Pointless Arguments

Yes, the names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Christopher was a high school romance. He was a dark, moody man who I saw as an insecure mess in need of unconditional love and support, and I knew I could change him, make him happy and secure. At the tender age of 18, there were no red flags warning me that this was a textbook mistake, according to every book on relationships that you will ever read. Well, actually, there were signs. At 21, and several months before the wedding I did talk to my mom, who explained that wedding jitters were normal, and too much time, effort and money had been spent to back out now. So, Beth and Christopher were married.  

   What Christopher actually turned out to be was an insecure, control freak of a man who didn’t know the meaning of unconditional love, and he was very opposed to change. Christopher wandered from job to job, usually with a sizable gap between career paths, trying to find a job that matched his self-described superior intellect. The more success I achieved – professionally or personally – the more hateful Christopher became. He was manipulative, condescending and unsupportive. Our relationship was toxic, and no amount of effort would change that. His need to sabotage my happiness was overwhelming.    

   “Chris, I need you to talk to me. I can’t help you if I can’t understand how you feel.”  

   "I'm working on some issues. They are mine to work out, and they have nothing to do with you."  

   "Again, Chris, I'm your wife. Talk to me about what's bothering you, and let's work through the issues together. I don't even know what your issues are, according to you. I only know what I believe your issues are, but that doesn't help us get past them."  

   “WE don't need to get past anything. And, why do you call me Chris? My name is Christopher, always has been, always will be, and I never told you it was okay to call me that. I never wanted you to call me Chris.”  

   “What? I’ve called you Chris since high school.”  

   “I’ve hated it since high school.”  

Wow. This is three years into the marriage, after having known the man for over six years. The confusion and disbelief over this exchange made me crazy.

bforpreader bforpreader
41-45, F
4 Responses Oct 30, 2009

Oh dear, I don't thank him for real -- he's passed on. As such, I am able to appreciate the experience and cosmically give him credit. I made the choice to marry him, after all. It was a necessary lesson for me at the time. That's all I'm saying! :) <br />
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I'm glad you, too, have moved on and I wish you all the best. <br />
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Great story, by the way. I was able to relate to your experience and see it as my own.

It's nice to know there are those "out there" who can sympathize/have empathy for what was my life. I am almost certain now - years later - that I had a breakdown near the end of the marriage. A last-minute second marriage counselor who had been hired to talk to my oldest son about transitional issues informed me that this man I had married did not "own the skill set" to love unconditionally or to communicate his feelings. <br />
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Edgargeorge - It was a revelation. I probably wouldn't be a strong, confident, independent single woman today without this experience, so I suppose I am also thankful to a certain degree, though I still will not willingly give him any credit, to this day, for any of my successes. <br />
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Ashlynn - sounds like R is someone I would be friends with today. I hope she is now happy and healthy. My ex's family reacted similarly, which was frustrating, but eventually I think they all began to see the truth.

My friend R's first husband was the same. He was also a saboteur and would do whatever he could to ruin things she was looking forward to, like parties, and friendships. After they had 2 children he told her he never loved her, he was in love with her best friend. R asked her best friend about it and she said she'd barely even said 2 words to R's husband ever since they'd known each other. R took the kids and ran - and he begged her to go back. She didn't. He subsequently started telling everyone what a dumbass she was/is.<br />
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What's funny is these guys' parents always say, "He has no luck with women! He just can't find the right girl."<br />
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If R had stayed with him, she would've been the stable breadwinner in the family. Her ex was very educated but always had jobs like "janitor," that he would get fired from. My advice is definitely to run, plug your ears and don't look back!

Yes, funny how we don't see the obvious -- I, too, was in a similar marriage. I thought if I loved him enough I could fix everything. Well, I couldn't, but it made me stronger and today, I thank him for the journey, painful though it was.