Just Waiting For The Hurt To Stop...

He was my first real boyfriend. We started dating my senior year of high school. Two weeks in I got my acceptance letter to a School in FL. From the very beginning I had let him know that there was nothing for me in VA as I wanted to study marine biology. He told me he always wanted to go to FL anyway. Three years into our long distance relationship (he stayed in VA for school) he proposed to me. I wrongly assumed that a proposal meant that you wanted to marry the person. However, now that our relationship need a few weeks ago I learned that his proposal was made in hope that I would change. He said that he broke it off because he didn't love me anymore. That was all the information I got. His friends got a little more, he told them that I treated him badly, that I was selfish, that his dreams angered me, that i never let him go out, and that he wouldn't be happy with me. I was shocked at a lot of those things because I never cared that he went out (only that he would lie to me about it). His dreams never angered me, his constant changing of what he wanted to do and where he wanted to do it frustrated me and made me feel insecure. As for the selfish, I took that to mean my refusal to go anywhere that I would not be able to have a career (i.e.  not move to his landlocked home country). We have had issues in the past that included him lying and flirting with other girls, but I just loved him so much that I forgave him, but he had a hard time accepting that when someone is hurt like that it takes awhile to regain their trust. He mistook some of that for my "treating him badly". So, despite him saying he loved me and he couldn't live with out me only days prior, I got a text from him simply stating that he didn't love me anymore. And like that, my word was shattered. Not only did I have the stress of my exams, but I was far away from home and going through the worst pain  have ever experienced. He was doing just fine with this new girl he started talking to the day after we broke up (at least that's when I noticed they were talking). Before I would dream about us getting back together, about me doing whatever he wanted just to have him happy and with me, but seeing how quickly he moved on made me feel like he didn't care for me the way I wanted to be cared for. He told people he hadn't loved me for months, but I was unaware of this because he constantly told me he did. I see now that we probably wouldn't have been happy together because I want to do so many things and he is content staying in one place forever, but that doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed at all my broken hopes and dreams with him. I wish I knew what he did to get per me so fast so I could do it too, and part of me wants him to realize how wrong he was to do it the way he did. It's hard because I have to change all my habits; I can't text him or call him to say good night like I always did. I'm home on summer break and I can't spend every day with him. I have to stop thinking of him every moment like I used to. I have to accept that i was always willing to give him another chance, but he decided one day to give up and not even examine all options, or even TALK with me about it.  I'm still going on with my plans to get my Ph.D, but I'm not as excited as I was since I'll be going at it alone instead of with my first love. Sorry for my rambling, I just wanted to share my story with people who would understand and perhaps have some encouragement to share. It's only been about two weeks and i'm already tired of crying and feeling angry/hurt over someone who didn't' think I deserved a full face-to-face explanation and could so easily move on.
gwsharkgrl gwsharkgrl
18-21, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

My dear sisters, I am so glad that I ran through you guys posts. Thank you for sharing your personal life stories and also thanks for the words of encouragement. It's funny because I was just finish crying about how things end between me and my ex-fiance. I just think about how much fun we had together. I think about the good and the bad and reminiscing in hoping that he will change his mind and willing to work it out. However, God works in amazing ways to even give me the strength to not be scared to seek out help from people like you two. I realized that I am devaluing myself over a man that never ever loved me. I know that people go through rough patches in their lives but never even though that it could be this easier for someone to just completely say its not working after years of dating. Reading through ya'll stories gave me courage and strength that God is working wonderful things ahead of us. We can do this. This is just the beginning of the many blessings that the Lord is ready to pour on us. I'm just glad that he did me a great favor and be honest now than later. Thank you thank you thank you. You both are a great inspirational while I'm walking through this rocky path. May God be with both of you and reach out to heal both of your hearts and guide you both to His best that He created for just you both.Don't give up hope. Have faith and know that this too will pass. Be strong ladies, we are in this together.

