Someone Please Help Me Laugh

Comedy Free-Write #3 (started writing 1:41am May 17, 2012)
[I posted previous one's on my blog which I don't think anyone is reading so I've decided to post as story instead and plead for help]

I’m hoping 3rd time’s a charm. [in terms of actually being funny, humorous]
My employment counselor has been trying to
Contact me for a couple weeks by phone.
“If I had you”-
Hear that song by American Idol runner-up.
I’m feeling that way about a Tempur-Pedic
I would feel so much better
My troubles would melt away.
I think the bed I have now used to be in
Deceased grandparents house.
I’ve had it for a while.
Plus, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of [on deceased grandparent's bed]
It just evokes memories I want to forget
or maybe that I long for with another person
I have yet to know Biblically
aka future husband.
Ok, back to employment counselor.
I feel like seeing her & being a “client”-
the whole process was dehumanizing, humiliating-
I had to furnish paperwork proving I had a
disability & my housing workers
(I live in disability housing for mental health or lack thereof)
Printed out atleast what seemed like 100 page manuscript-
I don’t know-
A screenplay thickness of papers for me to give her.
I think it was even my
Suggestion to have more paper work than less
Because I really didn’t want to be turned down
for services.
Basically- I wanted to tell you all
I spoke to her over the phone today
& she said to me:
“It seems like you’re having a hard week.”
What prompted her to say that, you ask?
Well I asked her the same question.
She said: “I called you in the afternoon [last week] and I woke you up.”
Really?
I just recently finished my semester at college & helped a friend work on a
project & you think it’s abnormal for one to be sleeping
in afternoon?
I refused to give in to her suppositions.
Even if I was having a hard week- how would she know
Just because I was sleeping in the afternoon?
When I got thru talking to her I thought of saying
to her:
“Don’t pathologize me” & then I said an unpleasant word.
It’s like, they already have this idea in their head
Of who you are and what you’re capable of.
They see you thru the lens of illness &
I refuse at this point in my life to see myself in that way.
Yes, I work in the mental health field due to my lived
experience & have and do benefit from it in many ways
but at the same time
it’s holding me back-
I feel it’s limiting me &
I just want to break free from it.
I desperately want to be a tax payer-
A normal citizen-
I don’t want to be afraid or be ashamed
of where I live or
the fact that I have to use food stamps to buy food-
the fact that I’m on SSI-
The fact that ppl who work & pay taxes look
Down on me &
Think I’m lazy- taking advantage of the system &
Using their hard-earned money to sit back & chillax.
Well let me be the first to say-
I’d gladly take your place-
I’d rather not live in fear of
Judgement from you.
Well just get a job, you say.
Well, 1st of all- I do have a few jobs:
School, a couple PT jobs & I go to trainings. I’m trying to better myself.
2ndly- I’m not like the rest of you-
A 1000 things will go thru my mind doing a task you
Wouldn’t think twice about.
I live in fear of judgement, self-doubt, are you staring at me while I’m making your sandwich or ringing up your clothing purchases?
Am I doing this right? etc, etc,
"Well, just change your stinking thinking.
Get your focus off yourself & stop being so self-centered &
consumed."
You think I want to live like this?
You think I want to drive myself crazy?
“Just take your meds & you’ll be fine.”
Yeah: & die 15-20 yrs before general population
When factors like suicide & smoking, which occur at
much greater rates in those diagnosed with mental illness,
Are accounted for?
Meds have side effects that are not even really
discussed by [most] psychiatrists such as diabetes risk,
tardive dyskinesia, dependency & a whole host
of other crap.
Listen- I’ve chosen not to take meds & everyone
Should make that choice on their own.
Even when on meds, didn’t make thoughts go away.
Mainly helped with sleep and probably placebo effect.
I don’t know why I call these comedy free-writes
cuz I’m not sure at this point what is funny.
I really do make ppl laugh in my daily life- sometimes.
Besides, I have to get to know you first.
Is anyone listening?
Please tell me a joke or something.
Try to find the humor for me, please.
You can begin by saying:
“Well, look at it this way: atleast you. . . [don’t have to do this] [you have this asset I don’t have being a sane person] [atleast you don’t deal with this] [fill in the blank]”
stopped writing 2:28am.
Finished typing up at 3:04am.
deleted deleted
26-30
May 17, 2012