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Depression Chronicles

I've been crushed by the insurmountable condition called Depression since my childhood, it made my life hell and often taunted me in times of the dark.

It fluctuates inside of my system, consistently weighing me down on weeks to months at it's own pace, it terrifies me that it has this much power over me. I have no control over my emotions, my fears, doubts, insecurities, negatively empowered thoughts of apathy and shame awaken in full blight and my tears accessed it's freedom to shed down my face as I realize the impossible has come over me.

How I survive these phases is beyond my wonder of comprehension.

Recently as of this year during the early months of spring, it's when it completely blindsided me and tackled me across it's floor of cold and apathy. Successfully I recovered from that temporal phase, but then as of these late months between September and this recent October was when it became overbearing.

I know this much however. I may fall down the abyss of angst but I always climb back up no matter the strife because I am stronger than that.

I have support from family, small amount of friends and EP. I couldn't be anymore grateful for such a rapturous system of care.

I could only sit and lay in my dark cesspool of sorrow and misery.

There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say, all around me was numb to my head to my toes.

I cried.

I slept frequently, consistently, endlessly, never moving from my only comfort.

I couldn't eat, drink or speak.

My appetite was pillaged from me along with my strength of mobility.

I was unmotivated to do any kind of activities.

My memories of the past and present were miserably left in the dust, leaving me blank.

I couldn't even find enjoyment out of the things I loved to do.

I was drowning in pure absolute damnation for I knew where I was.

Hell.

And no matter what anyone said otherwise I was going to remain there.

Unless I stepped forward to justify my means to end it myself.

I had the strength to defeat this monstrosity because I was born with it.

I have the capabilities of a human being, the perfect design to resist and combat any foe that lay in my path.

Under no circumstances was I going to tolerate anymore suffering, suffocation upon my own pain and tribulation before me.

I had to first of all discover what caused my depression to consume me, turns out it was my own insecurities and self-doubts of the world around me comparing such to my own in-adequateness and short-comings. I had to accept that I have my own doubts at times, my own faults, my own shame to embrace, wasn't going to stop me from improving myself and make a plot against this conspiracy to win the war with my battle strategy to obtain victory. 

I began to move.

Bit by bit, nudge by nudge. I started to regain momentous edge over the chaos in my mind.

Then there it was.

A beacon of light ahead.

I raced with all my heart, my mentality, my body, and soul because I was going to make it out of this, whether I had help or not.

I was going through the ambient light again because I paved my own way out of hell.

Depression CAN be beat YOU have the will-power to withstand against it. You don't always have to rely on medications (which DO come with harsh side-effects) they only mask your feelings in sea of numbness which isn't a cure, all you require is love, support, determination and perseverance! Because you can choose your moods if you so desire, don't let your negative mind force you to believe otherwise, try to reinforce your own empowerment of inspiration and encouragement to give yourself a pep-kind-of-talk and achieve the impossible because you can make it possible.

Depression usually associated with a chemical imbalance and a situational factor so medications are necessary for some/most people. I personally believe God provided us the means to use medicines and science to relieve our sufferings. I also recommend exercise and a well balanced diet to cure the chemical imbalance, then there's situational whereas you can try your best to seek help from family, counselors, therapists, etc to solve your problems so the weight isn't so overwhelming.

Medications are needed because some people are just overwhelmed by the condition so it's okay if you can't will it out, some people can, others can't, it's simple as that. But beware of the side-effects 

Lastly, here is a encouragement empowered quote forged from my soul to all survivors or struggling depressants.

From me. To you:

"Just so you know depression is not a disease but a condition for no one is born into depression as it's an affliction, it's a temporary state of the mind which coerces you to believe that you are all alone and helpless to the causes around you that is overwhelming your vision of life ahead, it can be beat if you surround yourself with people who care and accept you and support you while you retrace your steps and figure out a plan of implementations, it may not happen over night but it takes time stick to your ideals, goals, ambitions, dreams and sense of self and you will go far, its hell but you can always find your rope to escalate you to heaven." ~ Lushiro

Also another quote: "When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long." ~ By Unknown

Articles on Depression:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200809/is-depression-disease

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-bootcamp/201009/can-exercise-cure-depression

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/medications_depression.htm

Also I wasn't alone regardless of my free-will in not even going to God for help even when I believed in him. I never realized how close he was in my presence because he was everywhere. For God was with me trying to call me unto him, that was when I got on my knees and prayed: "If you can hear me Lord! Please I beg for your help! Release me from this prison of darkness and sorrow! Embrace me in your loving arms so that I may feel your love!" That was when he shed light and peace upon me almost instantaneously, it felt as if I were being blanketed in a veil of euphoria and a serenity that I cannot describe. That was when I realized there was more out there than just me and my pain and suffering, but there was God who was always there, and he too was suffering with me. And all I had to do was accept his presence upon me and depend on him to heal me, and to this day my depression has become a suppression. 

