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How Do You Move On?

On November 23 I was dumped after over 5 years together.  We would have been engaged for a year on Christmas eve.  We were set to get married on 2/4/11.  I had my birthday roughly a week after he broke up with me and turned 25.  We meet in college and became instantly close.  We lived apart for a year when I graduated and moved home about 2 1/2 hours away and saw each other very little, he proposed while we still lived apart.  Then he moved home as well to student teach in May.  All summer we spent together living about 20 min away at each of our parents homes in order to save for a wedding and a home.  When we first got engaged I wanted to go off to an island or something and get married, I have never wanted a wedding because of all the stress.  He told me he really wanted a wedding so I agreed.  Once we started planning I really became excited.  We started early so we could get the wedding payed off and rebuild our savings for a down payment on a house.  At the end of the summer he started his student teaching and worked weekends as a cook at a restaurant.  He was worried about being able to do both so I told him if he need to not work that would be fine I would work and help him out.  I am a social worker and don't make a ton of money however I love my job.  I want to go to school and get my masters but decided to wait until after the wedding.  When he started school I took on a second job on the weekends as a waitress. Half of my regular paychecks and all of my tips went into our savings account.  He decided to work and put a little here and there into the savings.  We did not spend much time together because I work a lot of nights to for my families and we both worked on weekends.  We have always had a really trusting relationship and I would sometimes go for a drink after the restaurant with a male friend of mine.  About a month before we broke up he called me and asked if I minded him going out with one of the female bartenders a work for a drink, being ever trusting I said of course.  They began talking and I even went to the bar one night with them, she seemed really cool and someone I could be great friends with.  I felt really luck because we didn't have many friends in the area.  After going out with them on that Saturday, I received a call from him on Monday needing to talk to me about this powerful thing he did at school that day.  When I called him in between my appointments he didn't answer his phone, no big deal he never hears it, so I called him again when he did answer he apologized because he had been on the other line with this girl.  That did not sit well with me, and after talking for awhile he reveled that he thought he had feelings for this girl he knew for about three weeks.  After much talking and thinking and of course crying we decided to work on our relationship.  He said he would stop talking to her and that we would spend more time together and put some wedding plans on hold.  After what I thought was 2 great weeks some of the best we had had since I left college he called me and said he respected me and cared about me and had to tell me something important.  He said he was not ready to get married, my heart sunk, but that didn't really matter I loved him and just wanted to be with him.  When I asked about us he said he loved and cared about me as a friend but was no longer in love with me.  He further told me he would be so unhappy marrying my thinking of the what ifs.  I became so upset especially thinking of the wedding dress I had already bought and the chapel and wedding invatations that I had gotten and paid for.  Worse was just the night before he told me he couldn't wait to get a home and live with me.  After five years he ended our engagement and relationship over the phone, wow.  He was always the sweetest man who I never doubted loved me and now he was being the biggest jerk alive.  I feel as if I have no idea who he is.  He graduated from college on Saturday and I wrote him a really nice e-mail telling him how proud of him I was.  He responded and thanked me.  However from facebook (the worst thing for a breakup) I found he was saying what a wonderful time he has been having and such as I am sitting here with a horrible broken heart.  I finally had to remove him as my friend but all I want to do is call and talk to my best friend.  I miss him so much and he has agreed to pay for just about everything, but it's not the money its the hurt and the love I lost.  With Christmas approaching I am having a very hard time and just want the holidays to be over.  How do you get over the loss of the friendship?

snugglebunny2103 snugglebunny2103 22-25, F 17 Responses Dec 13, 2009

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Hope you are a better place snugglebunny2103, and totally understand.
It’s been 5 months that my engagement was called off by my ex. Every day is a struggle some days less than others and I wonder when will I not think about him, my best friend. I hear songs, I think of him. I eat dishes, I think of him. I go places, I think of him. Something happens, I think of him and want to reach my phone and call him to tell him what happen. I try really hard not to think of him. I just miss him…
We were together 2 yrs and engaged a year and a half. A month after our engagement, he lost he job. He was confident he would find a job right away and same amount of pay so we kept planning the wedding (bad idea). He did not find a job for about a year. I ended up supporting both of us financially and he dealt with depression during that time which was not easy, but did not give up on him. He came into the relationship with some baggage just like I did. His were; two previous marriages, latest ex-wife was not over him, a teenager daughter and the fear of arguing. Every time we had a fight, he would say he would leave instead of fighting. Instead of communicating better with him, I kept everything inside in fear of starting an argument and him leaving. Other than that, we had a great relationship.
Obviously, we had to put the wedding on hold due to financial issue. Towards the end of the relationship, I was faced with some of my baggage and as per my fiancé I reached out to a counselor to talk though my issues. Not even after one month of seeing my therapist, one more fight occurred. After that night, he had made up his mind of leaving. 3 day later he told me he had found a place and was moving out. So broken hearted I became… I am mad at him on how quickly he was able to walk away from us.
I still have contact (minimum) as he was paying for insurance and he owes me for wedding expenses. He always starts his message to me, with “I sincerely or hope you’re doing ok” which I despise it seems so insincere… If he really cared, he wouldn’t have left…
I survived the holidays, but it was not easy. It was not easy to see how quickly things can change and to see how we were last year around that same time.
Thankfully, I have an amazing support group, my family and friends. Despite everything that has happened, I still believe in love… crazy huh?