God bless you as well. He gives and He takes away, but a passage that I find myself thinking of a lot through out the day is: For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17). It seems like it'll take forever to get to a point where this pain isn't ruling our thoughts, but the people who have come back to post after their break up have really promising things to say. Not to mention all the happily married couples who say that they had their heart broken a couple of times before they met their now husband/wife. It's nice to know there are other people who have gone and are going through the same thing and can still find encouragement <3

LADIES AND GENTS, it has been over a year!! Let me tell you something, my life has done a complete 180!! A few months of writing this, guess who decided he had made a big mistake and wanted to come back?? Right, him. I was stupid enough to think maybe those months without me had taught him a lesson in valuing me and together we could work out our issues. WRONG!! After a bit I could see he wasn\'t really trying and he had already begun to treat me differently. He just expected that I would always be there no matter what crap he pulled. He was seriously mistaken. I had suffered through what felt like death, and I wasn\'t going to let him make me even more miserable by slowly crushing any hope I had left. So, after one particular argument when a whole bunch of lies he told me came out i realized i was disgusted with him. What was the point of being with him when what I wanted, what I had loved, was gone?? He wasn\'t the man I had thought he was. This time it was me who said enough. It was hard, but not nearly as bad as the first time. This time, I was ready and I knew my reasons. The memories were what got me because I couldn\'t understand how we went from my idea of \"perfect\" to what I left. But, it was my last semester in college and I had bigger issues to worry about. I focused all my time and energy on myself and getting through that last hurdle, and wouldn\'t you know it, a friend of mine from my second year in college slowly made his way deeper and deeper into my heart. Neither one of us had wanted a relationship or feeling (I was still in that whole \"men are jerks and love is a lie!\" phase), but things happened. I was starting to think about my ex less and less. and YET AGAIN the man calls me up from a different number and responds with \"I\'m ready give up everything and be with you now.\" Man did that anger me. I was thinking to myself, \'oh, you\'re ready NOW?? Almost 4 years together and THAT didn\'t get you ready?\'. According to him, he had realized what an amazing person I was and how nobody could ever love him like me (duh, I knew that already). He even went to my house and left me a mushy note. He must\'ve been real surprised that I didn\'t go running back like I always did. Nope, I graduated and spent the summer traveling. One of my trips was to my new boyfriend\'s parents\' house to meet his family. I have to admit it was the best vacation of my life. Every day with him was perfect. Heck, everything in general was perfect!! For the first time I didn\'t think of my ex not once. For the first time I didn\'t feel angry or hurt. I felt a little like my old self again. I know I will never be the same person, but I like to think I\'m a stronger person. I know better what I want and don\'t want, and I\'m not as timid in a relationship as I was before. Yeah, I have a bit of a trust issue that my poor boyfriend had to deal with (to be fair I gave him a warning!!). My life isn\'t what I thought it would be at this time, but I\'m okay with that because I can honestly say now I am happy and I have really left my past behind. I wouldn\'t go back for anything to a man I could never trust, even if he truly was sorry and would change. At the end of the day, I believe trust is just as important as love in any relationship. I just wanted to share my update to let you all know, IT DOES GET BETTER!! For me, it was just like a little switched clicked when I realized it was possible for me to have serious feelings and be happy with someone else. You don\'t even need someone else to come to this realization. You may realize you are GREAT all by yourself and deserve nothing but the best!! But, beware, you can only reach this stage if you want to. Some people like misery and think it\'s what defines them. DON\'T DO IT!! You are not you\'re sadness, you are the strength to overcome it!! You are the wisdom that come from a mistake. I know it\'s scary getting back into the world, and it\'s best to start things slow, but I promise it\'s worth it. My advice for once you do start the dating scene, try not to compare. It will inevitably happen a few times, but try to remember this a completely different person, and even if they do/say things that are similar, their motives might be completely different. It\'s not fair for us to judge them harshly because of some jerk in our past. Well, good luck to all of you. I wouldn\'t wish this pain on anyone (except my ex :p ) but I know you will get through it. Even if you don\'t believe me now, there will come a time you\'ll remember this and think of just how right i was ;)

