I Survived Heartbreak
I never thought it possible, but through it all... I survived.
It will be 2 years in August since the day I decided to walk out on the man (of my dreams) and the perfect life he (thought) he had for us. I've found solace in confessing every shred of my brokenness here in EP when my heart was nothing but a hole in my chest, and my soul a ghost of who I used to be, before my relationship sucked the very life out of me.
It feels worse than the end of the world, having to let go of everything that ever mattered, and the only person who ever completed you. Ten years altogether, up to the time we said our very final goodbye -- although it doesn't really count as that, as it was merely our communication coming to a complete halt, by mutual understanding, I suppose, as we silently conceded to the fact that "we" do not exist anymore.
If only things were different. If only this... if only that. I could "if" a thousand ways to wish that it didn't end the way it did. But it had. We both did what we were capable of at the time, made decisions that we felt were the only ones to be made, and we've made choices that didn't feel like choices at all, but a one-way ticket to the same dead-end: the death of "us."
He hurt me in ways he'll never understand, and I too, have hurt him just as deeply. Loving each other the way that we had, gave us that much more power to hurt each other. I was falling apart, he tried to fix me, when all I needed was for him not to only hear what I was saying, but to listen to the soul that was dying inside me. It was beyond his comprehension how I could possibly be unhappy, when he bought me everything I could ever need, made the hard decisions for me, provided me with everything he thought I needed.... but I still fell through the cracks. And when he finally noticed... I was too far gone. He couldn't save me. He couldn't save us. That truly broke him. And dear god, the most painful thing I have ever had to endure was to see him cry. My heart still hurts remembering that moment. I think it always will.
A third of my life devoted to a relationship that had a fairy tale beginning, but sadly never saw the happily-ever-after ending. It's earth shattering. And it surprises me now, how I can say his name without hearing my heart break, or think back to our memories without feeling as though my soul was being ripped to pieces again.
I always said "I will never get over him..."
But I have.
My life is not perfect. But I have managed to pick up the broken pieces of me and start all over again. I miss him once in awhile, he will always be my first love and a part of me will always belong with him, just as I know that a part of him will belong with me. It was so difficult convincing myself that my world does not have to end just because my life with him did. In pouring myself to loving everything he was, I gave up everything that I am. It took awhile to realize that I was not lost without him, I was lost without ME.
It will be 2 years in August since the day I decided to walk out on the man (of my dreams) and the perfect life he (thought) he had for us. I've found solace in confessing every shred of my brokenness here in EP when my heart was nothing but a hole in my chest, and my soul a ghost of who I used to be, before my relationship sucked the very life out of me.
It feels worse than the end of the world, having to let go of everything that ever mattered, and the only person who ever completed you. Ten years altogether, up to the time we said our very final goodbye -- although it doesn't really count as that, as it was merely our communication coming to a complete halt, by mutual understanding, I suppose, as we silently conceded to the fact that "we" do not exist anymore.
If only things were different. If only this... if only that. I could "if" a thousand ways to wish that it didn't end the way it did. But it had. We both did what we were capable of at the time, made decisions that we felt were the only ones to be made, and we've made choices that didn't feel like choices at all, but a one-way ticket to the same dead-end: the death of "us."
He hurt me in ways he'll never understand, and I too, have hurt him just as deeply. Loving each other the way that we had, gave us that much more power to hurt each other. I was falling apart, he tried to fix me, when all I needed was for him not to only hear what I was saying, but to listen to the soul that was dying inside me. It was beyond his comprehension how I could possibly be unhappy, when he bought me everything I could ever need, made the hard decisions for me, provided me with everything he thought I needed.... but I still fell through the cracks. And when he finally noticed... I was too far gone. He couldn't save me. He couldn't save us. That truly broke him. And dear god, the most painful thing I have ever had to endure was to see him cry. My heart still hurts remembering that moment. I think it always will.
A third of my life devoted to a relationship that had a fairy tale beginning, but sadly never saw the happily-ever-after ending. It's earth shattering. And it surprises me now, how I can say his name without hearing my heart break, or think back to our memories without feeling as though my soul was being ripped to pieces again.
I always said "I will never get over him..."
But I have.
My life is not perfect. But I have managed to pick up the broken pieces of me and start all over again. I miss him once in awhile, he will always be my first love and a part of me will always belong with him, just as I know that a part of him will belong with me. It was so difficult convincing myself that my world does not have to end just because my life with him did. In pouring myself to loving everything he was, I gave up everything that I am. It took awhile to realize that I was not lost without him, I was lost without ME.
By:
aquarianmoon
Age:
31-35
,
Female
5
responses