I am so happy to be reading all of this.
Me and my ex had been together for two years. The last 5 months were long distance due to job situations. I worked 4 hours away by plane from him. We were going to get maried in August.
Last weekend I visted him. I have been depressed for 3 months may I add. I wanted to postpone the wedding until I felt better. This also because he told me that my depression was suffocating the relationship. 3 weeks ago he also said that he'd lost feelings for me because everything has been so messy latley. I lived 3 weeks in anxiety. 3 weeks of fear. Fearing that I would have a broken engagement on my time line.
So, I decided to be the mature one. I suggested that we postpone the wedding until I felt better. He didn't even react. He sat down. Mailed everyone on the list telling them that the wedding had been postponed. I wanted to talk things out but he seemed unavailable.
Then he told me he needed time for him self. He took a walk and I met up with a friend. When I came back he said that ''this relationship isn't working for me anymore''. He broke up. The main reason was that my depression had affected the relationship so badly that he felt that he couldn't handle it anymore. So he said I love you and I said I love you and we parted.
After speaking to his brother I understood that it was because my depression had contributed to our relationship rotting a little. His brother said that my ex probably wouldn't be ''closed'' to talking to me when I get better and see what happens then.
I just feel like killing something. Isn't marriage for better or for worse? In sickness and in health? He just wants to be with me when everything is sunny and cloudfree. No dark clouds in the sky.
I feel abandoned and at the sametime trapped by my own life. We had such great plans and everything but he just decided to throw it in the trash can and now I'm stuck with a job that I don't like (we got a job together in another city but I am still at my old job). I shared all my hobbies with him and I am so confused as how I will continue these without him in my life. He was the one who made me pull through my long hours at my job because I saw the end. The end of my stressful life was when I would move in with him and get married. Now all my plans are all gone and I feel like I have nothing.
I told him not to contact me.
I wonder if that was a mistake.
A part of me wants him back and another part of me feels like I, in the long run, am better off without him. I do remember always feeling like I had to put a ''happy'' mask on around him. That is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. I want somebody who accepts me for who I am. Sure, have learned that next time I get depressed to seek help and sort out my problems and not take them out on the relationship. I know all of this and I totally see my part in everything.
I just wish he would have given me time. Time to get better and heal. He would have seen that our relationship would have gotten better.
At the same time, like I said, I want somebody who loves me for better and for worse, in sickness and in health.
It's been 5 days and I can get out of bed. I did go to work and I have eaten properly and intend on exercising later on. I just don't see the future.

wow, thanks for sharing these stories. I also had a broken engagement, we were together for four years, the last 8 months of it were long distance. I had anxiety and doubts about getting married and he broke up with me (2 months before moving to his city), I arrive in his city and he has a new girlfriend, new life, new everything. Told me to never contact him again and completely walked out of my life. I never thought he could turn into such a stranger, it scares me to think that I loved someone who can be so douchey. Its been just over a year since we broke up, he is still with his new girlfriend and I havent really moved on. I know it takes time, but sometimes it feels like I will never get over this. Hearing stories of broken engagements gives me some sort of strength knowing that others go through this and that in some way, its not normal to move on within two months.....

I think that's the hardest thing for me too. I was with my boyfriend for 5 years, engaged for two of them--I caught him cheating and lying and he's already onto his second girlfriend since me (in a matter of 4 months since I found out). I don't really understand how he can jump from girl to girl and really believe he's into them and have no regard for me. Not having any answers is really difficult and scary.

You will be okay. It's been about three months since everything has happened to me. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't think about him at all and everything is perfect but things are better. You need to realize your worth so much more than this. You deserve someone who will make you happy and who loves you for you. I haven't really dated again yet and I'm not exactly interested in starting but I do know one day I will find the right person for me. It's sounds weird to say, while I'm not happy about the wAy things ended, I am happy it's over so I can now move on because he let me go. Don't let one person destroy things for you, you will be happy again and you will find love again. It takes time, but know there are always other women out there who have been through something similar. You always have support, whether you realize it or not <3

