A Cautionary Tale...

I have seen many folks on here pouring out their hearts and souls into the posts they make, and I feel it is only fair if I do the same, as ye have all shared so much with me. Bear in mind, this is not a recent development; this tale begins long ago and pretty much ends about 4 years and change ago, so the bulk of the wounds have since healed and this is by no means a cry for sympathy, but perhaps it will give some of you insight into why i react so passionately about certain subjects that I comment on... but I digress... ON WITH THE SHOW! ;)


My X wife and I met in front of a frozen yogurt shop in the wilds of Anaheim, California in summer of 1995. I was perched atop a rock, playing my guitar as I was known by most to do, and her and her friend who was also a friend of mine stopped by to get some refreshment. We immediately kind of clicked, and things seemed pretty groovy. Phone calls ensued after numbers were exchanged, late night calls and long talks, ye have all been there, I am sure... Anyway, we dated for a while, but were not in the same place as far as where we wanted to go with life, so we eventually broke things off. Flash forward several relationships, triumphs and defeats on both our end to roughly early spring of 2000.

We met back up by chance while hanging out with friends at a local eatery, and we kinda spent a long time just catching up and getting to re-know each other, as time changes people as surely as anything else. We seemed to be more on the same page than we were on the first go round, we were both single at the time, and decided to give it another shot after a few months of talking. Things seemed to be good; after a couple years of dating, we took the plunge into moving in together, which as alot of you know, can be trying at times as personalities and space clash. But we were determined to make it work.

* Cues the flash forward music again *

After living together for about a year, and being pretty compatible, I proposed at the Queen Mary in Long Beach on New Years eve 2002-2003 and she accepted. Heavens parted, Angelic choirs sang, ye know how it goes ;) And things were good for a few...

In June of 2003, her grandfather who was basically her dad, as her grandparents raised her for the most part, was diagnosed with colon cancer. She was devastated. I did what I could to comfort her, and we ended up moving in with them almost immediately to help out. He went into hospice care shortly thereafter, as it had spread to most of his major organs, and sadly, he passed August 28th of 2003. She broke. I did all I could to be there for her, and I held everything together for her and her grandmother.

In April of 2004, her best friend who had long been known for cutting and other forms of self abuse, had enough of life and decided to end it. More devastation. More holding it all together. More pain and grief. I didn't mind being there for her by any stretch; I do like to help out. But thats when the abuse of prescription medication began. I assume it was to dull the pain of the loss.

* More flash forwarding *

Things seemed to improve a bit, and we were planning the wedding a couple years later, and In March of 2006, we were married at the Venetian in Las Vegas. Yes I know... not the most auspicious location, but it was pretty, and the main idea behind it was to have fun with it all, which we did. On June 6th, 2006 my Eldest child was born to both of our joy. For the first time in an age... I began to have some hope for us, and we threw ourselves into caring for and nurturing our baby girl.

Shortly thereafter, her grandmother became terminally ill due to a lifetime of pill abuse on her part. My wife.... just kinda of stepped out. She wasn't the same ever again. She became surly and mean, spiteful and hateful twords pretty much everyone around us. Including our daughter. Around that time, it also came to light that basically during the whole pregnancy, she had been popping pills. I was shocked, as that was SO not the woman I had married. After a few months of begging her to get some help or attend counseling, she finally seemed to improve somewhat.

So we continued to care for her grandmother as the end approached, and she mainly focused on her grandmother; I on my daughter. Despite everything that was going on, about 6 months after our daughter was born, she ended up pregnant again( what can I say.... I guess I am an animal... ) and she resented this greatly, as It took time away from her being able to care for her grandmother. In an effort to provide better care for my daughter, I secured a place to live for all of us, but my wife wouldn't have any of it. Her grandmother was prone to extreme rages, and I didn't feel that was the best environment to raise children in. On September 9th, 2007, my son was born. I was elated, as what father wouldn't be about the birth of his first and only son! I threw myself into caring for both kids, and after she healed, she threw herself into caring for her grandmother.

