Long Post. Bah!

I think I've been suppressing anger all my life. It always made me feel bad to express it. I would feel terribly guilty if I hurt anyone.

My mom got sick with cancer when I was a little and died when I was 13. My sister was depressed at the time and finally commited suicide, - a few years after that my dad did the same thing.

I feel I've never dealt with the grief and anger I felt all those years. I fell into depression after my dad died and after that I just felt numb. I could talk about what happened as though I was talking about what I was having for dinner. I was a ghost.

Now I've moved from my homecountry to be with my fiance in the United States. And it's like I'm waking up from a deep sleep. Now I cry because I want to learn to knit and my mom isn't here to teach me. The simplest memory of them makes me feel sad, alone, angry.

My whole situation here makes me angry. I love my fiance very much, but it's so hard being here! I miss home, and I miss my family. I hate the heat here, it makes me feel horrible and sick. I hate the stupid cars making so much noise, and the constant rush, and the annoying people always playing rap outside. I wish I had a garden that I could work in. I wish there was peace and quiet like I grew up with. I wish it rained more, and that the buildings didn't look like big boring boxes! I wish it was easier to get around without having a car! I wish I had friends here.

I want to stay to be with him, and it feels right to be here. 

I get so scared taking public transportation on my own. I get get scared walking alone because men are too "friendly" here, and I'm not used to it. I'm used to feeling safe! I get angry at myself for not doing more, for not forcing myself to make friends and take public transportation. I want to feel peace and rest.

I got sick. Now I can't go anywhere because I feel too weak. I think stress did it, and perhaps the change of climate. 

I've felt like a bad person so much, I've felt guilty like everything is my fault. I must have done something terrible to have my family taken away from me. Why didn't I die?? I feel the divine is out to punish me, and yet at the same time I feel strangely protected. I'm scared that everything in my life will be painful. I feel constantly on guard. What's going to hit me next?

I want to rest. I just want to rest and enjoy things again. I don't want any more pressure on me. No more "you should do this, you should do that". Even the smallest thing is hard to do right now. Can't I be allowed to deal with this grief. Do I HAVE to move on just yet?

 

 

Windance Windance
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 2, 2007

ok, the best thing u did not commit suicide! Lol!