My fiancé and I had been together for two years and engaged for three months. I'm 20, he's 25. He was my best friend before we started dating and was there for me when my dad passed away. I knew he was who I wanted to spend my life with. I could tell things haven't been perfect lately but I didn't think it was too bad, especially after his reassurances. I came to visit my mom in Virginia, he and I lived in Georgia. The first night he called me told me how much he missed me and loved me. The next day (today) he texted me and told me we should separate, he has decided completely and that he will mail me my things. He then blocked me on Facebook and is ignoring my calls and texts. I am heartbroken, I realize this is for the best but I am still heartbroken. I just can't believe the man I was in love with could just throw me away like its nothing

A similar thing happened to me. We were together three years, 4 of those we were engaged. Most of our time was spent apart as I was in college in FL and he was in VA working on a technical degree. We would fight over stupid things while we were apart, but I always thought it was great when we were together. Part of me always felt like it wasn't going to last because he could never make up his mind if he was going to move to FL when I graduated or not. Sometimes it was yes, sometimes it was a no. I caught him lying to me on various occasions and flirting with other girls. After him promising to never do it again, i would always forgive him, but he expected my trust to be back 100% and would become resentful if it wasn't. Two weeks before we broke up he called me crying saying he couldn't imagine his life without me. 2 nights before he told me he loved me like usual. Then right before my finals (over a text, mind you) he says he doesn't love me anymore. When I tried to get an explanation he would act so mean and above me, like I didn't deserve one. However, his friends have apparently gotten all the details of how it was me and how I treated him so badly and would always "throw in his face" all the things he had done to me. He never once told them anything bad that he had done, nor admitted that he could have played some part in all this. Then the really shocker was when I found out he was seeing someone else less that a day after we broke up. I guess he couldn't admit that he might have had feelings for someone else because then he couldn't play the victim anymore. It helped me get over wanting him back and wanting to work things out, but it gave me this anger and disappointment. It's really hard for me right now because it's summer and normally we would spend every day together. I keep thinking about how much I miss having someone to do things with, and I miss my best friend. I don't understand how he could just push me from his mind and go right to someone else, but given his history and the things I had found over the years, I'm not totally surprised. Seeing that other people have gone through the same makes me see that these things happen and it's not my fault. I shouldn't wonder "why" and just accept the fact that it happened. Nor should I think about the what if's because those were never meant to be, and wouldn't be as great as I imagined them anyway if this is the type of person he is. I hope everyone is doing much better and I hope to get there myself. Just going to take it one day at a time...

My ex behaved similarly, I caught him in the wrong so many times and he would promise to never do it again and then what do you know, same nonsense, different medium.

In the end, he told me we would patch things up and then he went behind my back and moved out of our apartment on my birthday while I was struggling with the biggest week in my career history. He just told me "he needed space" but he told all of his friends it was over and he said a lot of similar things that you ex said, except we had not fought about his past indiscretions in months. He basically blamed everything on me and never once mentioned any of the things he had done, his friends were even oblivious that it was my birthday when he moved out!

I have been very hurt and weak about all of this, it shattered me and I feel enormous grief and fear at the moment. 2 weeks ago he waltzed back into my life and he got all romantic and cuddly with me and then he tried to tell me how difficult it was breaking up with me and that i shouldnt be thinking I was the 'victim' when he had it so much worse. Needless to say I did not have a lot of sympathy, so we fought again and he left. Stupid me, I was so weak and pathetic I actually chased after him a little and said "well are we ever going to see eachother again", he was very reluctant but finally he sent me a letter telling me it was over. There was so much that was wrong with what he was saying but I could not dignify him with a response. I am really in a lot of pain and I am questioning whether I will ever survive this pain. I would love to get to where snuggle bunny is but I am scared I will not get over this :(

YES YOU WILL!! Tomorrow will be a month for me and even in this little amount of time i can already see a difference in how i feel. yes, i'm still sad at times. yes, i sporadically cry at certain songs/ movie scenes. BUT they are fewer :) What really helped me is that you have to want to not be sad and remind yourself of all the things that you DESERVE. Leaving you on your b-day and then playing the victim are not things a man who is good husband material would do! It hurts like heck, but it is the last pain he will ever give you. I hope you are finding lots of new things to keep you occupied as well, it helps ( i learned how to knit and am about to take tai chi classes lol). And if you ever need anyone to just talk it out with, I'm a message away and am on the computer pretty frequently. Again, remember that sometimes you have to forget what you want (or wanted) and remember what you DESERVE :)

hi thanks for the post.my boyfriend (oh..yes,now he is my ex) broke our 6 months engagement just 2 days back.Its so painful and i\'m not able to stop thinking about this for even a second. worst part is the concerned look all my friends and family give me. I hope i could get over this soon.

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I want to thank you all for your posts, especially sungglebunny2103. My fiance and boybriend of over 8 yrs has just ended our engagement and relationship. I struggle with wanting to call him but your post has saved me from tying to save a relationship that really is not healthy for me or my self esteem. I wish you the very best snugglebunny and I know that things will get better for me as well! Thank you for sharing your strength at a difficult time in my life.

