Still Here!

In 2001 I was diagnosed by my GP with depression!


Me mentally ill, never! But there was something wrong; I knew that… coming to terms with “being flawed” was not so easy. I fought it hard using every excuse I could find. I was scared out of my wits. How could I possibly have a mental disorder, I mean I had a career that required a mind that was quick thinking, intelligent and analytical.  I had been head hunted several times so I knew my mind was, well perfect! So having a doctor tell me I couldn’t trust my thoughts was out of the question. Sure I was sad all the time, I didn’t socialise a lot (well not at all) I had panic attacks and anxiety daily. But there must be some other explanation. An illness, virus, some exotic disease! I took the meds prescribed, but I didn’t believe in them! I tried to push myself taking on more work. “I am great under pressure” I started diagnosing my own symptoms, blew of the shrink changed my GP…. Added cocaine to my medication regime to give me the kick I needed to keep going oh yes I was fine no problem with MY brain!


By mid 2002, I was not me anymore! Suicide was a constant thought. All friends and family were excluded from my life. I was locked in my little world of fear and sadness. My partner of 11 years ran for the hills. My money was gone, my medical aid was gone my career was over. I had one option left! Move… so that’s what I did! I had Danish passport and I used it! Home to the motherland was my solution. There I would find the help I needed, I was sure of it even if all I found was a change in scenery.


I moved in with my Biological Mother, hadn’t lived with her since I was three. So you can imagine it would have been interesting even if I had been well. Needless to say I slipped deeper into the abyss. My new GP, he kept at me sending me to treatment first at one hospital (that didn’t go well!) by this stage I had lost so much weight my BMI was just around 17. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. The move had cut me off from my cocaine supplier and I was way to far gone to go out my door and find a new one… marijuana became my best friend.


I tried faith healers, spiritual healers you name it doctors… I was still taking the meds prescribed at that point I think it was Effexor. Hell was my home and I couldn’t see a way out. I began burning my self with my cigarettes trying to show the world the pain I felt on the inside! One night after a rather brutal attack on my self. I had burnt 7 holes in my hand. This was the first time I had done it somewhere were I couldn’t hide it. Some thing in my brain registered, I was mentally ill and I knew it! I called a cab and went to the emergency ward. I don’t remember much…


Two months later I was a patient at D4, this was the start of my recovery! It wasn’t easy or a quick fix. But I am here, medication free, drug free, mentally FREE

MLNfish MLNfish
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Wow, jaw dropping. I applaud you as not many can escape hell. Thank you for your story as it shines light into those who are in the dark.

thanks :)

you are amazing.. could you please just brief the steps that you attempt to escape from depression !!!

Well done, gaining control over your life<br />
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Not everyone can do this