I Hoped I'd Never Feel Like This Again...

I've survived two suicide attempts, one at 17 and one on my 20th birthday (why do birthdays make people want to die?) and after the second i vowed i'd NEVER let myself care about something or someone more than my own life - i even got a tattoo to remind myself.

However 5 years on and i'm amazed that those thoughts are creeping back... a few days before my birthday. I can honestly say that i've never known rock bottom like this, really feel every day is a struggle and wish i could get back that positive attitude i had after my last attempt. I try to think back to the 5 years i've just lived - the great people i've met and good times i've had - but i've also had some very low and difficult times and wonder if i'm simply not emotionally equipt to deal with life and all that comes with it!

Anyway i'm sorry this survival story isn't as positive as i'd like it to be. I'm going to see a doctor next week in hope of some help... Wish me luck.



selfdiagnosed selfdiagnosed
22-25, F
3 Responses Sep 8, 2009

emptiness and pain come from the soul. the only way to feed the soul is to give. volunteer.

Have you ever thought you might be bipolar? Ups and downs instead of just depression can be just as bad as depression alone it still destabilizes you and can lead to scary **** like this.

Birthdays...yeah...been there...my 21st last year, if i wasn't as ****** out of my mind with the alcohol and drugs i'd have probably come the closest i've ever been to doing a better job of going through with it. for what its worth though, i'm glad that you are still around. i hope you see another birthday and that this time it WILL be a celebration...if anything of you and the odds you have beaten to be here...take care!!!