I'm very sorry you are going through this but know that you are not the only one and that you are not alone. I'm going through a similar situation..my first real bf and we were together for 7 yrs we had our rough times n 2 times prior to breaking off the engagment he broke up with me telling me he didnt know what he wanted in life and he was confused but he came back and tried working on things. The 2nd time we got back together he came back and wanted to prove to me that he loved me so much and moved in with me and after two yrs of living together proposed..i was in shock as I was stil in the phase of trying to regain the trust...but I loved him sooo much and wanted to do anything just to be by his side. After a yr of being engaged i started planning the wedding he took no part in anything but just going to sign contracts after i found the places i liked but he alwasy reassured me that he loved me and wanted to get married and wanted to have kids with me. Well 5 months before the wedding he comes home and tells me that we should postpone the wedding that he doesnt know if this is what he really wanted and he was so confused...my heart was literally going to jump out my chest I couldnt believe it..that night he left our home and went to his parents house..the next day my mom went over to his parents house to talk to them and to him to see what was happening as I was just in shock..he tells everyone that he didnt love me and didnt want to get married..he didnt tell me this why didnt he tell me instead of humiliating me in front of everyone after proposing to me in front of our family and friends. The man i thought i knew better than anyone and loved more than anything in this world was gone and I didnt know how to feel with this. I felt as if I was living a fake life as if i was going to wake up from this nightmare and everything was going to be fine. Now almost 5 months later...I'm still struggling and I have texted him, called him trying to fix things but I gave up all hope as now i hear from everyone that he is going out everyday drinking and who knows what else he is doing and when we were together he never ever wanted to go out with me. I'm trying and pushing through this pain..I have my days that I cry all day long and i cant function running to the bathroom at work..then there are other days that i think well i tried for 7yrs and gave him my all its his lost and i will move on from this....he was never there for me emotionally, mentally and physically and also never cared about my career as i been moving up all he did was be insecure with everything n the late nights i had to work to move up in my company he would turn it into me cheating on him. All you can do right now is focus on yourself and I know how hard it is but you have to stop trying to think about the what ifs and think about the bright future you have ahead of you..this will eventually pass and as we are standing in the dark foggy pathway one day this will all clear and make sense and we will be thankful it happened now and not having another couple of yrs. He also never gave me a face to face explanation and is moving on that should be the fire to help us move on bc we deserve someone who will respect us enough to tell us what they told everyone else and someone who will never cause us so much pain...Sending you lots of hugs!!!

It's been getting better the longer I go without seeing/talking to him. I can think of all the bad things he ever did to me and all the red flags that i should have seen. I really do wonder why these men went through the process of the engagement to just end it so immaturely :/ I recently found out the my ex has suddenly has the intense need to brag about himself and ask other people if they think his new gf is hot. It is apparently so bad that HIS friends are texting me telling me I'm better off without him. It made me a little happy to see he is insecure, cause if he was content he wouldn't need validation from other people. But yes, we will survive and thrive!! I'm sure we will still have are crying days and moments, but I've noticed they are becoming less and less. Thanks for the hugs, I'm sending you lots back :)

The Worst Mistake of My Life
Since I was a kid I never had someone to tell me what was right or wrong, in fact I never had someone there to hug me or give me some affection, my mother left me when I was eight years old to come to the US and I stayed with my father who had a kidney failure and for some reason was ashamed of me. My older brother lived with me as well but, he was very aggressive and an alcoholic, in many occasions he beat me up until I passed out without mercy. My family never cared about me and I had to break furniture to cook some food for myself since we did not have gas and no one cared if I had something to eat. After ten years I moved to the US with my mother and brother, by that time my father was deceased, I went to Fairfax High School and it was there where I met the most beautiful person in this world, I gave her all of me but still I felt that was not enough because I felt in debt with her for many reasons; one of them because she taught me what love really means, I was so scared to lose her and I had this “perfect” image before her eyes and as a human I made many mistakes and I lied about them trying to keep this “perfect” image to her, I was so wrong.
