I Survived.

I wasn't raised by my parents. My mother was a drug-addict, and my father was an alcoholic. My grandparents stepped up and took my sister and I in to raise. I noticed early on that my grandparents treated my sister better than me. They would always baby her, while I would get yelled at, and called horrible names. If anything in the house went wrong (even if the water stopped working) it was automatically my fault. Things got exceedingly worse when I got into high-school in 2005. The fights at home were increasing, and my social life at school was reflecting it. I had always been depressed with suicidal thoughts. In 2006, I decided that it was enough. I was tired of being screamed at, punched, shoved, and things thrown at me. I decided to end it after a fight that included my grandfather cornering me in the bathroom while I was trying to get away from him. He slammed my head down on the toilet paper holder and broke it out of the wall. Finally I screamed at him to leave me alone, and he left. I took a whole bottle of pills and laid down on my bed to die. My grandfather always had a habit of trying to "make things up to me", and came into my room where he saw the empty pill bottle on my dresser. He looked at me and said "what have you done?" I told him, and he called the hospital to ask them what to do, and they told him he needed to bring me in to have my stomach pumped. My grandparents dragged me to the car and took me to the hospital. I had my stomach pumped and the police were called to take me to rehab an hour and a half away. I was embarrassed that I had got sent there, and I was afraid of what everybody at school was going to say. I was gone for a week. I never thought for once what my friends, or family would have thought if I had died. I never thought about how my grandparents might grieve, or how my sister would have felt. Things got better after that, but I still sometimes have those thoughts. It's like a plague that just won't go away. I still get depressed, and it sucks. It feels like your soul is being sucked out of you. Nobody should feel like this. It honestly feels as though you have lost everything you have ever known. I'm a survivor. If you need help, there are people out there who live to save people's lives. I'm one of them. I'll listen. I've been there.
moonwing moonwing
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 13, 2012

emptiness and pain comes from your soul. the only way to feed your soul is to give. volunteer.

I have just failed my third attempt. The first should have been guaranteed, but I was recusitated, beyond reason.. My second attempt used the same method but with no effect. Either my stomache was lined with something in ER, or I have developed an immunity.

This third attempt was arranged as a backup, while I attempted to restart my life. Just having the means present brought a measure of calm.. Unfortunately it has been 4 years hence and nothing has improved.

But my attempt failed with seemingly zero effect. My measure of calm has been removed and I feel like I'm heading of the deep end. I guess the question I have is what have you done so far to keep yourself from losing your sanity?