most of the time I like the solitude. Sadly going through life, I've found many people are full of ****!!! I try my best to stay away from them. Hell often times, I find my dog to be more trustworthy than people. However I haven't given up on people. I'm just very selective. You'll find your way. The problem is "your way" or "my way" or anyone's way is changing all the time. It's the life we have and are karma if you will. Have a cold one and enjoy the ride!!!! A little hint for you in regards to problems that I've found helps. Tackle the biggest ones first. Don't let them fester. Be good my friend and don't be so hard on yourself. When my time comes, I won't have many mourn me. I just hope to leave this place just a little bit better than it was. Like cleaning up after you go camping. Leave it a little cleaner than you found it my friend!!! Good Luck!!!

I write to release stress. It is very relieving to be able to write out your feeling and find the issues you need to deal with.

That's a good thing. If you ever need a friend don't be shy. I saw your prerequisite list to being a friend. Maybe we can be friends if you like.