I used to drive a lot (45 min) only to see her a few minutes, she was and is my muse, my angel the person that I love the most and would die for her, my princess; my lack of experience in relationships contributed to my stupid decisions, but still I was willing to do anything to make her happy, I had a job as a food runner in a restaurant and my income was so little that first thing when I received my paycheck put money aside for the gas to drive and see her, “to visit haven” in her arms and look at her beautiful eyes full of life and love. Since I was going to high school and working after classes my days were very long but, I never lost the chance to visit her after work and bring some flowers, brownies or sweet tea with me only to make her smile, many times I almost fell asleep while driving but I never cared as long as I got to see her. I had to work very hard to buy her a very expensive engagement ring, not because I wanted to show off but, because she truly deserved that and more, way more.
We got engaged and I was so happy, I always wanted to spend my entire life next to her and my biggest dream was she to be the last thing in this world I could see before passing away in a futurebut, I made mistakes I lied, I hurt her. I don’t know if many or every men had gone through that period of time where you find yourself so lost, that nothing makes sense and you do not even have a specific goal in life, but I was there in middle of the storm. I wanted to go back to my country for some reason and I wanted to take her with me but, she did not want to and I completely understand that now, but I did not back then. The relationship was damage because I have lost some of her trust and I did not like that, I wanted it to be like before but, the stupid young me did not understand that it would take a lot of work to get that trust back, I was so hurt because she treated me in a different way and I did not like that so I wanted to escape from that situation and start thinking about breaking up with her. Yeah right in that moment I could say that I murdered my soul, I broke up with her in the most stupid and coward way, she was in Miami studying, we had a long distance relationship and I decided to text her and after call her to break up, a week before her finals and weeks before she came back, I knew if she was here I would not be able to break up with her because her eyes are so beautiful that I would do anything to make them stop when crying.
After few days this woman at my job asked me why I look so miserable and I told her why, then she told me that she had a crush on me and that she could make me feel better and I made another big mistake, I was being so selfish that I only cared about my pain but did not think about my princess’ pain, after dating this new girl for a month I realized that I had done something so terrible and I needed my princess back, I stop seeing this new girl gradually even though she was truly nice to me, I did it gradually because I did not want to hurt anyone else, yes I know I should have thought about that before leaving my princess. I went back to my princess and I was willing to change but I kept making mistakes, I was not myself anymore and I tried to make up many of my faults but I did not know how to. After arguing with my princess she stated treating me like I was trash, certainly I was a piece of trash, her words full of anger tear my soul apart and with it all my dreams, she was/is the most important person in my life and her words meant so much to me, I started believing that I was everything she told me I was, in couple words the worst man on earth; in that specific moment I realized that I needed to change for good and if I stayed I would hurt her even more so once again I left.
After that my entire word went to ruins, I could not stop thinking about her and in my desperate try to forget about it for a second I went back to my country for two weeks, it was pointless. Every day back in my country I used to have walks by myself and went to places I planned to show her when we were together, I used to talk by myself pretending that she was there and start crying when I turned around to see her gorgeous smile but I could not see her, she was no longer a part of my life. My depression was growing and growing eating me alive, I started drinking more and more often, my life was out of control.
After some months I tried to contact her but she was so mad that hung up on me, once again straight back to alcohol. Every single day I daydreamed about her while working, I imagined how it would be like to have her next to me and the pain dug deep into my soul, I started thinking about my mistakes and how bad I hurt her, I wrote her poems and composed songs that I used to sing while driving back to my house, crying every single day crying and crying hiding in the darkest corner of my lonely bedroom, even at work tears rolled down my cheeks when I imagine her crying or a beautiful memory popped up in my mind. I was so convinced that I did not deserve to be happy, that all I deserved was pain and pay for my sins. While working I used to hurt myself so bad at the shop repairing cars and never took care of my wounds because I felt that I deserved that pain and worst.
