Wish I Had Been Stronger

I was 19 when I was raped. I had been seeing this guy for months, and if asked I would have said he was a good-hearted person. Maybe a little immature, as some 21 year old men can be, but he wasn't a cruel person.

I knew it was frustrating for him to only get so far with me and have to stop, and he was always pressuring me, trying to push me. I just wasn't ready. I was a virgin, and I wasn't convinced that I wanted my first time to be with him. I wasn't head over heels for him, and I wanted to be deeply in love my first time.

It happened so quickly. We were making out like always, and then he was ripping my underwear off and I was saying no, and he was on top of me, and it happened. I was screaming and crying but it was as if he didn't hear, like I wasn't even there. Afterward he cleaned me up and was acting like he was proud, like I wanted it and he did a good job. I was numb and didn't say much. He drove me home and I cried for hours, showered until the water turned cold.

I never reported it. I convinced myself that it was my fault for always making out with him when I wasn't planning on delivering. I'm 26 now, happily married, I've coped. But I have that regret. I should have spoken up. No matter how happy I am, there's always that part of me that knows I am a coward.

I wish I were stronger.
Esotericgirl Esotericgirl
26-30, F
17 Responses Jul 17, 2010

You are not a coward. If my friends hadn't noticed that something was wrong then I might not have told anyone.

It was my first time also and I had all that confusion and questions like "Did that really happen?", "Why did I let that happen?" and "Maybe it's meant to be like that?". I self-doubted so much that for ages I just pretended that it didn't happen.

You have managed to build a happy relationship for yourself and trust another man, despite what happened. That tells me that you ARE brave.

Thank you for sharing, if you managed to get your life back, that means there's hope for me too!

It's just my opinion, but people forgive each other. If that happened to my best friend or my sister, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that it wasn't her fault that he did that, and that I understood why she didn't report it. And, I do. I never would've reported mine if other people hadn't been around to see me cry.

The hardest thing for most people to do is to forgive ourselves. We've all made mistakes (or what we deem as mistakes) in our past and will continue to do so in the future. It's important to realize that it's okay. It's part of being human. You're going to be ashamed when someone does something so terrible to you, and you won't want anyone to know about it because they'll think you asked for it and really, you can't handle someone else doing that.

You're not a coward, you're just human. And, you're doing what so many other victims do, because somehow in our advanced society, it's still the victim's fault. If you haven't considered it before, maybe you should think about volunteering to counsel rape victims. Sometimes just telling someone who you know understands helps. :)

Bless you. Know you are loved so much. I have also been through this and while I don't have all the answers, I know exactly what you went through: it was not your fault, and ultimately forgiving yourself and forgiving him is the way to a beautiful peace of mind. It is not easy and I am not there myself yet. I find that forgiving is an action rather than a thing: i.e. it is a constant thing, and I am certainly still working on strengtheining my forgiveness, but the days I've had where I was able to totally forgive him, I had the most beautiful free peace of mind,and love for myself, because it also abled me to forgive myself. Know it wasnt your fault,and love and light to you.

It's tough and I hope you talk to somebody about it. He needs to be justifiable tried for sexual assault. http://missisaugacriminallawfirm.ca

I'm still with you, Esoteric Girl. You are not alone with this. That creature was wrong in what he did. If you want to talk more I can give you my private email. Mike

You still can report it. I heard on the radio the other day about a women who was in her forties now reporting about sexual assault against her back when she was ten. The guy is locked up now! The law doesn't take rape lightly, and neither should anyone really!

That's very kind of you, thank you.

You are strong and never think differently.

Good. You should never feel alone in this. At some point, hopefully, it'll become something that happened to you (and without question something that changed you in some ways) but not something that defines you.

It feels great to vent and hear the kind words of others. Makes me feel less ashamed, less like a pariah. Thank you, it means a lot to me.

You have our support and we are here for you.

Thanks to you both for the votes of confidence and your kind words. I will definitely try what you suggested, citystargazer. ((hug back)) and a merciless tickle to you ticklishsoles.

You are strong. You are living your life, and not letting what happened destroy you. You chose to do something that helps others, looks like, and that's powerful - it's as though, even if you can't confront the person who did this terrible thing to you, you're still fighting back.<br />
No woman deserves to be raped. It doesn't matter what we wear, what we say, what we do; sure, some choices are wiser or safer than others, but no one is ever "asking for it." You are not the guilty party, no matter what you wish you'd done differently. You would never hold another person responsible for being victimized. It was never your fault.<br />
Too many of us have been through this, and I can't claim to have a perfect solution. All I can say is, writing helped me, and not just writing what happened. Write the guy a letter or letters and don't censor yourself (it's not like you're sending it). Write to yourself back then and say whatever you need to say, be it comfort or criticism. Write out a stream of consciousness when you're mired in the guilt cycle. For me, it was sort of a symbolic cleansing process. Once the words were out of me and on paper (or my computer), I could start to get the feelings out into the open and then out of my system. It was easier than talking about it, and it certainly brought some clarity. <br />
That's not a replacement for counseling or outside support, but it helped. <br />
You're stronger for having survived a personal hell, and then having the courage to move forward, get married, and live your life. And you're not alone in what you've been through. (( )) (That's a hug.)

if you want more privacy I am leathercuffedandtickled at Y dot Com

Please let me be your strength. As a police officer (now retired) I've helped many people through this horrible event. There is nothing as terrible as taking another against their will. Your demons are still mired in guilt and I evidence that with the title of your passage, "Wish I Had Been Stronger." At some point we all have moments that we consider weak. It may even be remorse for having been out of conrol for the moment but it still lingers in the recesses of your mind. I beg of you to speak to a counselor -- even at the hospital -- but learn to know that you are progressing and managing this event properly.

If a rape victim came into the ER, we'd urge her(or him) to seek counseling. Part of my job is to give them the literature, make sure they understand, point out some numbers they can call, and with my whole heart I always hope they do. Face their demons and heal as quickly as they can so they don't go through life believing themselves to be weak. Like I do. The funny thing is, I'm hypochrite. I'll sit next to them, hold their hand if they let me, assure them that they can rise above and be strong...but I don't believe that I can do it myself.

Do you have any idea how much courage, how much strength it took you to take this GIANT step? You were taken against your will and it still haunts you today. The truth is, it will be with you forever but it's how you manage the stress associated with it that will see you through. Just from the very little I know of you, I believe you to be in the medical field. You have dozens of resources at your very fingertips to which you can turn.<br />
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I know this to be true. I am a shooting survivor. It happened in 1979. I kept my pain quite and today -- well, you've seen what has happened to me. Take control of this issue and see a counselor. I wish that I had done that. It might have reduced the nightmares, the shakes and the reactions I have to loud, sharp noises. <br />
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You can do this. You are worth it. Your child is worth it.