BeardSome time ago I told CasperRae that if she ever needed a beard I'll do it. I'm not entirely sure why she would but nonetheless here's how it's probably going to go down.
So one day Cassie is minding her own business and a knock comes on the door. It's a douchie looking guy in a cheap suit and knockoff shoes with shades and some kind of ghetto earpiece. So naturally, Cas is wondering what's going on. The guy hands her a summons and she's got to be in court in one week. It turns out that by some crazy set of circumstances she actually wasn't born in the United States. She may be illegal and they need her to go to court to find out. So the douche in the cheap suit leaves and Cas is left wondering what the hell is going on. Just then another knock comes at the door. So Cass goes back and answers it again. This time there's another douchie guy in a suit but this one is nice. He's carrying a platinum briefcase with an odd folder and a DVD in it. So Cass pops it in and reads the paperwork and soon discovers that her estranged great aunt Myrtle died and for some reason left her estate to her. But there's one caveat. She needs to get married and spend one night in crazy Aunt Myrtle's "haunted" mansion. If she does that, she inherits the house and a cool million. So Casper hatches a plan. "You know..." She thinks to herself, "I could solve both my problems if I get married. If I do that it won't matter whether I was technically born in the US or not. I'll have a green card." But gay marriage is still technically illegal and not federally recognized... So what to do? Then she remembers that I said I'd beard for her if the need ever arose. So she gives me a ring and we're off to the races.
So after everything is signed and legal, we proceed with the wedding. I'm wearing (of course) all black and Cassie has the most badass wedding dress you'll ever see. I'll leave it to you to decide what that would be, but her hair is dyed like a rainbow as a not-so-subtle "**** you" to gay marriage laws. So the ceremony is pretty by the numbers but with a rockin' soundtrack and some bitchin' food. We'll do in in Vegas with Elvis officiating. We'll have the chapel decked out in Flying Spaghetti Monster paraphernalia and other badass ****. Just because we're in a sham wedding doesn't mean we can't have a ******* badass sham wedding! When Elvis says "You may now kiss the bride" we're going to have to do it. I know, it's rough but I'm going to have to take one for the team here. It's a show wedding so we're going to have to show them a lip lock and it's going to have to look legit. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for Cassie though. I know, I know. It's a sacrifice but you know... I think it's worth it. The things I'm willing to do for my friends.
So now that the ceremony is over, it's time for the party! We'll throw a shindig at a casino where we can all get as hammered as we can and party until the wee hours. Then it's time to spend the night in crazy Aunt Myrtle's creepy *** house. And as luck would have it I've got a little surprise set up. We walk in and Poetvann is waiting with a dozen ******* and we get the REAL party started!
Of course, after Cassie gets her green card and the million bucks we're going to have to get a divorce. But hey, at least we had the most badass wedding day ever. She definitely deserves it. Even if it's a sham, we'll at least have had one badass day of partying and getting ****** up in Vegas.