After not too long I contacted her sister and she told me that she was dating someone else, that’s when my depression reached its peak, I wanted to fight for her and went to her house here in VA looking for a chance but all I got was rejection, I could not live with myself, I hated myself so much for what I had done that I started burning my hands with cigarettes, all I wanted was hurt myself, feel that pain that she went through because of me. I have lost my identity and my only desire was to see her or die. When I saw her for the last time I got a haircut specifically for her and told her that I was going to wait for her, I let my hair grow in symbol of my wait.
During that month, September, I got a DUI, I have lost the desires to live, I saw the picture of my princess with someone else and got my knee dislocated, I could not do what I like the most which is weight lifting, my dreams came to an end and to me living without her was pointless, actually I thought I did not deserve to be alive.
After seeing her for the last time my depression caused me to lose weight, every night I used to dream about her and wake up crying and pronouncing her name, then run to the bathroom and throw up, I got really sick. Every time I imagined her with someone else I had the urge of throw up, for two months that was my every day; wake up, cry, throw up, work, cry while working, throw up again, sing while crying, go back home get drunk by myself in the backyard while crying and prying to die.
In December 12th, 2013 I got a big knee surgery and a day after was my court date for the DUI, all I could think about was her, even after surgery I woke up crying saying to my mother “Tell Briannita not to worry that I’m fine and that I am going to go to Miami to see her soon” and when I noticed that Briannita was not there for me, I broke into a big scream of anguish, grabbed my head and pass out. The court day I was in so much pain and I refused to take the medication because I wanted to feel the pain, once again I was whipping my own back because of my sins.
The time of recovery dragged me to the point in which I was not human anymore, I used to sit there by myself in the dark, unable to move, in pain, crying and regretting every single of my mistakes, thinking about how I could do things better while holding a picture of her in my bloody hands. Sometimes I used to drag myself to the backyard to smoke a cigarette and think about how beautiful my past was with her and how I ended up being a piece of mutilated flesh sitting in the corners of solitude with no hope, soulless, motionless and feeding my pain with more tears. I used to write her poems while the warm touch of fresh blood used to pet my hands and legs after falling many times while trying to get up to reach a picture of her, out there in the backyard during the coldest and longest winter of my life I only seek the end of my days waiting in the cold imagining that if I die I would go back in time and live those golden times with her over and over again.
The emptiness of my soul shouted out loud her name and my eyes had abandoned every sign of hope and life, I was a ghost of the memories, craving for some love but, no, I did not deserved to be loved, I did not deserve to have anyone with me, I did not deserve happiness at all. The pain that caused her absence and the many wounds in my flesh made me go mad for couple days, I was irrational, I talked by myself for hours screaming and insulting at my shadow, I saw things that were not real like her face among the smoke of the cigarettes mixed with the darkness of my anger against myself, I took the medication that the surgeon prescribed me (OxyContin) I became addicted to it, I abused of it to fall asleep for entire days, I slept through December’s holydays, I used to wake up, use the bathroom, grab something small to eat and drink some water to swallow the pills and all my regrets with it and go back to sleep for another 18 hours; I lost notion of time and the only few hours I was awake was when my best friend Boris visited me, he was the only person I spoke to in days. He used to bring me beers and weed to forget about my pain ,and yes I used those to escape from my cruel reality for a little bit, as soon as he left I took three pills and went back to sleep.
