I Have Survived A Past From Hell

 I have survived a past from hell...as anyone has probably have, we all come from a pst from hell at one point in our lives, it varies from person to person, but at some point we do.......

 I come from a very nasty past, my father was a very evil man, if the devil him self could walk the earth, it would be him. He was beyond abusive, to me, my brother's and sister (10 of us all together) and my Mother (rest her soul). He would teach us how not to be "whiney" children as he put it, told us time and time again that he did not want "weak" children...so he would drone into us that feelings and emotions are a weakness, if he cought us crying or what ever kids do, displaying emtions, he would beat us, he would totally brain wash us in that in all aspects. He would beat our mother infront of us all, one day my brother and I stepped out of the line he had us in to defend her, and he kicked the living hell out of us, and said that if anyone ever did it again, it would be worse. He did all sorts of beatings for all sorts of his dumb *** reasons..........

:/ By the time we hit teenagers, we were so cold, and hard, there was no emtions to speak of in us, could not feel a thing, we were dead inside. few of my brothers did not deal with it well and ended up in either jail or psychiatric units, My mother lost her self in booze and drugs, it was sad. Then he turned on me and sister and repeatedly raped us..he was one sick mother!!

 I fianlly left home and fled, my sister to, as well as everyone else, my brothers, I do not even know where any of them are to this day. My sister and I keep contact now and then. But there is such a wall between us, we are close but we are distant kind of thing. The day I took my father on was a great day. My mom finally managed to leave my father and have a life with another man, but she was so broken down, poor health, dieing, we rebonded, and forgave on her part, I knew where she was coming from, and it was not her fault what happened between us. She ended up in the hospital, finally dieing of congested heart failure, my father actually had the balls to try and come and see her, I stepped infront of him and would not let him enter the hospital ( he is a short pile of crap!), I told him flat out if he passes by me, I will kill him on the spot, and he knew I meant it, so he left, the day finally came when my mother passed, (two years ago) we did a  wake for her, and again, he had the balls to try and come to funeral home, I again stood infront of him and would not let him pass, my sister stood a bit behind me, afraid, I was not afraind, I was full of rage, anger and hell of a lot of hate, and again, I threatened him, pass me and you will know what comes of you, and told him off about what he did and all that crap....I told him I was no longer scared of him. I have not spoken to him in 15 years or so.

He lives in the same town as my sister, she speaks to him time to time, but I refuse, I do not want his crap in my life. She tells me he has alzhiemers...I told her good, he deserves it for all the **** he did to us, and our mother, his day waits.

I went through many years of therapy to get rid of that anger and hate, pain. It took so long, alot of opening up and letting the pain out. The worst was, I never ever trusted anyone, never let anyone in, had one hell of a time showing healthy emotions and learning that they were okay to show, and they were not a weakness, basically had to undo all the crap that my father did to me. It ruined so many relationships I had, friendships and personal relationships, but I struggled throught it.........

I now have a great relationship with a great, awesome man, who has been so patient with me, I trust and feel now, it is a whole new freedom, I will not let my past ruin my life, I will keep the darkness away!! 

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5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

Can we talk

ya here also. life is no where easy honey. its here also as difficult as is there. well my warm wishes are with u. i m from delhi India, In case u need any possible help from me any time just feel free to contact.

I hope you have a great Christmas

Yep, it's a 180degree turn in thinking, the way we see the world has to change, when that happens, we change the way we interact with the world, from darkness to light. It's gaining control of ourselves, choosing our own reactions, gaining the capability to love with determination. Thank you for sharing this story, you touched my heart today.

Definitely, so true.

My goodness! While I am very sorry that you had to go through that, you are very strong and couragous woman! I admire those who decide to overcome their past for a brighter future. Therapy helps a lot, I wish that others could see the long lasting benefits of introspection and philosophy.