This is my statement to clarify my statement above: God is your shadow, he follows you all your life, but you never pay him any attention until you are in a desperate turn, that is when you notice the shadow, who was with you all along, even when you are alone. That is when you begin to truly believe that he is real and not just a mere shade in the fabric of existence.
Lushiro Lushiro 18-21, M 42 Responses Oct 11, 2012

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Thank you for your candid post,it may help other sufferers,and it takes more than a little courage to speak openly about such personal matters.

My friend Craig suffers from chronic depression,but about two years ago it worsened,and he spent a year in a unit ,battling suicidal thoughts. It was not a good situation. Craig ,who is as big as an NFL nose tackle,and very pro active in exercise and proper nutrition,just couldn't shake it despite medications.To the relief of his many friends he is now "on the road",but each day is a new battle.
The drugs do indeed have serious side effects,but in this case they are a lifesaver.

My only quibble with your story would be ,whether you call it a disease,or a condition,someimes drugs are necessary..it can be a life,or death situation.

Craig is currently doing most of his 60,000 mi overhaul of his beloved PT Cruiser in my driveway..both proudly on the road

Thank you SO much for sharing. I know very well how debilitating feelings of depression can be. Just a few months ago, I was so overwhelmed by the concerns in my life that I literally could not pull myself up from the depths through prayer, so I made the decision, "Well, I'm going to be unhappy and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life." I even stopped attending church. Why struggle against it? Big mistake. Glory be to God that he answered my prayer and lifted me from the pit. Even though, I still have some bad days, as we all do, I focus on the fact that God is watching over me and know he'll see me through.

Amen! Very glad you pulled through the pits! Yes its true...we will still have bad days but we\'ll be okay. :)

Its so true, all that you said.. thats how it is. Its war between your mind and with whats real. Your emotions just put you on a ride. And its true, God is always there. Ugh, its hard to try and do it on your own, you feel helpless and I know with God, He's in control. I don't know why I'm trying to do it on my own, God got me through the worst and for some reason I'm trying to do it on my own, I almost feel .. I lost him, I know hes there I still believe in him, but theres a part of me thats just lost and thats what I'm trying to find.. I don't understand why its so hard and I just don't know anymore.

Pride gets in the way, that's the main obstacle...just let him do all the work...our burdens are lightened and our worries are cast away. Just pray and ask him to help you find your way back to him again, he's always waiting :)

Yeah, I do pray but lately, its just been the lord's prayer, simple but not forgotten, the prayer that I say with my son every night but I haven't talked to him in a little while and since then, things have... came back? But yes, I believe and prayer does work. youre right, it must be pride. Thanks for sharing your story with me.

Prayers don't need to be fancy, even just a few words work, he knows our hearts! I believe when we fall out of routine with God...our lives shift back to the chaotic brink that we see everyday, except its worse because we try to handle life on our own when our very lives are not our own at all. You're welcome, always glad to help, it seems the Lord's brought you here to set things right again! Isn't that amazing how he works? I have another story for you to read Amsteven if you don't mind lol. :)

Amen :) thats true, so true, right before Sunday too lol really though, I was debating whether or not to go to church tomorrow. I don't mind reading another...

Well Jesus himself said that we won't find God through preachers or buildings...we will find it in the bible and in our hearts :D But if church is a good commune for you, that's great. :) It's sort of long...so take your time with it, think you'll like what you read. http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Christian/3230626

God's house, God's words :) mmhm. But Yes, church is in our hearts because God is in our hearts.

:D

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"Depression is a temporary state of mind". I LOVE this!! The world use to be ugly, now it is beautiful. The world hasn't changed at all. Thank you for sharing :-)

Well said although in my own defense, though depression ebbs and flows - I've never been of the cloth to be able to simply lay down and die no matter how bad the burn.