I was hopeless, my life had changed so much, my dreams were gone and my hart burned every time I had my eyes open. My soul felt like a heavy chain around my neck obstructing my breathing and her image in my mind facilitated the tears to come out and soak my face until it got blisters around my nose. That’s when I felt the side effects of the prescribed drug which was depression and suicidal thoughts. I adventure myself into those obscure waters of insanity trying to reach some peace for my soul, the remorse in my conscience struck against my desires to live and I only wanted to stop being myself, stop being that horrible person that hurt such as angel and made her cry. I took five pills of OxyContin hoping that the pain would go away, so I could go back to dreaming with the beautiful expression in her face in past Christmas when I surprised her with gifts and plenty of kisses, also the image of that perfect family of hers that welcomed me in their house many times to share food and smiles, those memories were constantly making me shake in pain, I have hurt them too. One, two, three gulps of water with the pills would take me to that place where I was truly happy and I would pretend in dreams that reality was a nightmare, that the taste of defeat would vanish away after a sweet kiss of her perfect lips made by God to give peace to my spirit, my princess was all needed. I hug my pillow pretending that it was her while I whispered “please forgive me, I’ll be home shortly” and fell asleep for three days. My mother woke me up in tears because I looked death, well I was already death; death in life. My joins were rigid, I had a really bad headache, my limbs were numb and it hurt so much only to swallow saliva but, I was breathing for some reason even though my mind refuse to accept the idea that I was back into that horrible nightmare that is being me, without her, with that enormous emptiness that claimed to be filled up with her love and affection. “Why am I still here??” I thought while my eyes shined in the dark looking at my mother, that light in my eyes were the evidence that I was falling into the deep cliff of madness.
My mother and my brother carried me to the living room to talk but I refused to say a word, we prayed and I just wanted to go back to sleep, the weakness in my voice reflected the broken spirit of a man who once was so proud and happy. I lit the fireplace in my bedroom to get a little warm since I was cold, cold as a corpse, I sat there in front of the fire in the dark, I was humiliated and unable to walk but stayed there for hours looking at my own shadow and hands thinking about of those moments that I shared with my muse and start crying while laughing because I was paying for all that pain I have caused and even when I try to escape God, Karma or something dragged me back to reality to pay my debt with life. Right there in the darkest place of my soul I finally found myself, I came up with a phrase after meditating for hours without moving a single time, not even to blink “el mejor molde de un buen hombre es el dolor que sus propios errores causa” (the best mold for a good man is the pain that caused one’s mistakes) I mull about it for other couple hours while crying and laughing at the same time, and I started assessing my entire life, I knew what I did wrong and I decided to become someone better, the man I always wanted to be and even pretended to be, I sworn not to lie ever again, I knew what not to do ever again and let my body take the punishment that God had for me, product of my senseless choices in the past, in that second among all that solitude, desperation and agony; life and God gave birth to a new man I was decided to become the man that my princess deserves and wait for her, crafting my personality to be good, to get close to God and have strong morals and values. I tossed all my pills away and started working on myself at that precise moment, I got up and start walking in the cold trying to make my legs stronger “I am that man that she thought I was, and I am going to prove it to myself” I said while walking, the cold made my tears freeze and my eyelashes stuck together, I could not feel my limbs but I was not willing to stop walking.
It is being six months since I was born for a second time, my wait for her is being longer and until now no one has touched my face, hair and lips, and no one will but her because I am the kind of man that can love only one woman in a lifetime. Now I am focused on accomplishing everything I had promised her, and soon I’ll leave VA as I said before, I am in a great shape and I am back in school pursuing my dreams, If she ever comes back I will welcome her back the way she deserves. I am still fighting for her love every day becoming a great man but, only God knows what is going to happen next but, until I see her next time, I need to become that man that will never fail again because I learned from my mistakes the hard way, now I try to be out of her life so maybe someday she will miss me and if everything goes well she may even forgive me and we can be together once again. I realized that my biggest mistake was not leaving her but, lying to her the first time. I only wish her the best and she still my inspiration, motivation and role model. I am only hers and I want to keep it that way, until next time my princes, Brianna C. the one and only.