13 Year Old Molestation Victim

As a child, I never had much of an interest in other children or sex. As they were exploring their physical differences, I sat off to the side- awkward and uncomfortable. I had little interest in anything they did, but less interest in the television or what my parents did, so I did play outside.

When I was thirteen, I was on a mission trip with my church at the time. An older boy had taken a liking to me and I, not used to the attention, rather liked it. Half way through the trip, he sexually assaulted me. At first, I didn't react. I was stoic and mechanical, more than my usual personality, and dealt with the hospital and the police. Things got worse after I'd gotten home. I was hyper aware of how close men were to me, and I didn't like being looked at. Between that and a nasty medication, I gained a lot of weight (and I haven't recovered from THAT!). No one looked at me anymore, and I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to escape memories and feeling so afraid all the time. I just wanted to be unseen and gone.

When I contemplated killing myself, what stopped me was the affect on others. What if a child found my body? They'd be scarred for life and it was just my life that was ruined now, why inflict more pain just to end my own? My mother would be devastated, and so would the rest of my family that cared about me.

My rational, INTJ mind won out, given enough time. Not all men wanted to do me harm; as a matter of fact, most of them didn't. It wasn't logical to think that ALL men would do that. Not all men were bad.

Eventually I began to enjoy being noticed by men, though with a mind naturally geared towards facts and not flirtations or relationships, forming anything meaningful has been...challenging, to say the least.

Now, thirteen years ago, I struggle to find a relationship- a love, an equal, in my life. As a teenager, I never thought I'd want anything from a male. I wouldn't want sex, children, or attention.

As an adult now, I understand that what happened to me was terrible. It had a profound affect on my life, it broke me. It shattered me into so many small pieces. One was my dignity, another my self respect, my ability to love others and myself, my identity as a girl and a woman. There were so many little pieces, but it was entirely up to me what happened to them.

My body is a crucible. I gathered myself up, and my determination to make this MY life was the fire. The fire has cooled, and the end result is simple:

I am reborn, stronger than before.

I'm sharing this story in the hopes that someone who has had a traumatic event might get something from it. Bad things happen in our lives, things that tear us to the foundation of who we are and break us apart. There's no way around that, but it's your life. Instead of being broken, use the pain to be something better than you were before.
Sarabella1986 Sarabella1986
26-30, F
Jan 12, 2013