The Misconception Of Love

It was my lasy year of undergrad. I was on my way to bigger and better things. I was closing one door and opening another ! I had just broken up with my fiance of a year. I was hurt but, not because we broke up but how we broke up. He was in the military and we went from speaking to each other all day every day to not hearing from him at all. I was hurt. I didn't know what happen. Thats when I met Devon. Devon was three years younger than me. I loved the attention Devon gave me , especially because at this moment in my life I needed to feel wanted . Devon would go anywhere I wanted and did anything I asked of him. While I would be listening to my professor go on an on and on about who knows what , Devon wwould be waiting in my car for me to get out of class. I remember the first time Devon told me he loved me, I thought to myself is this guy crazy!?!?! I thought that because we had only been seeing each other for three weeks. I Love you was like music to my ears. I thought to myself maybe this could go far ! I was wrong! I began to notice Devon's controlling and jealous behaviors within the first 6 mos of our relationship. Devon would constantly accuse me of cheating whenever I was out with my friends. It got so bad that I simply stopped going out. I remebr one time we were at the Dollar Store and I spoke to a male friend of mine sthat I hadn't seen in years. little did i know I would never hear the end of that and from that point forwarded I was all kinds of ******! My relationship with Devon got so bad that I would go out my way to avoid evening looking like I was making eye contact with another guy whether I knew him or not. I advoid certain stores or places where I knew I could potentially even run into a male friend. Things got worst and worst. What upsets me most is I continued to go back and Devon would justify his behavior with a I LOVE YOU I WAS JUST MAD! My name was no longer the name my mother gave me. I was everything you could think of from ****** to fat *******. I left on two different occassions and thought I was completely through but I wasn't because I went back. What made the situation worst is that I brought a beautiful babygirl into this craziness. My daughter is 15 mos and from the time I gave birth to her up until this very day my daughter has been more ******* than most women have been called their entire lives. Yet Devon always apologizes and says I WAS JUST MAD> I LOVE YA'LL!!!! My family and friends have begged me time and time agian to leave him alone. My mother is afraid he will kill me. I am too. I feel stuck!! Having my daughter made me feel stuck even more. I remebber crying countless nights just trying to figure out what I did so bad to make him treat me this way. I attempted to seek counseling but losing my job did not help the situation at all. Devon went from sweet , senstive and caring to a monster whenever he couldn't have his way. Devon would make me give him money whenever he wanted and if I didn't he would make sure I pay. I would give him any amount he wanted to keep him happy but it was never enough. I would help him look for jobs, fillout the applications for him and even type and print out his resumes. Nothing was ever enough. no matter how much I did he would always say "YOU DONT DO **** FOR ME" He would threaten to leave me for other women and my self esteem was so low because he had beat me down so long I believe him and gave him whatever he wanted. I ran my credit cards up, rented him a car that the cops took because he didnt have a license. One time I went to rent him a car and when the rep said I couldn't because of my credit score he began to beat me right then and there because he felt like it was my fault. Sad part is no one in the car rental place calle dthe cops or stopped it. he once threaten to throw our daughter down the steps if I didn't give him $50. This abuse has be reoccurring for 3 years and I am just starting to feel strong enough to stay away. Its hard because we have a child together and he uses her as a pawn to get to me. This relationship has damaged me to the point im afraid to get into another relationship. Sometimes I just want to scream but I know nobody will hear me. I often wonder what will happen to me and if he would ever really kill me. I hope not but I am scared.