A few months after that, I began to notice some of the milestones of development on my daughter starting to come later and later... and then almost stopping altogether. I voiced my concerns to my wife, and she blew them off, as apparently, she was back on the pill train, and had been since about 4 months into the pregnancy with my son. After much dancing about the medical system, I finally received a diagnosis of Autism for my eldest. I have to be honest; I was crushed, emotionally and spiritually. I tried to share these feelings with my wife, and she could have cared less. She said it was obviously something I did in the raising of her. I disagreed; More arguments. More hurt. More fighting. None of which was helpful to my daughter or my son, who are both my bottom line.

Things began to really fall apart at that point; She moved in with her grandmother to care for her full time as the end neared, and I stayed home with our kids and worked from home. I later found out that the drinking began then. At about 15 months in my sons development, I noticed the same as with my daughter : gradual dropping off in developmental milestones. Less new words, less eye contact, more introversion. ALOT more raged out tantrums. Took him in, and received the same diagnosis as my daughter. Autism. Now, I know there are many supposed causes and various reasons for autism occurring. Long story short, I blamed my wife for what she was doing while pregnant; she blamed me for my raising of them. Again, more fighting ensued.

My wife's grandmother died in late 2007, and this utterly destroyed the tenuous hold on sanity that my wife had maintained up until that point. Her every waking moment became centered around getting so drunk that she couldn't even stand up without falling over. I pleaded with her to get help, offered to do whatever I could to help her through, did everything short of call the cops on her when she proceeded to smash everything in our house in blind drunken rages. In retrospect, I wish I had, as it might have saved her life. I had failed as a husband, failed to protect my children from the chaos in our lives, failed at everything. In June of 2008, we Divorced, as we had been separated pretty much since my son was born.

She continued to drink more and more, would come over and try and start fights with me while completely hammered, all in front of the kids. I have had countless bottles of vodka smashed against my body at varying velocities. She had destroyed untold thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment ( I am a computer technician and graphic artist by trade) and several other items too numerous to name off. Finally, I had to get a restraining order for the raging monster, and I sadly believe that this was what finally made her completely lose her mind. I ended up obtaining sole custody of our children, as I couldn't allow her around them anymore.

In September of 2009, shortly after my sons 2nd birthday, I got a call from the police, telling me that she had apparently been driving at high speed while drunk, and had wrapped herself around a telephone pole. Sadly, despite all the doctors finest efforts, between the sorry state of her organs from years of abuse, and the trauma from the accident, she did not survive.

I am not sharing this for sympathy. Truly. I am not. As I stated in the early portion of this post, most of the wounds, emotional and physical, have all healed, as much as they can, anyway. I am just touched by all the posts I find on this site of both joy and sadness, love and loss, and just life in general. I felt I would be remiss if I did not share a portion of myself with all of you fine people. I am also pleased to announce that I am currently involved in a stable relationship with an amazing woman, that also, sadly, happens to be across the planet from me. I feel in this, I am the most fortunate person in the world, as she is everything that my X wife was not. Kind, generous, loving, thoughtful, poignant, and a wonderful mother to her own children, also the product of a divorce. I have honestly NEVER been happier in a relationship. I would certainly change the distance between us, but life is far from Perfect, even at the best of times.

I suppose the main reason I am posting this is as a Cautionary Tale; Never compromise who you are or what you know is right in an effort to keep someone who refuses to get help happy. If you are in an abusive, alcohol soaked relationship, PLEASE, get the hell out for yourself and your children, if you have any. Do not make the same mistakes that I made. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. Someone who is locked inside a bottle, be it pills or alcohol, cannot give you any of this. They will only take more and more of you, and destroy everything they touch. Please, You are worth more. Your children, if you have any, deserve better. Special needs or no.

Much respect and much love to you all!
Inferis
Inferis Inferis
31-35, M
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

I understand you do not want sympathy, so i give you much credit and congratulations for making it out of this situation as a stronger person and a better father. I commend you in seeing the positive in such a negative situation.Your story is very inspiring and i am glad to see that you are experiencing the happiness that you and your children deserve.

Thank you very much for your kind words. :) It means Alot. :D