Interesting...how do you cope with it?

Sometimes I write, I dance, I talk to a select few friends or blow money to feel like I am destroying something even if only my wallet.

I guess keeping busy and not focusing on it...

Thank you so much. You expressed almost everything that I ever wanted to say. Keep overcoming and growing, never let yourself fall down again =D

You're welcome :)

Thanks. Out of curiosity are you male or female? You don't have your gender posted on your profile?

Male :P I play around with going unknown sometimes to keep pervs away lol.

Thank you- I'll read this again when I'm not so down

You're welcome..I hope you feel better. (hugs)

Thank you.
Really thank you for this. It really does help to know that i was not the only one going through this. and more so to know someone was able to overcome the abyss of darkness

No one is ever alone in their pain.

You have a strong will to over come your depression, and that is a good trait. I myself have begun not to care all that much about things, especially getting better. My "depression" isn't nearly as bad as yours (possibly because I just don't care about much these days, so I just go along with it all).

I know how that feels the feeling of numbness and apatheticness sucks. :(

Thanks for sharing, Lushiro. I, too battle depression since I was 9 years old. I still battle it today.

It's not impossible to overcome, God is with you like he was with me when I was suffering and he pulled me from the lake of despair. I had no will-power but he gave me all the strength he could so I could prevail with him and because it was for me to be in a better place.

:)

:D

Thank You. Yes this makes sense and I know I can push the negatives thoughts through my mind, like I'm in a canoe and the thoughts are pushed along on their way by my paddle. Sometimes they don't glide by. Sometimes they're a result of a situation too close to my heart but still too far out of my reach.

Welcome! Good luck! Anything is possible ^_^

I love the last part. Its something I firmly believe in myself. I could easily be accused of depression the last 5 months but there was a reason I felt the way I did. I'm also muddling my way out without anti-depressants or alcohol abuse. The way you expressed it was brilliant IMO

Thank you Badinary :D
I hope you make a breakthrough it's heavenly bliss when you do!
If you ever need...someone to talk your depression with I'm usually here. ^_^

Thank you mate =) I just had to correct the above post I typed "out with" instead of "out without" the two outs fooled me into saying the exact opposite of what i meant. LMAO ooopsy. I think im finding my way out and I ignored many offers during the worst of it. Ive been very lucky and Im grateful for it. At this stage I just have to start to recover the old me and Im starting to work on it. It's going to be a while before im ready for the heavy stuff but all steps forward are good. Im sure that youd be a great person if I needed someone to talk to and I will if it comes to it thank you. Please feel free to do the same.

I also should add that my depression was situation based and that people who have depression related to brain chemistry its a totally different situation and I do understand that. For anyone else if its anti-depressants or suicide anti-depressants are a clear winner despite my personal disdain for them ;D

Yes likewise, well situation based of the mind anyway...o.O
I surely hope you fully recover so you can be back to speed. Wishing you well friend.

It's not a state of mind as much as it is a disease. I cannot always help myself, because it sometimes renders me completely unable to feel pleasure or motivation. I can do something that should make me happy, but it won't make a difference. I don't even want anything besides relief when I'm depressed, and I usually can't get any.

Yes I understand. People cannot cope with depression simply put.

An all around positive story despite the difficulties dealt within it. I enjoyed the poetic wording of it as well :) A lot of things I could relate to, too! I've gone through those phases, from the numbness to the what seemed like an endless stream of tears. It's tough and exhausting, but I'm happy for your realizations (and my own as well) that helped you get over those hardships. Keep that spirit going :3

Depression is a *****. I've been depressed to varying degrees for most of my life. About two years ago, after 9 months of mainly black depression,when I was literally dying, I found a spiritual god of my understanding, and with god, and friends in my life, I was able not just to overcome my depression, but to take back my life. What I could not do with will power, I was able to do with the grace of god. I have not been depressed since. I realize now that I cannot go it alone....Kudos Lush...

Bless you KB.

I prefer my own company

I understand but you don't have to wage this war on your own, if you want to talk I'm always here... :)

sorry to hear that pal

:/

if I can help ...even by just listening...you know I'm your friend

Maj displaying sentience? :O Think the world really is coming to an end XD

but in a mail.No crying here

:)

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Thank you for this. Depression sucks big time. I'm glad that you were able to get ouit of it. I'm hoping that I will find my way out as well...not easy.