Well, hind sight is 20 20 they say. Life is great for me. I had wonderful friends and family that helped me through the difficult times. There are still times that think about what might have been, but he did me the biggest favor by ending our relationship. I have realized in time that we really were in very different places and that he was not the right person for me no matter home much I had thought he was. I jumped in to the dating scene and dated some guys that were not for me. I went to some counseling sessions to help me with some self-esteem issues. I tried online dating a little over a year ago and have been dating a wonderful man for about a year now from that experience. I don't know where things are going to end up with us, but I have realized that I am capable of being loved and loving again. The first time he told me that he loved me, I freaked out and had to explain to him that I was really ready for that. With some patience and support from him I have opened up again and I have also realized that while I love and enjoy being with someone, I don't need someone. That was a hard thing to learn. The best advise I could give to anyone going through this is to feel how you feel for as long as you need. Lean on people who care about you and don't think that there is a magic cure, there is not. Sometimes it still hurts, but I know that in the end it was for the best. One last thing, cut off contact the longer you try to hold on the more you hurt yourself. I wish everyone that has shared this experience the best, this site and everyone's comments helped me more then I every really thought that it could. While I have great family and friends like I said, The support of people who have had similar experiences truly does help so continue to lean on each other and I may not check in as often now, I am also a message away for anyone that needs an ear.

Snugglebunny, I'm curious as well....its been almost two years since you posted this...how are you now?? I recently ended an engagement after being with the guy for 6 years...things just weren't right though. I still find myself questioning things though, and reading these post help me to realize that things will be ok. It's sometimes good to know you're not alone in the world. Well, I hope things have gotten much better for you, and would love you hear how you moved on.

Snugglebunny, I was wondering how you are feeling now and how your life has changed (hopefully for the better) since you posted this! :o)

I have a simmalr expeerence. I gave up everything for this guy. Moved from CA to Georgia for 5 years. Then he decides it's not going to work out. Back in Ca now and can't seem to get over this. It's been almost a year and I can't see myself moving on at all. I've told him I can't talk with him because it gives me hope and makes it even more difficult for me. Just don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry Snugglebunny. There are so many people that have gone through this type of situation, I'm one of them and I'm much older than 25. It still hurts but it really does get better. Don't call him it just prolongs the "moving on" for you. Let him pay for everything, you will be really glad you did one day.

There is not consolation for all the time you lost being with him, but there is definitely consolation in thinking how much more time you could have wasted. I know he was your friend and you loved him, but this guy was a jerk and still is. Forget him and find yourself someone better. I just broke off an engagement two days ago. My wedding dress is sitting in the closet. it looks like a huge white ghost, ever so menacing. But everyday gets that much easier when i realize what a mess i saved myself from. you're young. i'm 25 too. just remember. you're not the only woman who this has happened to and you're not the last.

This sounds very similar to my story - he finished with me about a week before my 25th birthday. We were due to get married in 2011. He used to live 2.5 hours away before we moved in together. He pushed for the wedding. He said the exact same thing: "he loved and cared about me as a friend but was no longer in love with me". Just a week before, he had sent me messages saying how much he loved me.

It's now been about a month and I still don't know what to do - there isn't a second of the day that goes by where I'm not thinking about it. I have finally got my head around the way he feels and that these things happen for no reason whatsoever, but I can't face the loss (of the friendship, of everything we used to do, of the life I used to have and the future I was going to have).

How are you getting on?

Better to happen now instead of after the wedding.

Forget him and move on. You are lucky to find out he was not that into you before you married him. I know it hurts but believe me a divorce is more painful especially if children are involved. Move on there is always somone special waiting to meet you. Don't let one rejection spoil your self esteem. He is the one with the problem not you. Look in the mirror and tell yourself Im OK and worth something better than him."



What usually happens is he finds out he made a mistake when the "new" wears off this new girl he can come back to you. Don't buy it, he has poor self esteem and will keep doing the same thing again.

Thank you so much linda I def will. I am lonely and it is nice to find someone wo cares. just knowing that someone took time to read my story and cares to comment on it makes tooday a little better.

There is not magic remedy to get over this i wish i could tell you there was but just the fact you are talking about it and writing about it is a first step.cry, take walks, go to the gym, see a therapist and know that in time it won't hurt . In time he may very well want to get back together but you may realize that you lost trust which takes a long time to regain. Leave him alone- i know that's hard but if you really want to ever have any relationship at all with him that's what you need to do. i am sure that he did not just caring but he wasn't and isn't ready to fully commit- he's scared and his actions show that so give yourself and him some time.. get a journal- write till you can't write anymore and know things will get better and you will be happy again.. write me and tell me how you are- ok?

linda