Emotional Abuse

Although I'm on the other side of the world now from all the things that happened to me when I was a kid, I still can't escape my past.  I'm still stuck thinking the same thoughts, and trying to forget the same memories.  But then of course, nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.   I wish I could forget..

I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood... it's all a big blank, with a few memories here, and a few memories a couple years later there. 

 When I was 16 I was talking to a friend about something trivial, when I just out of nowhere remembered a time when I was 5 years old, that I had thought of in 11 years (that's a long time for a 16 year old!)  I was playing in my little inflatible pool splashing like any child does.  My mother was next to the pool trying to tan.  She kept yelling at me to stop splashing her.  So I would for a few minutes, but then I'd forget and start playing again.  The third time She got up and threatened to "beat me" (spanking). 

So I figured, 'hmm...she doesn't want to get wet, if I stay in the middle of the pool I'm safe!' Well that made my mother very angry, and... I can't believe my own memory.. I can't believe that she would have actually done such a thing to me, but I remember her grabbing me by the hair and forcing my head underwater...and trying to breathe... I don't remember what happened after that. 

But I remember a week later telling my father what had happened, and he did what he always did, devalued whatever I had to say, "oh sweetie, your mother would never do that"  So I forgot about it.  It really makes me nervous about what else I may have forgotten. 

For a long time in my teenage years, I hated being touched, hated anything having to do with the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, made me sick.  I've worked through that now, but I can't help but wonder, if maybe I was abused more than I thought...
Lucid Lucid
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 5, 2007

Ah thanks Sunnykris,<br />
Now looking back I'm well aware of my mother's faults, back then of course I thougt it was me, that I was bad, and broken, and wished for nothing more in the world then to be a good daughter, be good so my mom would love me. I know better now, I know that there is nothing wrong with me, and I've long since forgiven my mother for her problems.

That's a rough one, hon. One huge thing we survivors all need to realize and understand is that we didn't do anything to deserve what we got. ALL 5-year-olds splash, and enjoy getting Mommy wet. It was your mom who was in the wrong right then, not you.<br />
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Be well, my friend.