You can do it! :-)

Depression is real.. I have a disability (Cerebral Palsy) and I've been depressed before. It's about maintaining a positive attitude like tomorrow will be better than today. I wished many things, but some things are not really possible at the moment. I just be the best person I can be..Sometimes you have to keep your emotions inside. I have no family that I see every day. None of my family ever calls.. but I stay true to myself and take care of myself.. if you eat well, take care of your health you will feel better. Depression I know is not easy, but you have to prove to others that you can be happy..without anyone's help. I fight depression, and I have no family to support me.

Depression is a very real physical illness, not a simple state of mind. You cannot just say you are going to beat it and come out of a depression. That is being depressed, not depression, totally different.

I like to look at it from a different spectrum to entice hope.

Thank you for that. After 30 years, I'm finally beginning to see that light at the end of a dark, dismal tunnel. It's not easy, but I know it's there. You're just another sign of proof. ;-)

:D

You are alive. Do you know that? Like more alive than most people now? That is so cool!

Lol I suppose...

Being so aware of how you are feeling, will truly help you cope with your depression. Friends play a huge role in my life and I'm lucky to have some great people round me. Nothing in this world is constant and I always try to think of the phrase, this too, will pass. If your life is a roller-coaster of emotions, there will always be the "ups." Appreciate them when you're in that moment. Stay strong and never be afraid to ask for the support of your friends and family. I wish you all the best in your life.

Thank you, same to you! :)

A wonderfully written piece, thank you for sharing your experiences with us in a non whinging, none whining way. It's refreshing.

Welcome! :)

Well Lush well written as always!!

I thought your quote was well thought out and i am sure it will help me.

Keep strong my friend

:)

Lushiro: Darling...I have to disagree with you. Depression is a disease. Some do require meds. I think that staying on meds for long periods of time is a mistake. As a nurse, I feel this way based on experience and knowledge. I am glad you had the strength to overcome your depression. Few do on their own. It is a battle that I have fought as I have SAD in the winter (Seasonal Affective Disorder) for years. I take no meds. I do have special lights...Thank you for this posting. You are an inspiration, hon. oxxoxxo

I think it's better to believe depression to be a state of mind than a disease, a form of reverse psychology. :/

Hmm... Calling depression a 'disease' grew out of the application of the medical model to the practice of psychiatry & psychology. Many academics now see the application of this paradigm to things such as anxiety and depression as inherently problematic. It's a loaded term. Yes, people who suffer depression are ill, can require medication, suffer physical symptoms... There is no doubt that the interplay of the body and the thoughts are both critical. So at times the medication is required. In other cases even severe long-term depression is overcome without medication. In other cases, it's about lifestyle management for those who make little progress. In all cases, managing the state of mind, the patterns of thought, the underlying constructs, is a vital part of the path.

Thank your for your wisdom! Are you a health care professional? Curious...

No, I work in overseas aid. I used to work in counselling, and try to stay current in psychology (I read & my daughter is studying it currently). I'm also a depression survivor - fifteen years of chronic depression like steady suffocation or drowning at the bottom of the ocean. That was six years ago now.

You know I think that depression has touched the lives of far more people that we really even know. There is still a stigma associated with mental illnesses. And I fear that will never change. And how are you now? Overseas aid? Can you tell me more?

We've been doing some initial research in Africa on mental health. They don't have the language to describe depression, so it's quite interesting to identify. We're finding rates about 30% of depression in many places. The treatments are more effective because when you do any form of group therapy, their cultural bias towards commitment to the social group is much stronger than our western individualism.

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Well written as always Lushiro and Womble knows you will always triumph in your battles against your demons, some will be easier than others but your inner strength will win out in the end... and if any of those demons are getting toooo much you know you can call on me.

:))))

Thanks for the story. I am going to carry this with me the rest of the day....possibly the rest of my life. Keep shining on.

aww welcome pal :) and thanks I'll keep Duracell on me at all times! :D

You are alive,you are a fighter...i know how you feel.i suffer from Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia and endless depressions phases.dont let this destroy you,to the contrary let this things make you stronger,it always works...blessings

Same to you friend :)